Separated for 9 months and still undecided!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Separated for 9 months and still undecided!
32
Thu, 07-05-2012 - 12:11pm

In a few weeks, I'll be married for 3 years.  No kids together, just a dog.  Since the beginning of our marriage, things were rocky and we had issues.  Many were about communication or lack of it really.  Things were said and done that are hard for me to just forget.  On top of that, I think a mirror was put in my face and I saw things about my H that were very hard (and still are) for me to accept...that he's very childish/immature, very needy, etc.  So it was a combination of things that led to our problems.  I decided to go back to my parents house for a separation in October 2011.  Now we're in July and I still can't push myself one way or the other to either divorce or go back to try again.  He claims that in the past few months of being on his own, he's made a turn around, has a new philosophy on marriage and life in general and knows what we did wrong and is confident we can fix it.  He's been waiting for me all this time when really, he could have just went to go meet other women or given up all together.  Part of me knows though too he's holding onto our marriage SO tightly bc of his insecurities, fear of being alone and of starting over.  He'd never say or admit to that but he doesn't get that deep into himself.  I know him better than he knows himself- if you know what I mean,

I've been going to therapy for the entire time we've been married too to try to work things out for myself.  Honestly, I started questioning my decision and trying to figure out what to do only about 2 months into our marriage when we got a puppy together and I was seeing things that would scare me about him being a parent.  Therapy has helped me in many ways but then in others, I'm still here in the same place...lol.  My mind is so tired of thinking...feel like that's all I've been doing for years.  

I was ready to throw in the towel but then hearing him say his newly found attitude has me wondering how different it would be.  My therapist says the only way I'll know is to move back IN with him...that'll get me unstuck bc I'll be able to see how things would be (if different at all) and see how I feel.  As of right now, I had agreed to move back in a few weeks.  But from that point of agreeing, I now find myself getting tense when he brings it up.  Like my stomach drops.  Could be the comforts of being "home" where I grew up I suppose...could be that the thought of going back scares me bc there are nothing but bad memories there and it's something I need to work through and push myself...OR it could just be ME and my voice inside saying that's not what I want but I'm not even listening to it.  I just don't know :smileysad: 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 11:30am

I will keep you posted, SS.  Thank you again for all of your advice!  That is very nice of you to take the time and I appreciate it :smileyhappy:

I'll update soon......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
I understand that you don't wish to be harsh, and there is no need for you to be. I would say something along the lines of "I know we've been dating and while things seem to be going well, I don't feel that staying married is the right thing for me. I'm so sorry, but I'm going to file for divorce, and my decision is final". What I said to my husband was "I don't like the way our marriage has been for the past few years, and I've decided to file for divorce."

Of course, your husband will probably protest, ask why, possibly beg you not to divorce him, to give him another chance, etc., and yes, that will be hard. You'll probably feel like the meanest woman alive, but that doesn't mean you're wrong. I cried after I told my husband, and so did he, but it didn't change the fact that I had made my decision and was sticking with it. In other words, it's ok to cry, feel sad, feel mean, whatever, but your decision is still the right one for you, and eventually for him too.

I do feel for you because even though we are the dumpers rather than the dumpees, that doesn't mean we feel fantastic about leaving our husbands. But still, since it's the right thing to do in order for all of us to be able to pursue happy lives and relationships, we kind of just need to push through it. Good luck & keep us posted please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 4:53pm

Honestly, I feel like the decision HAS already been made. I'm really just questioning HOW I am actually going to tell him.  I mean in his eyes, we've been dating for the past few months and things have been going well.  We've been enjoying each other's company and having fun.  He wants to move forward, have me move back in, so we can put all these new discoveries and findings he's made to work.  So to me, it's like how am I going to come out and say "hey- surprise, I'm not moving back and want a divorce."  Just like that?  Just seems so harsh.  But I guess no way I tell him or no situation is going to make it "better" for him.

I feel it's only right to tell him in person.  If I tell him I need to talk to him when I come over, he's going to know what it is, start asking a bunch of questions and eventually it's going to come out on the phone!  Just triying to have the best possible scenario.

I understand your feelings, stillstanding.  And again I appreciate you taking the time to share your story with me.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 2:55pm

You are right about that one?? I had a friend who kept complaining about her boyfriend who was married and he wouldnt leave his wife and house.. All she did was complain about him for three years.. I said either break up or stay with him and stop complaining to me. I cant take it anymore..

In the end I had to break off my friendship with her because I couldnt take her constant back and forth with this guy.

I have no idea what happened but I dont care.. I am done with that toxic situation doctors orders..

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Well, in all honesty, you could do nothing, stay in this limbo for another 9 months, or 9 years...just to keep from hurting him and to keep yourself from having to deal with him moving on with someone else, and to keep from having to make a decision because that decision is "hard".

