self-confident women wanted

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
self-confident women wanted
2
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 8:55am
I need some advice from women who are secure and confident about themselves and their relationships. I have some insecurities that need worked out or I will never be happy. At this stage of my life, I have made my husband, kids and job my entire life and I feel as though I do not even have any friends that I can turn to about this issue.

I am 38 years old and been married to the same man for nearly 20 years. We have 3 children together and a good relationship in most ways. However, I feel that my husband places way way to much emphasis on how I look and I absolutely can't stand it. I think he judges other women this way too.

He also checks out other women right in front of me when we have been out together. I have talked to him about this. For a long time he denied it. Now he just says he does't know why he does it. I feel that this has contributed to my insecurities over the years. I think I should start doing this to him so that he can see how it feels. I have tried to do so but just cannot bring myself to do it. Probably because I feel that it is totally disrepectful to the person you're with. I want him to know how it feels though so how can I get this through to him? I have told him that it makes me feel not good enough. We have fought about it many times but also have talked calmly about it. Nothing seems to change the situation. I do not know what to do.

I have always taken good care of myself. I am a size 2 and have been told many times that I am very attractive. I have a 17 year old daughter and we are told all the time that we look like sisters so I look very young for my age also. I do feel that my husband as well as other men are attracted to me. I've gotten to the point that I want him to act jealous in certain situations but he doesn't. This also makes me insecure.

I need to say on his behalf that he has been a devoted and very affectionate husband our entire marriage. He tells me nearly every day that he loves me. He also tells me constantly that he thinks that I am beautiful and he feels lucky to have me.

Am I expecting too much from him? He would be nearly perfect if it were not for these issues. I know you have to take the good with the bad but this pressure I feel to look perfect all the time and the gawking at other women are making me miserable. Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:22am

So, basically, you have a good relationship for the most part...he treats you well, gives you attention.Only problem is that he tends to eye other women. I would be aliar if i said that it wouldnt bother me too.Id also be a liar if i said that It wasnt human.


Point is, though, how does he do it?Does he really do it in such a fashion that makes you feel degrated?Or, does this issue have to do with more of your insecurites? If it really bothers you, than you need to tell him so, and he needs to stop doing it so blatentley. You need to work on your self image.Others see you as an attractive woman, i thin kyou want to beleive that about yourself, but have a difficult time...work on that.


Best Wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 1:09pm
I agree completely with the last post. I would just add that maybe it is his emphasis on external qualities that make you feel so insecure. I told my counselor once that I didn't feel my parents loved me because I wasn't pretty enough. Perhaps you feel that he's valuing you and others based on external qualities, rather than inner beauty. Outer beauty fades and is limited in its effect, we all know that. Maybe if you just talk to him about what you feel is his value system, you can clear this up. Best wishes.