Scared and Confused, Please help.
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| Thu, 04-01-2004 - 5:15pm |
I am 22 years old and I am living with my parents until I find a full time job (I just graduated college). My boyfriend and I have been on again off again for about 4 years. Our longest period together was nine months, it ended, we got back together, and then it ended again. My parents were so thrilled that we broke up they made me promise not to get back together with him. They don't like him, they don't trust him, and in fact are worried because he reminds them of a "stalker-ish" ex boyfriend my mother had when she was young.
A few months after our breakup, we got back together sort of unseriously. I told him that I didn't want to tell my parents because they would be devastated and I wasn't sure how they would react. OUr most recent breakup was about 2 months ago because I didn't want to be in a serious relationship and he felt I was treating him badly (whcih i was.)DUring our time apart I realized how much I missed him and what a horrible girlfriend I had been and called to apologize and ask to get back together, this time for real, and if he wanted to call it a relationship we would, and if he wanted me to tell my parents I would. At first he said no, but to call him in 4 months if i was still thinking about him. About a week ago he changed his mind, and we decided to get back together.
I told him that I would tell my parents, but I am seriously terrified of telling them. I am not sure how they will react. Will they kick me out of the house? Will they ignore me? I know that they love me and that their feelings are out of worry but i am scared to tell them. Does anyone have any advice about this? I don't want to lie to them or sneak around, but i don't know how to tell them.
Thats one issue.
Our relationship has always been rocky. We care very much each other, my boyfriend and I, but there are some serious problems in our relationship. We have sort of taken turns throughout the four years hurting each other, and lately i have been hurting him the most. I tell him I want a relationship, I freak out a few months into it, and tell him I'm not ready, and then back out again, spend a few weeks away, and miss him terribly, call him back and want to get back together. I realize that this is destructive and very hurtful to him. Even a few days after I asked to get back together, I had a sense of panic that he would say yes, and that i would have made yet another mistake and hurt him. When he said no, i was devastated, but slightly relieved. His answer meant that i couldn't hurt him anymore and that maybe i could finally be free of this guilt i have, free of him, and free of our complicated relationship.
I am so confused. I care for him very much, and the last few days have been wonderful. I am scared that in a few weeks I will get sick of him like i have in the past, and break his heart. I don't know why I can't make a decision, to be with him or to not be with him. Its like when I'm with him for awhile, i don't want to be with him anymore. But a few weeks apart I miss him terribly, and want desperately to see him. What is wrong with me? I was elated when we got back together. I am not sick of him and I don't want this to end but i am worried that in a few weeks i will. I am terrified of making a mistake, and at this point its too late. I feel trapped. I don't want to break up, but I don't want to tell my parents, and I am terrified that I have made the biggest mistake by following my feelings whcih are bound to change in a few weeks.
Part of me thinks that this is just another destructive behavior of mine, i have many, and that by continuing to see him our next breakup will be worse. How can i make a decision that isn't going to hurt him or me? At this point, we are already back together and while i am happy that we are back together, there is something in the back of my mind that thinks it was a mistaken, things will not change, and we will continue this circular pattern that has gotten us no where. I am terrified.
Can anyone tell me whats wrong with me?

Parents mostly always want the best for their children. Are they justified in not liking him? I mean, is he stalker-ish? Sometime parents can see things their children can't.
As far as telling them, no matter what their reaction, they will still love you. But it may be time for you to be on your own and see the truth of your situation and learn your own lessons without their protective net.
Since you are the one with the issues of getting close and pulling away, being scared, etc. Have you considered addressing those issues? Through counseling? Some of it might just be because you are afraid of disappointing your parents, but some might be because you know deep down this relationship isn't right for you, but because you have been in it so long, you hold on to it.
Reading material to consider:
What Smart Women Know, Steven Carter & Julia Sokol
Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel
Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis
He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
My best to you while you figure out what you want to do.
Carrie