Separated for 9 months and still undecided!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Separated for 9 months and still undecided!
32
Thu, 07-05-2012 - 12:11pm

In a few weeks, I'll be married for 3 years.  No kids together, just a dog.  Since the beginning of our marriage, things were rocky and we had issues.  Many were about communication or lack of it really.  Things were said and done that are hard for me to just forget.  On top of that, I think a mirror was put in my face and I saw things about my H that were very hard (and still are) for me to accept...that he's very childish/immature, very needy, etc.  So it was a combination of things that led to our problems.  I decided to go back to my parents house for a separation in October 2011.  Now we're in July and I still can't push myself one way or the other to either divorce or go back to try again.  He claims that in the past few months of being on his own, he's made a turn around, has a new philosophy on marriage and life in general and knows what we did wrong and is confident we can fix it.  He's been waiting for me all this time when really, he could have just went to go meet other women or given up all together.  Part of me knows though too he's holding onto our marriage SO tightly bc of his insecurities, fear of being alone and of starting over.  He'd never say or admit to that but he doesn't get that deep into himself.  I know him better than he knows himself- if you know what I mean,

I've been going to therapy for the entire time we've been married too to try to work things out for myself.  Honestly, I started questioning my decision and trying to figure out what to do only about 2 months into our marriage when we got a puppy together and I was seeing things that would scare me about him being a parent.  Therapy has helped me in many ways but then in others, I'm still here in the same place...lol.  My mind is so tired of thinking...feel like that's all I've been doing for years.  

I was ready to throw in the towel but then hearing him say his newly found attitude has me wondering how different it would be.  My therapist says the only way I'll know is to move back IN with him...that'll get me unstuck bc I'll be able to see how things would be (if different at all) and see how I feel.  As of right now, I had agreed to move back in a few weeks.  But from that point of agreeing, I now find myself getting tense when he brings it up.  Like my stomach drops.  Could be the comforts of being "home" where I grew up I suppose...could be that the thought of going back scares me bc there are nothing but bad memories there and it's something I need to work through and push myself...OR it could just be ME and my voice inside saying that's not what I want but I'm not even listening to it.  I just don't know :smileysad: 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Re: Separated for 9 months and still undecided!
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 7:07pm

Khatru,


Thank you for your insightful post.  You made a lot of good points that really made me think.  I, too look at the physical and emotional reactions as my "guide".  Those feelings were what stopped me last weekend from following through with the plan to move back in.  I told myself I had to listen to the feelings a little closer and take a look at them and NOT overlook them as I have in the past.

You mention the 8 year track record.  And I know- that's what I tell and ask myself...how much longer does this need to go on?  These has been ongoing for years now and something still just isn't "right".  It's that hope and wish in my heart that keeps me hanging..the wish of feeling like it could work out.  There's nothing more in the world that I want than to be married and have a family.  So I think I'm pushing for it so much and it keeps me hanging around.

I think the part that hit me the most was the one about the debt.  It actually got me a little mad to think that yeah he has pretty much sat around and waited for us to buy a house for somehting to be done about the debt.  He's pretty much just banked on that to happen and yeah I guess has waited around instead of trying to put himself or "US" in a better position financially. This also falls under the lack of respect umbrella.  I don't have that respect for him as my husband as I should bc the financial responsibility (as far as debt, saving, etc) isn't there.

I just feel guilty like I'm just throwing it away without trying.  Like I tell my father, it's not just a random boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  I'm suppose to fight to the end- especially according to what my religion teaches.  But again it comes down to accepting too.  I need to accept how I feel, accept what I want and it accept that it may just be time to move on.  It's weird bc I was with him all weekend as a way to TRY and a way to spend time with each other and see how things go.  As far as hanging out, it's good.  We like the same things, we enjoy stuff together, we enjoy the time together.  But when it comes to that intimate part, that's where everything changes for me.  When he gets intimate, I just get uncomfortable looking for the kiss to end.  I just wasn't into it at all.  I guess that tells me that yeah- he is like a best friend but a FRIEND.  I didn't feel that spark.  That makes me so sad to even read that as I type it and again I WISH that would be different. :smileysad: 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 9:20am
Well that's where I run into a wall...if there are any changes that he made the only way I'll see them is by moving back in and waiting it out for a while. If he is
"faking" it , he can only do it for so long. The problem is I don't have the energy to even go back! I just feel tired. I know that that should basically be my answer...that I'm just done and it's time to move on. I just have this huge fear that down the road I may be kicking myself saying I should have tried!

