Scared I'll Never Heal...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Scared I'll Never Heal...
3
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 12:14pm

I've been in a two year relationship with my partner. Everything was great, thought things were good, but when I'd gotten pregnant a couple of months into the partnership---all the trouble began. I 1st caught him on a pregnancy porn/fetish site a mere WEEK after we'd found our we were expecting. (To make this short) I later came to find out he's had a fetish for pregnant women since he was 12! I wanted to leave him, told him I was going to (because obviously I thought the whole thing was a result of his obsession!) but he talked me into staying, saying he'd never view it again and he was wrong.

It went on for a year after. All the way up until three months after my son was born I decided I'd no longer secretly cry and seethe about it all still going on. Told him I was leaving him for sure. He started throwing fits and hurting himself---even hurled himself off out house balcony. Finally we separated and he found out he was manic depressive and full blown bipolar. He got medication and counciling right away and told me he'd make it all right and it would never happen again.

Now is the present. It hasn't happened again, but I know that if his disorder can't be controlled and we (which we're working on) can't communicate right or anything that this won't work out. I think it would go better if I was able to heal from how hurt and extremely angry I am about what he put me through. I'd like to add, in the very beginning of the relationship I told him what I CAN'T and WON'T forgive. The list is obviously any type of abuse, cheating in any way (physical, emotional, cyber, ect) and viewing porn (which I also count as cheating.)

So---how do you forgive something you find unforgivable?! Any advice? I'm so turned off and not in love with him after the whole ordeal. Is there any links/sites that would have good ideas on what do to insure it really doesn't happen again?! My partner cries and feels terrible that he lied so much and did so many bad things. He claims he never liked any of it and hated that part of himself---always felt guilty he wasn't strong enough to overcome temptations and petty evils like porn.

I want to believe him, but am finding it far too hard to do so. Especially since he even one pretended to BE a pregnant woman to cyber with other pregnant women. I feel too betrayed and angry to let go of it all properly. And FAR FAR to scared to open up and try again! I'm petrified he won't be able to overcome all of what bipolar disorder causes as well as become a better person and learn to prevent the possibility of it all happening again.

Also, lastly he's (due to disorders) everything I can't stand. He's disorganized, cluttered, he puts WAY to much time into video games and comic books, never talks about anything other than video games (ect,) gets irritable easy, always feels like he has to be doing something, makes immature comments, spends excessively on action figures (ect,) & doesn't EVER think or plan ahead. Are these going to stick with him forever?!

- A Very Distressed Mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 12:54pm

Well, you're definitely dealing with a lot here.


What concerns me is how angry and hurt you are and how you indicate you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 12:57pm
I don't know if he'll ever change, but I know that you are committing a serious mistake. Your words are not matching your actions. You told him that you would not condone infidelity and here are you in the relationship. You lost your credibility with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 1:07pm

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