Seperated...thinking of trying once more
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Seperated...thinking of trying once more
| Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:43am |
Hello everyone, I could really, really use some advice on my situation. To fill you all in, I am married but seperated, and have been for 7 months now. He lives about 3 and a half hours from me and our 2 children, 4 and 2. We were together for 6 years, married for 2 at the end of this month. We have had quite a few difficulties in our relationship, from financial to my evil mother-in-law, to me leaving before...and we are both on our last thread of hope for this marriage. The reason I left was because we were living with his mom, and she is an alcoholic and I couldn't stand having my children in the house with her...we would argue when she started drinking(which was usually about 4 nights out of the week)...and the kids would witness this. My husband works nights, so he was never home to intervene...I tried to talk him into moving out, but he insisted that we could not financially afford to do so at the time, and so I finally told him that I was going to move out, and that he could come w/ me if he wanted to, or he could stay. Well, he stayed...but he now wants us to be together again, and says that he understands that we need to be on our own. When we were a family in our own home, we didn't have near the problems...but he is scared that I will leave again, and I am scared that he won't take my needs into account again...we've been talking quite a bit in the past months, and it is clear that we both have doubts, but that we both hope for the best...we are planning on taking a vacation together at the beginning of April, and our plan is to be on the lookout for a location that we would both like to live at, and to eventually move to a new location together...to start a "new" life...I am scared and excited at the same time...I have come back to my hometown and have gotten in contact with a lot of my old friends, and have really enjoyed being here, but I do not want to live here for the rest of my life either...and I know he is content with his friends and job in the town he lives in now...do you think we are doing the correct thing?? I want to do this, but I am concerned that perhaps we are living in a fantasy, and that perhaps we have tried too many times already...any input would be greatly appreciated...

No, this is not a fantasy. It is possible to work through differences, but it is necessary in your case to get good, professional trained help in doing this. There are complicated issues here, and patterns repeat themselves automatically. If the two of you want to make this work, and are committed to dealing with each other and the marriage in a mature way, that really needs to include getting a fine marriage counsellor to help you through the transition and teach you new ways of handling family and other trouble spots, as they appear.
It's always worth working on a relationship that is meaningful, especially when the two of you have two children together.
Very best wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
I can also tell you that living WITH anyone, ie his mother; is not an ideal long term situation. You are both grown ups and have your own family. You have been the women of the house and sharing that is not east. Living with a mother in law like the one you describe - is unacceptable. I dont blame you. Im sure that if you did NOT have children you would have been more willing and able to stick it out. You did the right thing.
It sounds like he is scared. Hes scared because you didnt back him up, and left. He scared of the financial responsabilies of being on your own. And who can blame him - its alot to shoulder. For anyone these days.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you love each other. It appears that he is a good, hard working man. He is under a lot of pressure to make it all work - the job, the home, the family. To provide food, shelter, etc. etc. It sounds like he wants to do the right thing and be with you and the kids and provide.
A little time together is a good thing. The communication is a good thing. To me it sounds like your both on the right track. Have you thought of a part-time job to supplement the income? I understand he works nights, but you can work out something...I did it with two kids - my ex worked nights... he just didnt get to spend the entire day in bed sleeping. You sacrifice - your bust your butt - you make it happen. You love each other??? You want to be together??? Then do it!!!!
Good luck to you and your family
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
As much as you want to make this work, your childrens well being should not be risked. I beleive children live what they learn and letting them grow up in that type of surrondings is not healthy...for them or you. I was raised with an alcoholic father and let me tell you, it wasnt fun...
Is he willing to move out, even if you dont find somewhere to live while on vacation?he needs to make a