It's weird- I left therapy even more confused yesterday. Lol. We were talking about how people can change with therapy. They can work on their insecurities and make changes. She has a feeling my H has ADD. With the way I describe him, she feels he sounds a lot like her husband was before he was diagnosed. So then of course I start wondering- what if he does have smthg that is causing him to act in certain ways? What if it's something that's fixable? So does that mean a lot of couples CAN actually work things out and salvage their relationship? I guess my underlying question is, aside from the obvious like drugs or abuse, what are other acceptable reasons or situations to call it quits???

I feel so stupid sometimes...just so immature. I've realized I really needed to grow up in many ways before I even got married. The inexperience is catching up to me now.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 9:48am
Sure many couples go to therapy and many can and do work things out. As far as "acceptable" reasons to call it quits, I do not think there is universally accepted master list anywhere, this is something that comes down to the individual. YOU have to decide whats acceptable to you.

Your head is telling you that logically he could change, you could regret ending it, you might be making a mistake by ending it. However your heart is telling you to stay away.

I have to come back to the feeling of being comfortable. You have to be able to be yourself in your own home. It is not acceptable to live in any environment that has tension on a daily basis. I liken it to wearing a pair of wool PJs. It causes a minor itch but an itch that will drive you insane until you remove the PJs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 1:22pm

I agree that it's up to you how much you want to try--some people will feel that only something major like drug use or abuse is a good enough reason to get divorced.  Other people seem to give up at the drop of a hat.  I think the middle ground is that if you have put in a reasonable effort but things are still not good, then it's time to call it quits.  i do remember that one thing my therapist told me when I was thinking about ending my marriage is that if you have to get the other person to change something about themselves to be happily married, it's already not a good marriage. If you DH truly does have ADD, then can you accept him "as his is?"  Like would you be willing to take charge of paying bills and major things like that to make sure they are done?  Would you be able to remind him about things w/o getting resentufl?  I don't think it's reasonable to say to him "well, you have ADD so if you change this & do this, then I'll stay with you."  Not to say that there aren't things he could do that could be more helpful to him--but he has to be willing to make changes because he thinks they are necessary--I think usually doing it for someone else is not going to work.  It's like at times my 1st exH would complain that I had gained weight, which made me very resentful and thinking that he should love me whether I gained weight or not.  So that did not motivate me to exercise and eat healthy to please him.  But if I decided that I would be better off if I ate healthier & went to the gym, then that would be the motivation to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 8:49pm
"...some people will feel that only something major like drug use or abuse is a good enough reason to get divorced."

That a part of it right there- I feel like me just not being happy with him, or respecting him and loving him as I should or just what we've been through aren't "good enough" reasons to call it quits. My therapist pointed this out too...that bc of my religion and how ive been growing up, I can't or shouldn't just end it. It's a constant conflict in my head. It brings guilt too.

Very good point about brin comfortable and that's what I've been reminding myself of since I left. How relaxed and stress free I feel. It's been so refreshing to me. Sad but true. But here's what I wonder to those in a marriage and or livig with someone...are you always 100% comfortable and free to just do and be with your spouse in your home? I feel like when you're married- aren't you always going to be thinking about what to do to make your spouse happy...or doing something they may or may not like...or worrying about sex...I just feel like there is always going to be something so isn't everyone to some extent not 100% comfortable? Or am I getting things all confused? Lol.

Music lover- your points about the change r true and make sense. I feel like how many more things am I going to put him through and tell him that r "wrong" w him. I just feel so horrible when I think about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 10:23pm
"...some people will feel that only something major like drug use or abuse is a good enough reason to get divorced."

That a part of it right there- I feel like me just not being happy with him, or respecting him and loving him as I should or just what we've been through aren't "good enough" reasons to call it quits. My therapist pointed this out too...that bc of my religion and how ive been growing up, I can't or shouldn't just end it. It's a constant conflict in my head. It brings guilt too.

Very good point about brin comfortable and that's what I've been reminding myself of since I left. How relaxed and stress free I feel. It's been so refreshing to me. Sad but true. But here's what I wonder to those in a marriage and or livig with someone...are you always 100% comfortable and free to just do and be with your spouse in your home? I feel like when you're married- aren't you always going to be thinking about what to do to make your spouse happy...or doing something they may or may not like...or worrying about sex...I just feel like there is always going to be something so isn't everyone to some extent not 100% comfortable? Or am I getting things all confused? Lol.

