second opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2008
second opinions
7
Sat, 07-26-2008 - 5:35pm

i was looking for a second opinion or advise. heres my situation:


i have been dating the same guy since senior year of high school. weve been together 4 years now. we both live with my mother. i am currently seeing a counselor and she is helping me with relaxation techniques because i am "mild to moderate deppressed". i have the irritable depresssion not the one you see on tv all the time. basically i get mad fast and have very little tolerance. im working on that and have improved a lot. my counselor said that my relationship probably was part of the cause or aidding my depression. my boyfriend considers me his wife and presents me as that to his friends. i think were boyfriend and girlfriend. later into the relationship he started calling me names (stupid, dumb, hoe, bitch). he says his playing around and doesnt say it to hurt my feelings. i have talked to him about it and told him they are hurtful and dont like it. he has gone to my college to check up on me because he thought i was cheattting on him when i was studying for a final with an older man who had an A

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sat, 07-26-2008 - 6:14pm

Hon...pack his SH@t in garbage bags throw them outside right behind him.
You live with your mother, if it were my daughter I would have already had him on the street by the police if necessary, and he would not step foot on my property again.

This is not love.. You have been with him for 4 years, and probably think this is the way is should be but it is not..If he loved you at all he wouldn't call you names, put his hands on you like that, or take other girls #s. This guy is a jerk (can't say what I really think he is, not allowed on the board). Most abuser start out this way, it will not get better only worse.

You deserve so much better than this, (repeat that to yourself 100 times a day if necessary) get him out of your life, restraining order if necessary, you are in school so maybe talk with the counselor at school and get help working through this, and get enough self respect and love for yourself so that you will not let anyone else treat you like this. You don't deserve this but you have to believe that first.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2008
Sat, 07-26-2008 - 6:29pm

thank you for your response. i didnt think i would get such a quick response.


i just wanted to make it clear that my mother is not aware of my situation. she doesn't know anything that happened or is happening. shes not a bad mom at all. we have different schedules so we hardly see each other. i work full time and go to school and she works fulltime and has part time jobs. i guess i should have written that in the fisrt place.


but thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 07-26-2008 - 7:31pm

Larissa, is your counsellor helping you with your self esteem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 12:04am

"he says his playing around and doesnt say it to hurt my feelings. i have talked to him about it and told him they are hurtful and dont like it. "


If it doesnt feel like playing around...then it's not playing around.


Just because you get mad fast and have low tolerance for b.s. doesnt make you depressed...it makes you a person who can appear bitchy to people...I should know because I'm that way myself and I have been this way for as long as I can remember.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 1:08am

Welcome to the board larissa2008,


Your boyfriend is controlling and verbally abusive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 9:25am

Please, take a mental step back and read your post as if your best friend had written it. What would you tell her to do if she were in this position? You'd probably be afraid for her and tell her to leave, right?

I think your guy is a little bit delusional. No matter what he considers you, you are not his wife, and you would not be his wife until you got married. It's not right for him to introduce you to people as his wife because it's just not correct.

Persistent name-calling is abuse. Those are some really nasty things to say to someone he claims to love. And you told him that it's hurtful, but he still does it. That's because he doesn't really care that it hurts you. He almost hit you, larissa, THAT IS ABUSE.

Something is just not right about him. I have to tell you, couples' counseling is NOT for you. It is not aimed at abusive relationships because abusive relationships cannot be mended. No counselor in their right mind would ever try to help you work a relationship out with someone who treats you this way. A professional would tell you to leave and never look back. And that's what I'm going to tell you to do, too. There is a lot worse in store for you if you stay here, but if you get out now you have a chance at being happy and finding someone who loves you enough to not only say he loves you, but TREAT you as though he loves you, never raise a hand to you, and never call you a name. Please think about it, I am concerned for you.

PS: I will have to look into irritable depression, I've never heard of that before but I can identify with the symptom you described and I really want to get rid of it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2008
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 11:03am

Larissa


Run run run!!! He is trouble and it will only get worse!!!


You may love him...but ask yourself why you love a guy that can put you down and then try to hit you!!! That is not love !!!


Run