Secret Relationship
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Secret Relationship
| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:53pm |
I apologize in advance if this is long.
About 5 years ago before I was married, my then boyfriend moved in with me.
I found a letter from a women he was corresponding with. It seemed like a love letter to me and I reacted to it. I got drunk and when my boyfriend came home he says I was suicidal over it. He claims they were only friends and he met her online and she lives on the other side of the US and they had never met. Well I let it go and forgot about her.
A couple weeks ago he made the mistake of leaving an email she sent him in his send box at home. He had forwarded the email to his work. The email talked about our wedding and a few other things. I guess she is getting married. In the letter he closed with "I really enjoyed writing this" and I love you.
I asked him about it and it turns out that they have been corresponding with each other all this time through his work email and regular mail. She has even called his work!
I was shocked, hurt, angry.....he claims he never told me because of my reaction to her years ago. That they are only really good friends. I told him to tell her she could email him at home now and write letters to his home address. He said that was fine by him but really it was up to her. Well he still is corresponding with her through work, everynight and before he goes to work he checks his work email from home. When I bring up her he gets really defensive. I asked him didn't he feel bad keeping a secret like that for all these years, he said no....its the way it had to be.
For some reason I feel like he's still hiding things. I think there is more to the story than he's telling me.
My friends tell me to just let it go....I wish I could
About 5 years ago before I was married, my then boyfriend moved in with me.
I found a letter from a women he was corresponding with. It seemed like a love letter to me and I reacted to it. I got drunk and when my boyfriend came home he says I was suicidal over it. He claims they were only friends and he met her online and she lives on the other side of the US and they had never met. Well I let it go and forgot about her.
A couple weeks ago he made the mistake of leaving an email she sent him in his send box at home. He had forwarded the email to his work. The email talked about our wedding and a few other things. I guess she is getting married. In the letter he closed with "I really enjoyed writing this" and I love you.
I asked him about it and it turns out that they have been corresponding with each other all this time through his work email and regular mail. She has even called his work!
I was shocked, hurt, angry.....he claims he never told me because of my reaction to her years ago. That they are only really good friends. I told him to tell her she could email him at home now and write letters to his home address. He said that was fine by him but really it was up to her. Well he still is corresponding with her through work, everynight and before he goes to work he checks his work email from home. When I bring up her he gets really defensive. I asked him didn't he feel bad keeping a secret like that for all these years, he said no....its the way it had to be.
For some reason I feel like he's still hiding things. I think there is more to the story than he's telling me.
My friends tell me to just let it go....I wish I could

Read this and if you feel it has value share it with him:
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.
About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie
When I asked him to tell her to write to our house or end it, he flipped out.
He says I have picked his friends since we got married and this one he would not end.
My friends have told me that I have already told him its ok to continue the relationship, just out in the open. So now I have to leave it alone...I guess I just want to "see" what they are writing to each other.
Anyway, I am very confused, thanks for your input!
They have an emotional bond. Even if he's not discussing your personal problems, they are sharing personal, intimate, emotional details.
1) It seemed like a love letter to me (Because it probably was)
2) The email talked about our wedding and a few other things. I guess she is getting married. (that's personal, intimate details he's sharing with another woman)
3)In the letter he closed with "I really enjoyed writing this" and I love you. (most people only say 'I love you' to someone they have a close, emotional bond with.
4) the fact that he's being sharing with this friend from work, hiding it from you is not a good sign.
I wonder if you weren't in the picture if he would be off to see her at some point?
I hope it all works out well for you both.
Carrie
I've tried telling him I'm not comfortable with it, but he really does flip out
and tell me I pick his friends. He can rationalize it all. When I asked if he would like
it if I had kept something like that from him, he says he never would have prevented me
from having a friend in the first place.
I really don't know what I can do, I think if I push the issue he will tell me we are
over, and I'm making him choose.
thanks for the advice