Selfish or what

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Selfish or what
3
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 4:54pm


After 18 years of building a life together my wife is not sure what she wants.
She/we are lacking "emotional connection" / passion / romance. A week ago
I would have rated our life together and relationship a 10/10.
Now I can't sleep, eat or think about anything else. It is tearing me apart.

With her I am listening and not being judgemental. We are doing the Dr Phil books.
That is my heart.

My head says... How selfish can a person be: Get the hell out...

We have a great lifestyle, she has complete fin freedom to buy and do what she wants. no questions no strings... nails hair.spa.lexus. open checkbook. She has two degrees, both I paid for. She has had two cometic surgeries both I paid for and did not ask for. In bed I am the giver 100%. I am the initiator. I agree we need to be more romantic and passionate.. but it takes two -- I am outta touch somehow...

She is my best friend lover wife... it really feels like I don't really know her. I just don't understand how I could miss something this big....

Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
In reply to: rxsr80
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 8:10pm

What you describe are things - the nails - the spa - the surgery - the checkbook. It appears she is trying to create value physically because she is lacking something internally. I can certainly see why it would appear selfish but I think it is more misguided. I've know people who have claimed to give and be everything to their partner but it's not that simple. If you are saying you're connected and passionate and would give your relationship a 10 and she's feeling like she doesn't know what she wants there's been serious miscommunication somewhere.

Maybe you give her what you think she would want or what you would want but not only are men and women different in how they perceive these things we are each individuals and our needs and desires are unique. It's normal to come to a place in your life where you need to shed the things that no longer serve you and look to creating your life in a more authentic way. This may have nothing whatsoever to do with you.

Your frustration (and hurt) is understandable. I would recommend counseling. Books are helpful but in order to get to the heart of the problem I think you need more in depth accountability and direction.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: rxsr80
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 8:44pm

I agree with sjmystic: counseling is the answer. Although you are letting her spend as much money as she likes, I wonder if she feels that her life is without substance. She has two degrees, but what does she do with them? If she is working, do you sit down with her every evening to discuss what happened to each of you during your days? Do you have children together?

I'm asking all these questions because it really seems as if your wife's relationship is with your checkbook, rather than with you. Please go to counseling, so the two of you can reconnect, and learn to enjoy your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
In reply to: rxsr80
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 5:27pm

Hi RXSR80,

You know she could have low self esteem. I think that is what I have. I think that she needs to fill herself with all the material things because she doesn't know how to love herself. I feel this way about myself too!! When I was young and still lived at home I always wanted to be someone else. My homelife was not a good one. I was abused by one of my relatives at a very young age. My mother was always depressed, and my dad was not a responsible or giving person to his family. I got together with my husband who was one of my brothers best friends when I was sixteen. I didn't love him when we started dating, but I knew he was a responsible person and a good person. I did in time come to love him very much. I don't know why, but he started to pull away from me. It seemed that the more I tried to get close to him the more he just pulled away. It hurt alot. He is not a very romantic guy or the kind of man that flirts or likes to cuddle either. I can still remember when even before we had kids that I wanted to cuddle on the couch and he told me I was smothering him. I think that every time I felt rejected by him it brought my self esteem down. I eventually turned my self off. I mean that I wouldn't try to connect with him anymore. I have always wanted to be loved and love someone in return. I sometimes think why are my kids not enough. I love then unconditionally and they love me the same way. After having my affair, I see alot of thing differently now. I now see that it is up to me to make myself happy and not my husband or any other person. I now know that if I am board in my life that I need to make it exciting and fulfilling. I also know that I need to communicate better and let the people in my life know how I feel. I need to let the people in my life know what I actually want. All I can say is that keep communicating to your wife. Good Luck!!!
Des