Seemingly unfair take on things

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Seemingly unfair take on things
Fri, 09-06-2013 - 12:03am

This may sound a little funny but I need some opinions on this. Started dating this really amazing lady a few years back but it has been on & off (more off than on) because we just seem to have so differnt views about things. we have walked away many times, trying to accept we are just not compatible, and somehow, we always try it again..the other issues i know and hope to figure out but have one i can't just don't get... the unfairness of issues we argue about. I am generally a very laid back guy, meaning i don't try to control, judge the actions of my partner. If i have decided i love and trust you, then I limit my say on your actions. Plus we are all grown folks, capable of making our own decisions. So never will I be the guy asking who are calling, or where are you going, or any of that possessive stuff. And she loves this about me. but on the other hand she is the exact opposite. I can't change a thing in my routine without getting the third degree... and that drives me crazy. 2 good examples.

-At the swimming pool, I wear a pair of running shorts at times, very plain, standard issue, worn by quite a few other people at such pools too. She does not like them because they seem to cling too much when wet. I disagree but my main issue she is wearing a 2 piece bikini, which i have no issues with, but is then complaining about my shorts... i can't see how a person can logically do that...

- Friends of opposite gender... another battle ground area.  She has good male friends, and she hangs out, goes for parties, swaps meals and other normal stuff friends do. And i'm ok with that...but let some lady i know do anything of kindness in my direction, and all of a sudden, that woman might be trying to get at me, regardless of her age or marital status... again, i look and say same thing, where is the logic in that... if you believe that you as a woman can have male friends, then how is it that any female that does something friendly is after something?

maybe my issue is i am trying to use logical thinking in a relationship...

Does any of that make sense to anyone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 09-06-2013 - 1:45am

Who said life is fair?  This is the reason that you're off and on, mostly off.  It has nothing to do with fairness, it has to do with the fact that she's an insecure woman, and without some kind of therapy she's never going to change.  Insecurity is a terrible thing, and insecure people don't know what trust is.  They're afraid you'll look at another woman and find her more attractive.  They're afraid another woman will look at you, and you'll be so thrilled that you'll cheat on them, or leave them.  There's an element of controlling in there you may as well accept that this is what/who she is, or walk away and find someone who doesn't have the problem.  You don't, and as you know, one who does can drive you nuts.  I'm like you.  I trust unless I'm shown a very good reason not to.  My ex was like her.......where did you go, why are you late, who did you talk to, why are you looking at that man.......jealousy was rampant......and there was no reason for it.......but it got worse over the years......all the while he was cheating on me.  He was the worlds most insecure man, and I took it for 20 years before I divorced him.  Save yourself the trouble, walk now and don't look back. Make it a permanent "off"!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-06-2013 - 10:46am

The bathing suit thing is kind of trivial--you could always get a different bathing suit, but the thing about she can have male friends and do things with them but you can't have female friends is not the basis for a good relationship.  It isn't logical and she is showing that she doesn't trust you.  I would not want to put up with that.  I think that you probably have a good deal of physical attraction for each other which is why you keep trying again, but the basis for a good relationship has to be more than that.  When your basic values are incompatible, you can keep hoping the other person is going to change, but it's never going to work out.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 09-06-2013 - 1:17pm

Seems that unless you can accept that your GF is who she is, and be okay with that, you two will continue to struggle.  And vice-versa. 

Either you love her exactly the way she is, or you don't.  Hopefully we all want to grow and change in positive ways, but we can't expect anyone to change.  If I were to guess, you two must have a good physical connection, which is why you two keep trying.  But this other stuff will eat you alive. 

Unless she makes a huge and profound revelation that she needs to change if she ever wants a healthy relationship, I don't see things working for you two. 

Just an opinion based off an annonymous post, KWIM?

Good luck with what ever you decide to do. 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 2:39am

 Hi Master Chief:

     In a nutshell, kick her insecure butt to the curb yesterday.  When I was a plebe I might has stood for such.  Today I would immediately show her the door.  I would not explain for it is pointless,she is not at this point in her life able to comprehend past her own emotional filters.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 11:04am
You seem like a nice can find someone better matched for yourself...because she is not it..