Self esteem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2013
Self esteem.
4
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 7:08pm

I've been seeing a guy for almost two years. Probably for the past 8 months or so have been really off and on. Last summer I spent a lot of time hanging out with gy friends, (watching movies, going to ball games, out to eat, etc) which is something I've always done. My guy expressed dislike for it, but I continued anyway, because I was thinking, "No one is going to control me.", and I also didn't bring it up a lot of the time, just did it. I finally put myself in his shoes and thought, if he was doing the same, I wouldn't like it. So I stopped. Part of the problem is that a little over a year ago, he was under the impression that I was cheating, (which I wasn't), so he went out and slept with someone else. It actually didn't end up happening, (he couldn't maintain his arousal) but the intent was there. Since then, whenever we've fought, he's walked away a few times. We have continued to try and work stuff out, but we each have that nagging fear that the other is going to go out and find someone else.

I'm already in counseling, (for self esteem issues and an abusive ex husband) so this is the stuff I'm, bringing up. My question is, has anyone else gone through this sort of thing? If so, how did you handle it? How do I get over this fear that he MIGHT leave, and just enjoy what we have? It's frustrating both of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 09-04-2013 - 9:48am

On and off relationships scream loud and clear that you are not right for each other. His walking away from the relationship on many occasions screams loud and clear that you're not worth sticking it out with and communicating with you to get through the problem. You either need to totally change the way you relate to each other, or break it off and start anew with someone who you're more compatible with. Either attend couples counseling or read books on healthy ways to be in a relationship. Yes, you are accountable to each other. You have to agree to stay together instead of breaking up every time you argue, and work it out instead of fleeing. You have to argue in a constructive way to solve problems and not put each other down. You have to have boundaries. Educate yourselves on better communication. If he's not willing to work on it, then he's telling you he doesn't care. If he cares, he will work hard to build a nice life with you. Good luck.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 09-04-2013 - 2:39pm

I'd have to agree. The way you tow have dealt with problems so far, is not going to cut it for a long term relationship to work. Running away instead of dealing with stuff, is only and always going to lead to unhappiness You will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, always waiting for the next time he runs away. That is not my idea of a fun and fulfilling relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 09-04-2013 - 3:00pm

You know you have self esteem issues, that's exactly why you gravitate toward men like this.....because you feel that's the best you can do.  Men who are jealous (suspect cheating is a good example) when there is no reason to be........are men with problems.  Men who think that because you cheated, it's a free pass for them to cheat.......are certainly men with problems.  You don't NEED a man with problems, but until you fix yourself, this is what you attract.  They can read you, they know they can control you.  You stopped seeing your gay friends because he didn't like it.......you think YOU stopped, but really, he "controlled" you into doing what he wanted you to do.  You know you have issues, your ex husband was abusive, and you went right back to another controlling and abusive man.   "Whenever you've fought, he's walked away a few times"!  Of course, because neither of you know how to deal with differences.......fighting is not the answer, and then walking away solves nothing either.  You're not enjoying "what you have" because it's a dysfunctional relationship, and until you have more therapy, you need to stay out of relationships completely.  Rather than worry that he MIGHT leave, ask him to leave, and work on your own issues........you can't help him with his.....that's up to him, not you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 12:15pm

Since you're already going to couseling, would your guy consider going with you discuss the communication and trust issues you two have with each other?