It wasn't "easy" for me to tell my husband I was leaving him. But lucky for me, one of my friends gave me a kick in the butt. She told me (in a very loving way, if you can imagine it) that either I divorce my husband or I shut up and quit complaining. Because if all I did was complain yet refuse to do anything about the situation, she didn't want to hear it anymore.

Please don't take those words as literally coming from me...I think it's great that you are posting on here to discuss your thoughts and feelings. I'm just relating that story because it was what I needed at the time, and for me, my friend was 100% right. I filed for divorce the following week.

Also, I'm actually happy being unmarried. It's not like I'd just love to meet someone else and get married again, because I truly don't care about being married. In fact, I didn't want to get married the first time...my husband gave me an ultimatum ("marry me or we're breaking up"). So to say I'm "ruined" for marriage isn't really accurate, it's just not something I feel I want any time soon or possibly ever again.

Anyway...you just have to ask yourself, do you want the rest of your life to be exactly as it is now? Do you want to put him (and you) through this forever?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 9:40pm
Stillstanding- I know what you mean about the whole idea of your little "family" being gone. I don't have any children - just a dog- and just with him I feel bad. But the most important part is what you said, that it's not happy- just not right.

I'll be honest- what you said about being ruined about marrying again did freak me out a bit..lol. I know ur just being honest though and I appeeciate it. Im scared I'll feel the same way.

I am trying to think of the good. I know it's what's best for the both of us. I don't know what it's going to take for me to do the deed though. I'm thinking of it in my head and trying to plan it out but my head is a mess. I don't know what to do to push myself to do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
lb2011, to answer your question, no, I didn't feel bad when I imagined my ex-husband with a new wife. In fact, I was hoping he'd find someone because he told me when we split he'd never marry again because I'd "ruined" him. Well, he hasn't married again...but then, neither have I. I too may be "ruined" for marriage LOL. In fact, the idea gives me the heebie jeebies! But seriously, I did (and still do sometimes) feel bad that I no longer had a "family"...no more dad, mom and kid, just Dad and kid or Mom and kid. I had a nice little family and it's gone now. I do feel sadness for that, but that family wasn't a truly happy one. I could have sucked it up and stifled my unhappiness for the sake of staying together "for the kid" but I felt he didn't deserve a sham family...and kids are smart, they know when things just aren't right. Like another poster says often, it's better to be from a broken family than to live IN one.

Of course it's not going to be easy. It wasn't for me. Yes, I'd emotionally checked out long before I left (and yes, I left him, I moved out), but there's still the sadness that a marriage and family are over. But try to think of all you two will be gaining. You'll both be free to pursue a happy life, either with someone you want to be with or loving the single life. Carrying on because of guilt will not help either of you, please try to remember that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 5:00pm
I am very indecisive. I got a great tip from one of the relationship boards here - really designed for pre marriage - but after reading your thread, I thought it was worth suggesting, as it may assist you in making a decision. The tip was based on a book called "Date or Soulmate - how to know if your date is your soulmate in 2 dates". It has you make a list of 10 Must Haves and 10 Must NOT Haves! The book had a huge list to chose from. Qaulities and traits You absolutely MUST have in a LTR and also things you absolutely will not tolerate for the must not haves. These are qualities that the partner you are considering ALREADY has. I never could narrow my list down to the magic number - 10 each. So when my now husband proposed a future together after I had been through not only a divorce with 3 kids but also 2 LTR's - I decided to use this to be sure I was doing the right thing - even though my kids had all asked over the years why we had not married! So I checked my lists LOL, and I can honestly say that out of about there was only one he did not check off - but out of about 30 Must haves and must not haves he met the rest. It may be worth giving this book a try - it definately made things clearer for me. You can pick it up from amazon for very little $.

http://www.amazon.com/Date-Someone-Worth-Pursuing-Dates/dp/0785265392

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 11:21am

I understand that.  I hear that too and SEE it for myself...how painful and hard this is for him.  He truly is trying and hanging on to any little thing he can.  But I just can't continue to do to the both of us.  I actually heard somewhere that having your spouse go through ambivalence and not knowing where the relationship is going is a form of "abuse".  I don't know that I'd necessarily agree with using that particular word, but I can see how it can really effect the person.  

I think I just need to shift my thoughts of how much ending it is going to hurt him to how much being in THIS state is hurting him.  I need to see more of the "good" in it.  Easier said than done..lol

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

I was married for 4 years first time around.   I was only 20 when we tied the knot, and naturally I thought I knew everything.

There was one thing which prompted me to finally make a decision.  It was when he pointed out that my indecision about the future of the marriage was hurting him.   I realised that it was unfair to leave him in limbo and I made a decision to go then and there.    Turns out that that his comment wasn't designed to prompt me into leaving, but nonetheless, that was the end effect.

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