Separated for 9 months and still undecided!
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|Thu, 07-05-2012 - 12:11pm|
In a few weeks, I'll be married for 3 years. No kids together, just a dog. Since the beginning of our marriage, things were rocky and we had issues. Many were about communication or lack of it really. Things were said and done that are hard for me to just forget. On top of that, I think a mirror was put in my face and I saw things about my H that were very hard (and still are) for me to accept...that he's very childish/immature, very needy, etc. So it was a combination of things that led to our problems. I decided to go back to my parents house for a separation in October 2011. Now we're in July and I still can't push myself one way or the other to either divorce or go back to try again. He claims that in the past few months of being on his own, he's made a turn around, has a new philosophy on marriage and life in general and knows what we did wrong and is confident we can fix it. He's been waiting for me all this time when really, he could have just went to go meet other women or given up all together. Part of me knows though too he's holding onto our marriage SO tightly bc of his insecurities, fear of being alone and of starting over. He'd never say or admit to that but he doesn't get that deep into himself. I know him better than he knows himself- if you know what I mean,
I've been going to therapy for the entire time we've been married too to try to work things out for myself. Honestly, I started questioning my decision and trying to figure out what to do only about 2 months into our marriage when we got a puppy together and I was seeing things that would scare me about him being a parent. Therapy has helped me in many ways but then in others, I'm still here in the same place...lol. My mind is so tired of thinking...feel like that's all I've been doing for years.
I was ready to throw in the towel but then hearing him say his newly found attitude has me wondering how different it would be. My therapist says the only way I'll know is to move back IN with him...that'll get me unstuck bc I'll be able to see how things would be (if different at all) and see how I feel. As of right now, I had agreed to move back in a few weeks. But from that point of agreeing, I now find myself getting tense when he brings it up. Like my stomach drops. Could be the comforts of being "home" where I grew up I suppose...could be that the thought of going back scares me bc there are nothing but bad memories there and it's something I need to work through and push myself...OR it could just be ME and my voice inside saying that's not what I want but I'm not even listening to it. I just don't know