screwed up with best friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
screwed up with best friends
6
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 7:18am
so i live in university and i really like this guy but the problem is that i had sex with him before i realised i like him. SO othen after 2 months i decided to get closer to him so i thought i should hang out with his best friend thats my neighbour on the campus. so one nigth when i was hanging out with this guy he was coming on to me and honestly i have a problem with saying no (something i need to fix) so i was stupid and slept with his best friend. Twice! so from the last time a month has went by and i feel so bad about myself and every time i see the guy i like i get nervous and cant show i like him in anyway cause honestly i screwed up. but honestly i do reallyt like this guy and i want to fix thing no matter what it takes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 11:48am

I think you need to look at the situation. You slept with Guy #1 and his best friend Guy #2 twice. Do you really think you can build a strong healthy relationship with Guy #1 knowing you've been with his best friend? I think he would most likely have a problem with it.

It doesn't sound like you have much of a foundation to build a relationship on. Its hard to tell from your post since there isn't much detail regarding the person you like, but personally I think you need to learn from your mistakes. First, figure out why you can't say 'no' and learn to respect yourself. You should respect your body and only share it with those you feel truly deserve to be with you. Sounds kind of silly I'm sure but its true. You are risking your health and your reputation - which most surely will affect how men view you. Secondly, learn more about the men you choose to sleep with prior to going through with it.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 11:55am

This is a complicated situation. It sounds as though you need some help with your feelings and the ways in which you relate with guys. It doesn't help to punish yourself, but it would help to learn better ways of handling emotions and learning how to say no.


In terms of the guy you like, the best would be to talk to him about your feelings. I don't know if he knows that you slept with his best friend. You don't have to bring it up. If he does know, then just include it in the conversation. Tell him you like him a lot and would like to get closer. Right now you are not a couple and do not have an agreement not to sleep with anyone else. Of course it was unwise to sleep with his best friend if you care for him, but that is in the past. See where things stand now. You don't know how he feels unless you actually talk to him about this. It's possible he has feelings for you as well. It's possible he may be open to working on things in the future and building a relationship of mutual trust.


Get some help as you do all this. See a counsellor and work on your self esteem, impulse control and just learning how to the best you can in relationships.


All good wishes,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 4:17pm

Welcome to the board mercedeh,


Do you think your inability to say no comes from low self-esteem and thereby using sex and/or attention as a way to validate yourself as a desirable, loveable woman?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 4:32pm
the thing is that i KNOW i have a problem and i am working on it and im learning to say no. And i also know thers not much foundation to build a relationship on. I know all these things i just need to know how to fix things. I dont know either if he knows or not because although i know guy stalk to one another about these things these two guys are always so quiet. They never hang out much around people and stay to themselves, especially the best friend of the guy i like. No one knows with slept together because i would find out if he told someone because its such a small community here. The only poroblem is that i dont want to date this guy i like and then he would find out a couple of months in the relationship i want to start it the right way. i will try to talk to him but the thing is i dont know what he knows. i guess i just have to take my chances and say somethings. thank you all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 4:39pm
Ok, let's do this in reverse...... how would you feel if he had sex with your best friend twice? What could he say to fix it and have a relationship with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 4:43pm
that's why i have been so confused because honestly i would not date a guy that did that but i actually do like him but i know inn a way its hopeless. my best friends says i just have to wait it out and see what happens because its too soon for me to do anything at the moment.