saying "i love you" too much

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
saying "i love you" too much
3
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 7:55pm
I am new on this particular board, - i hope that i can get some answers here. i feel like i am going CRAZY ! I was remarried 3 years ago to a very insecure person. ( Mostly because of his 1st marraige ). My question is ... he tells me sometimes 10 times in an hour that he loves me, that i am beautiful, that he loves me, that he loves me.....

This goes on every day and i guess i am wondering if it is normal, or am I the one with the problem !! It just seems that to express your feelings THAT much - well it just seems to take some of the validity away from saying "i love you". I don't want to respond back to him EVERY time, but if i don't he will say - "did you hear me?"

Would appreciate some feed back on this. Thanks !

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 1:41am
Gee, that DOES seem kind of insecure...did you ever try to just sit him down, hold his hands and looking him right in the eyes tell him clearly (and firmly) that you are here together with him, that you are not going to leave him, that you are a team now and everything will be all right? Like you would with someone who's been in a fire or something. Who knows how badly this guy got burned before, y'know?

On the other hand, it also seems super annoying to have someone saying "I love you" every ten seconds. Kind of obsessive and stalker-like, y'know? But, don't get paranoid or anything yet.

Maybe just the sincere reassurance on your part that you are with him by choice and for good and all that, and asking him what would reassure him of your continued love?

Then, maybe letting him know that while you appreciate his (incessant) outpouring of love, you don't NEED it because you are so confident and comfortable with his love. Maybe you could tell him something like, "oh, let's have some code activity or word for letting each other know we love each other and then, when we do the activity or say the word, we're saying 'I love you'."

If talking to him directly and kindly about it does not work, and you are still annoyed (which I know I would be...), then maybe you guys could go to a marriage counselor or such to see what other underlying issues remain for this poor guy after his first marriage. Or, maybe he thinks you WANT to hear "I love you" a million times a day...in any case, good luck. You do need to tread carefully, because there are the guy's feelings, but they're YOUR feelings and your peace of mind, too.

This is definitely something you want to take care of because of the possibility of the deeper underlying problems which could produce problems later on...

Best wishes,

Biermadchen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:26am
Thank you for responding to my situation. You gave me some good things to pursue and also helped me to feel like i am not crazy for "complaining" !!
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:20am

Saying "I love you" that much - 10 times an hour!! Yikes...sounds like a compulsion and that it comes out of fear. It's perfectly understandable that it would drive you crazy - especially if you have to keep responding. I would sit down with him, let him know that you love him and you know that he loves you - then I would say that his saying it so often feels to you as though something else is going on - that needs attention. Suggest to him that perhaps he needs so much reassurance from you - due to feelings left over from his other marriage. Also suggest that it would be hepful to have a few sessions with a professional counsellor about this. Tell him that you do not feel it is natural or healthy to have to go through this so often. (And that is true). He may feel insulted or offended, so let him know that this is not your wish - that you care for him, but feel uncomfortable with what is going on. If you do this in a very loving manner, you have a better chance of his understanding and hearing what you are saying. It sounds to me as though he was traumatized and needs constant feedback and reassurance that this marriage is going well. Some professional intervention would be very helpful.


Best wishes.