Selfishness on moving in

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2008
Selfishness on moving in
8
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 9:17pm
Okay so here is my problem. I have been dating my guy for almost four years, having had two breakups (one lasting a month and the second lasting three long months during the holidays). Both breakups are because he wasn't ready and the second was because he wanted to make sure I was "the one". Getting back together I was told that I am the one, he wants to get married and have children. We are seven years apart...he is 34.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 9:36pm
He is just prolonging the inevitable....again....letting you go so you can find someone who wants to commit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 9:56pm

Welcome to the board destar5,


While I don't think you should have to compromise your beliefs, I can understand him wanting to move in before getting engaged.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 10:01pm

Welcome to the board destar5,


I highly recommend you read the book: Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis





angels

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 10:30pm

"What does he need to find out about me that he doesn't know? "


Do you want to see if he is serious about this?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 2:19pm

He's stringing you along. If he doesn't know by now, he never will. Four years ia a long time. He is not being respectful to you in not offering an engagement at this point, and it would be a real mistake for you to move in on any other basis. You don't have to audition for him. It's either time to go forward or not. If I were you I'd really think about why you even want to stay with him at this point when he doesn't want to make that committment? It's better to throw away 4 years than to let the waste go on and on.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 5:06pm

I agree with the advice you've received (and great book suggestions) but Dr Shoshanna is absolutely right (in my opinion) that he's stringing you along and that by now, regardless of whether or not you've lived together, he either knows in his heart 100% that you're the one he wants to marry, or you need to cut your losses.

Living together is very helpful but you're past the point of needing it to confirm that you should take your relationship further. I think he's stalling for time and trying to convince himself to feel it for you when he really doesn't. At least not enough.

You can either think of it as throwing 4 years away, or as 4 years of valuable experience. Having a history with someone is not a reason to continue a relationship - not even remotely. Yes it makes ENDING the relationship harder, but having spent 4 years with someone doesn't make you compatible or make you a good couple.

Don't compromise your beliefs. You've both gone as far as you're going to go, living together isn't going to convince him of anything except that you're willing to be strung along as long as there's a diamond on the end of his string.

I think you should call it off now, completely, and have a chance to start over from scratch with someone who is sure of you. This one isn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 12:49pm

I wouldn't move in with him until you have a ring and a date. After 4 years he should know if you are "the one" or not. Living together should not decide if you want to get married or not.

I also would not move in with someone I did not have a ring from. DH and I were engaged when I was 18 but did not move in together until I was 21 because of college.

Yes it is easier to break up than end an engagement but it is easier to break up and not live together than it is to break up when you share a residence.

If he does not believe you will have any issues then why not give a ring and date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 4:16pm
Hi. I have not been in your situation, but having been in 2 unsuccessful marriages with 2 guys that would not compromise, let me just advise you that if he's not willing to compromise now, he most likely won't in the future either. It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. I totally understand about not wanting to throw away a four year relationship, believe me, but are you going to be happy with your choices if you move in together and then it doesn't work out, and then you have to live with the guilt of what you promised yourself? Good luck. It won't be an easy decision.