Music lover- your points about the change r true and make sense. I feel like how many more things am I going to put him through and tell him that r "wrong" w him. I just feel so horrible when I think about it.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 12:49pm
You are right, when you live with someone you cannot just do as you please 100% of the time. You must take your partners feelings into consideration. That is just part of being in a relationship. I suppose yes you could day there are going to be times in any relationship where some worry will come in. You might want to go out with your friends and worry how your partner might feel about you doing that versus being with your partner. Another example might be going to relatives. One might want to go see their relatives, the other might not want to. That can be a cause of tension and worry. I guess those are relatively small things that most couples have to deal with, it's the nature of the beast.

I think though in your case we are talking about practically a constant state of anxiety about when is he going to pull his crap again. Is it going to be today, tomorrow, etc. It seems like it is not an intermittent, here and there kind of thing, but a waiting game of seeing when the other shoe will drop.

Sure people have to watch their behavior when they live together, taking the others feelings into consideration, saying thank you and please ,etc. But that is not the same as walking on eggshells and completely changing ones behavior in order to accommodate the changing whims and moods of their partner.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 1:12pm

lb2011 wrote:
"...some people will feel that only something major like drug use or abuse is a good enough reason to get divorced."

That a part of it right there- I feel like me just not being happy with him, or respecting him and loving him as I should or just what we've been through aren't "good enough" reasons to call it quits. My therapist pointed this out too...that bc of my religion and how ive been growing up, I can't or shouldn't just end it. It's a constant conflict in my head. It brings guilt too.

Very good point about brin comfortable and that's what I've been reminding myself of since I left. How relaxed and stress free I feel. It's been so refreshing to me. Sad but true. But here's what I wonder to those in a marriage and or livig with someone...are you always 100% comfortable and free to just do and be with your spouse in your home? I feel like when you're married- aren't you always going to be thinking about what to do to make your spouse happy...or doing something they may or may not like...or worrying about sex...I just feel like there is always going to be something so isn't everyone to some extent not 100% comfortable? Or am I getting things all confused? Lol.

In a good marriage, no I don't think that people are always "worried" or anxious about doing something to make their spouse happy.  I think that people try to do things to make their  spouse happy because they want to do it--I used to make my ex a sandwich before he went to work on the night shift not because I thought he might yell at me, but because I wanted to do something nice for him.  And no, when I was married to 2nd DH, we did have a lot of other problems, but sex was not one of them--we had a good sex life.  It's not that it's going to be 100% perfect--sometimes one partner will want sex & the other one might be too tired, sick, upset or whatever, but I'd say that shouldn't be routine--normally both people will want to have regular sex with their spouse.  I think you need to get rid of the useless emotion of guilt.  I was raised Catholic and also divorce was frowned upon--but you have to decide for yourself--do you think that God really wants you to live unhappily with the wrong person forever?  That never made sense to me.  You could commit all kinds of other sins, go to confession & be forgiven, so why wouldn't God also forgive you if you honestly made the wrong choice in who you married?

Music lover- your points about the change r true and make sense. I feel like how many more things am I going to put him through and tell him that r "wrong" w him. I just feel so horrible when I think about it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 10:42pm
I don't want to make it seem like I walked around nervous that he was going to start screaming at any second. I'm so afraid of painting the wrong picture and making him seem like some animal. I guess there was a part of me that wasn't at ease, wondering what kind of mood he'd be in when he got home from work or if he got pissed at something, how he'd react to it, etc. Some of the formula is me hating confrontation too. I avoid it at any cost! So mix that with us not being able to communicate and conversations usually escalating and getting beyond frustrated and u have what it was like. A lot also had to do with him not being happy with how affectionate I was. Like on Saturday mornings I used to dread it bc id want to get up and walk the dog and have some time to myself before he got up. But he'd get upset bc he said I always rushed out of bed and ER never enjoyed a weekend morning together without rushing...and being able to cuddle. I mean I could understand his frustrations and this went on for a long time. But the reason I didn't even want to do those things is bc I had no desire to. I had so much resentment, didn't feel connected to him and again lacked the respect for him. It always goes Back to the respect! Amazing how much that effects everything else. So anyway needless to say- I often dreaded the weekend mornings! It was easier to just have to work.

I have learned to let go of the whole religion thing a little. Thats just what Im telling myself- more than anything, God would just want me to be HAPPY!! And I do believe that in my heart.

Getting back to what u said Khatru about basically all couples will feel uneasy at certain points in their marriage. I'd guess that the key to that though is being able to DISCUSS it with each other and work it out,right? Bc I have to be honest- reading your response made me start to wonder and question that maybe some of the Stuff that exitsed and i thought were so bad about the marriage were actually just "normal".
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 11:38am

Honestly, every time I read about your marriage, I just wonder why you want to stay with a guy you have no respect for, can't communicate with, don't want to be affectionate with--what is good about this marriage?

Pages