Second Anniversary, fizzling marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Second Anniversary, fizzling marriage
3
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 11:20am
My second anniversary is coming up in less than two weeks. I love my husband very much and he does love me. But I think he is completely bored with me. He seems to blossom up in group settings of mixed groups or his buddies. We've had some changes lately. I went from second shift to 8-5pm, whereas he is still working till 10:30pm. I am near falling asleep when he gets home. I have switched to a more stressful job. My boss, the president of the corporation, was terminated. I have a new boss; he may or may not bring in his own assistant. So my job may be in jeopardy. We just bought a house; we're tight on money. He is changing jobs, too. But I like to communicate and he doesn't like to beat a dead horse over what is stressful: money and job, same old stuff. We decided to quit going out so much (my suggestion, he agreed) so we'd be less strapped on cash. He agrees he has taken me for granted, but doesn't mean to. I try to come up with FREE fun ideas: having candlelit dinner waiting for him when he comes home, with soft music in background; body massage after he worked all day. But if he can't go out (which we have both agreed to minimize) and party, he'd rather watch TV or play video games on computer. Not much opportunity for communicating what's going on. I just want to cry. It's hard to admit I am boring to him, but it's not a lack for trying. He isn't interested in my ideas. This is his longest relationship and he is 34. (We've been together for 6.5years.) Any suggestions? I could use them. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 7:01pm
Hon, he's responsible for his own entertainment, boredom - meaning if he thinks he's bored with you, guess what he's really just bored with himself and doesn't know how to entertain himself and he's blaming you. How sad. He thinks he's bored if he's not going out and interacting with other people, spending money, read that 'the life of the party'... happiness comes from within, not from another person, place or thing. So no matter what you plan, no matter how many ideas you come up with, he's still going to be bored, because he looks to other people to entertain him. He doesn't know how to do it for himself yet.

Idea: have friends over to watch a movie, rent one, watch tv, have a potluck with other couples, join a walking, biking riding, etc group, something you already have equipment for, or budget money for entertainment and stick to the budget. If he's not willing to try these things, it may be time to walk away from the relationship as it doesn't sound like he's interested in understanding who he is.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:43pm
Thank you for the suggestion...I do think he would like to have another couple or two come over. There is one couple we hang out with, but I have stopped doing so because both people in the relationship are unhealthy together. One is an alcoholic who doesn't know how to stop and my husband ends up paying the bar tab (my husband is sometimes too generous when we go out, to the point of being taken advantage of. -yes, I've put a stop to this.) His girlfriend is nice but puts up with the negatives of the alcoholism so she can have material things. My husband and I have no issues compared to this. But he still likes to go out with them. I only do occassionaly, typically saying I'd rather stay home. My husband is a great guy, but I am hurting. I am not giving up: I meant in 'good times and in bad'. But one can only take so much stress. I feel emotionally isolated from my husband. I know that is so bad. Women are emotional and are able to express themselves with words. Men are stoic and show their emotions(sometimes) through actions. Again, thanks for responding. It's nice to get an unbiased opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 7:27pm
He may be just settling in. When the honeymoon is over, there is a period of getting settled in. He probably has his own routine and you have become part of it.

I'm a person who when I am around other people, I come alive. When I am at home, I'm quiet and go about doing things in a quiet way. He may be like that.

He sounds very comfortable. I'm sure he doesn't find you boring.

Enjoy yourself on your anniversary!