Separated after 25 years of marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Separated after 25 years of marriage
12
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 3:49pm

I'm 45 years old, my daughter is 15 and my husband is 50. We've been separated for 6 months now and in that time we've only tried to sit down 3 times to talk about our situation. Our communication is just terrible. We tried counseling but that was a waste of time. On my husbands part, he didn't put much effort into it. I felt I did. I tried inviting him to dinner to talk about things and he kept putting it off. This all started with him having 'good friend' and co-worker who is a female. We'll call her Dee. Now Dee would constantly be calling and texting my husband throughout the day. My husband and Dee had the same work schedule and would sometimes do things during the day with her children and my daughter. The way I would find out about these outings was from my daughter. One time, my husband left his phone on the counter Dee had sent him a text. Yes, I read it. She was telling him about her papsmear she had to get. She went into great detail which I felt was inappropriate. There were times when me and my husband would be watching TV and out of the blue he'd say, "I wonder what Dee is doing." or "I hope Dee's alright." We separated for about a week 2 years ago because of this and my husband promised he and Dee wouldn't communicate so much when he was at home. That only lasted for a little while. It started up again and I tried to put my foot down and told him the texting and the calls need to stop. I didn't trust Dee. She is the type of woman that tries to make 'good friends' with other married husbands in the past and at one time one of the wives confronted Dee and told her to stay away. I've never confronted her. My husband has left me because Dee has had cancer and all he's trying to do is be a good friend to her. I'm not sure if that's all the reason. I had let that emotional affair go on for too long without saying anything but I had to finally say stop. Well, now my husband has moved out. We tried talking about 2 weeks ago about our situation and I asked him if he still loves me. He told me at that moment he doesn't and that he's so angry with me. Is this how most men are when it comes to these type of situations? Is this a little extreme for him to move out because I said that Dee cannot call or text him anymore?  Should I have a talk with Dee to find out more information?  Afterall, she's the one I feel is pursuing my husband.  If Dee is such a 'good friend'  I don't understand why she doesn't tell my husband to forget about their friendship and go home to his wife and daughter.  Please let me know. I'm not sure I should move onto filing for a divorce just yet. I just feel in my heart that my husband is going to come around and realize he made a mistake by leaving me and his daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 5:51pm

Chilepine, Dee is way more than a friend to him.   And when you cornered him into making the "it's her or me" decision, he chose her.      Not that I see you had much choice - it was either this or letting the affair go on forever.

You say that it was extreme of him to move out, but you have to remember that the two of you have awful communication and that counselling didn't work for you.    Perhaps he was tired of all the communication problems and wanted out of the marriage anyway?   

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.  But given the problems in the marriage, perhaps it will be for the best in the long term.   You may even move on to discover what it's like to have a relationship where communication comes easily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 11:20pm

You should definitely not talk to Dee.  You aren't married to Dee & she really doesn't owe you anything.  Even if she did pursue your DH, he sure went willingly.  I feel like if a guy is happily married, a woman can throw herself at him and it won't make a difference because he will ignore it or won't act imappropriately.  He is obviously connected now to Dee in some way even if they haven't had a physical affair yet.  He told you he's not in love with you.  You could either wait for a while to see if this dies out or talk to a lawyer about divorce.  I think I'd talk to a lawyer anyway to find out about your rights--I hope your DH is giving you some money for child support & expenses because he should still be financially responsible for his DD.  If I was in the position that my DH moved out on me to be w/ another woman, I don't think I'd want him back anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 1:34am

Hello Musiclover12.... I was wondering about that.  If I should sit down and talk to Dee.  I'm not the type to attack her. I just want some answers. Am I blind to say that I don't know for sure if my husband is having a physical affair with his 'good friend'. I need proof.  I want answers.  I want to see it with my own eyes. I just want that validation so I could go on. I asked a couple of good friends if they thought my husband has slept with Dee.  They didn't hesitate to say YES.  I do plan to talk to an attorney just to find out my rights. Thank you again for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 11:29am

If I were Dee I certainly wouldn't agree to talk to you!  So do you think if she is actually having an affair w/ your DH that she would really tell you?  I assume she'd lie unless she's one of those vindictive type people who thinks that if she told you, then you'd divorce your DH so she could have him.  I think you'll be enlightened if you read up on some of the affair/betrayed spouse boards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 11:39am

Hi Musiclover12.... I know.  I guess I thought I could talk to Dee woman to woman. I'm not gonna go that route. I can honestly say that within the last couple of weeks I haven't been missing my husband much. There are times when I'm alone and my mind starts to wonder. It is getting easier.  I couldn't say that 3 months ago. Thank you so much for your reply again. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 11:53am
It's natural to want answers. Most people do. I do think it would be a bad idea to try to contact Dee. Often we cannot get all the answers we would like to have. I tend to agree with your friends, there is definitely something going on there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 5:57pm

Hi Khatru.  Thank you so much for your response. I feel in my gut that something is going on.  I just haven't gotten the proof. Sometimes I guess you don't need the proof.  If it looks like a duck.  Walks like a duck and sounds like a duck...well... that's true to that saying.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 6:05pm

Hello Kendahke1.  Thank you for your response.  I appreciate your advice. I'm taking a printout of your reply and others to remind myself that I do need to go on with my life.  Afterall, lifes too short and I'm 45, not 25.  Thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 7:41pm

He has given you all the proof you need: he left you.  Every minute you spend waiting for him to make up his mind is a minute in which he's controlling you.  Now it's time for you to take back control of your life and start doing things for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 4:41pm

Thank you for your reply Geoteo. I know I need to go on with my life. I appreciate your advice.