Scared and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Scared and confused
3
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 4:11pm
I'm 33 years old and have been married for 7years (we do not have any children). Approximately a year after we were married my husband lost interest in active sex, when I finally confronted him about this he told me that he showed me he loved me in other ways (changing the oil in my car, making my coffee, working in the yard or the hourse). I have hung in there for the past 6 years. 2.5 years ago, we bought a new house and I can count the times we've been intimate on my left hand. When he tries, it's as if I've now lost the interest. I can't even passionately kiss him. We are terrific friends and I'm content in my relationship, but I don't feel happiness, desire and love that I desparetly need. I'm scared to move on in my life because I feel as if no one will understand or accept my decision. My husband is a great provider, cooks, cleans, maintains the house, etc...it's the one thing that I desire so greatly (passion and intimacy) that I can't seem to find with him. I've tried so hard, and we've been to couseling, have I just fallen out of love with him? My friends tell me to leave, that life is too short, my mom tells me to stay because I have financial security, a wonderful home and someone who adores me. I'm afraid of being alone physically - but right now I feel so alone emotionally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 4:29pm
I understand how you feel. I too was in a marriage with a man that was not interested in an intimate relationship. In fact he told me that he didn't like to kiss. I died inside. I lived in my own little world. I was starved for affection. I seeked advise from a counselor who told me to do "sexy" things to get him interested. The little suttle things didn't work. I slowly lost interest and no longer had feelings for him. When he did "want to" I just went along as my "wifely" duty.

I ended up leaving and since have realized that I did the wrong thing. My values on marriage were evidently stronger than I thought and I seem to be more unhappy now.

My advise to you is think very seriously as to what is important to you.

1. If staying married "forever after" means alot, then stay put because it will end up haunting you and make it very hard to let go and really love again.

2. Passion may seem very important, more important than material things, but is it really???? Having the security and familiarity of ones life can be very critical. If you and your husbands are friends and enjoy each others company, that might be enough. At least you will always feel comfortable with him, never feeling unsure. In a new relationship you may have the passion at first, but usually it does die down and you will end up wondering if leaving your husband was really the right thing to do.

Good luck and my prayers will be with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:48pm
Well, it's funny. I have been keeping an eye out for a message like yours. I haven't quite been ready to post my own, but now is as good as a time as any. I was married before to a man whom I knew for ten years. We were high school sweethearts, and after being together for eight years, we finally got married. We always had the best sex and we had it every day, sometimes two or three times a day. It was intimate and passionate, and our sex life was like that in the movies. But we weren't very good friends. We didn't have much in common, and we hardly ever did anything together with the exception of seeing friends and family. We didn't like the same movies, nor the same restaurants. We both had different ideas of fun, and when we were alone together, there simply wasn't much to say to eachother. For as mucn as we loved eachother and for as hot as our sex life was, there simply wasn't much else. After two years of being married, I had to get away. I was bored and desperately lonely. We split up and divorced.

Now, it's a year and a half later, and I haven't seen him since. I have a new boyfriend, and it is a very, very different life. Sex is almost non-existent, and he too, says that he doesn't like kissing. Infact, in the thirteen months that we have been together, we have never kissed other than short pecks on the mouth. When we have sex, it is only rarely and in the same position every time. Although I do give him oral sex, he doesn't do "anything else" to me and he isn't much into foreplay. He wasn't always that way with his past girlfriends. I did find some very old e-mails from a former fling where they flirted and talked dirty, recounting the times that he gave her oral sex and got kinky. So it's not like he's gay or anything. Sure I am jealous and feel hurt about that. But I am not the most attractive thing... I am overweight and not very pretty. I don't really offer him much to be excited about. So far, as long as he doesn't feel the need to cheat (anyone have any feedback on that one?) we are going to have a pretty fun life.

Sometimes I miss my ex-husband something fierce. I miss the passion, the intimacy and the unconditional love. But that was all we had. Nowadays my boyfriend is my best friend who enjoys the same things that I do. We are constantly together. We actually have so much in common that it's scary. We go antique shopping, we travel together, we are always dining out and seeing movies. And when we talk, it is the best conversations. He, too, is great around the house, and treats me like gold. We barely ever argue, and outside of the sex issue, we have the best relationship.

So which life is best? Once in a while, it's hard to tell. My life with my ex was passionate in many ways, meaning the lack of communication often resulted in heated arguments and dramatic fights. But, too, sometimes I am so lonely for true love and passion that I would die to hear someone once again tell me that I am beautiful. But I suppose in the end, I think that I am very happy. Sex (if you are lucky) is only a few hours a week. But I have something that I enjoy all hours of the day, all days of the week. Friendship. I was one of the fortunate ones who has had the best of both worlds, and if I had the opportunity to go back, I would not. Despite what's missing, I have a lot to be thankful for. Imagine not having what you now have, and taking the risk of losing it all for passion. You may want to think twice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:44pm
Have you read Dr Phil's book, Relationship Resuce? He talks about intimacy in a relationship, gives tests for couples to define what they need in a relationship, etc. Sorry I don't have better advice.


Carrie