Serious issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Serious issues
9
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:06pm

Ok, so maybe I should be in the betrayed spouses forum but I thought I would give it a go here. I have been married for 28 years to my high school sweetheart and we have 2 grown children. I found out almost 3 months ago that my husband had unprotected sex with a stripper in a stripclub. His story is that he had gone out with business associates and got very drunk, and ended up in the "VIP" room of the club and she performed oral and unprotected vaginal sex with him.

Now, he told me 1 week after this happened. To his credit he did tell me himself, he said he told me because it was killing him and he also did not want to expose me to any STD's. Of course this was devastating to me and I was and (am) still confused. He claims it was not about the sex but about "power and control". He has expressed remorse and at least in the beginning was very repentant over what he had done. Now he acts as though he just wants to pretend it never happened, forget it and move on. But I can't help but wonder if the shoe were on the other foot if he would be in a great place or if he would be sad and scared too?

We are Christians and so I am forgiving him, actually the night he told me I told him I was forgiving him. But it is hard. I have started individual counseling, he refuses to go stating he doesn't need it. But he is still traveling with his job and still drinking heavily. It seems we fight all the time anymore. Before this incident we rarely fought and I thought we had the "perfect" marriage. I have told him to give me time to heal and to process everything and that my trust has to be rebuilt but that seems to make him defensive and angry. He says I am a "downer" and "negative". I am trying so hard to remain upbeat, but I'm confused and scared. I would have never thought this would happen to me, to him, to US. I have only been to the counselor twice, and I'm hoping this will help me, but I feel as though I am adrift in a huge ocean of despair and confusion. If I even tell him of a problem I have at work, nothing to do with our marriage he says I am a whiner. I'm having to hold everything inside around him for fear of him getting sick of me complaining, maybe he will do it again or worse, get involved in an affair with another woman who is "not a downer". He says happiness is a choice. And I do believe that, but it's hard to be completely, blissfully happy when something like this is happening. I am so scared. Help me please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: lysgirl
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 2:34pm

Sometimes forgiveness needs to come with conditions to ensure that the mistake doesn't happen again.

Although in your heart you want to forgive him, you need to protect your emotional well-being and stand up for yourself. Demand that he attend counseling with you and stop drinking, or you will be allowing him to put himself in that situation again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: lysgirl
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 3:59pm

please continue on the path you have started with the counselor.

he has done nothing to give you the comfort, that you deserve, that he will not repeat this behavior of his.

i'm a huge fan of forgiveness, and the need to forgive to heal the heart. however, just because one forgives, does not mean they have to trust, especially when it is clear that trust is not deserved.

forgive and protect yourself until he does something (anything) that proves he deserves your trust. the other poster on this string, so far, gave you good ideas on how to go about re-building the trust that he distroyed. talk with your counselor to develop other ideas and ways to go about getting him to participate in that building - because you can't build it without him.




Edited 7/18/2007 4:24 pm ET by leavehimnow
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
In reply to: lysgirl
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 4:28pm

ugh, that's so terrible. he has the nerve to say you're a downer?! he f*cked some other woman! I don't care if you're drunk or whatever...that's no excuse. and yes, it's nice that he came clean about it, but that doesn't mean you should automatically be forgiving and happy again (which I'm sure he knows). that's a violation of you, the bond of your marriage and a breaker of trust. I think he really should go to a counseling session with you...at least just one. I think it would be easier for you to get past this if he was there to rebuild with you.

I'm a fan of forgiveness as well. I think it's nice that you are willing to see it through with him. it shows how much you love him. but take your time and heal at your own pace. You have every right to feel however you feel. he brought this on himself and he just has to deal with the fact that you're hurt and trying to wrap your head around the issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: lysgirl
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 8:00pm

Welcome to the board lysgirl,


Most couple's cannot heal the betrayal and rebuild trust without counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: lysgirl
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 9:51pm
Your husband is not acting very Christian and needs to do his part in repairing the problems in the marriage. It isn't just the trust but the drinking that he needs to take responsibility for. Does he think he has a drinking problem?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: lysgirl
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 10:56am
I think he knows he drinks too much, but he doesn't feel he is an alcoholic because he can and does sometimes go weeks for a time without anything to drink. He feels an "alcoholic" is someone to has to drink everyday and physically cannot go without it. I don't believe he is an alcoholic in the true sense either, but I DO BELIEVE he is a problem drinker, he doesn't feel he is a problem drinker. He thinks because he doesn't HAVE to drink it's not a problem. I am probably going to have to let him just hit rock bottom before he wakes up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
In reply to: lysgirl
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 11:47am

I understand what you're going through and saddened and sorry to hear that you have to deal with this.

I am going through a similar situation with my husband. We've been together for 14 years, married for 4. I'm 7 mo. pregnant, expecting our 1st child. Last year I found out he cheated on me - went to singles sites & craigslist looking for ow to have sex with. I suspected for 3 mo. before I took it upon myself to protect me and look for evidence. We both came back clean for all tests. He's admitted he has a problem & has been "clean" for about 8 mo - from singles websites & meeting other women but had been sporadically looking at porn. Last night I confronted him about my continuing suspicions - looking for other women on singles sites but not communicating with them. There are multiple stressors - his job & mine, money, the baby, added responsibilities, etc. I don't know if there's one specific trigger or if it's everything compounded but we're working on it together.

Until recently, we were in counseling every other week together. We opened the lines of frank communication, listening without interruption to the other person, and it seems to work. For the most part I've been able to forgive him but trust has been an issue due to his "addiction", lack of self esteem, lack of self love, stress, or whatever you want to classify it as. Supposedly he's happy with us and our life, scared of what's to come/no control over the baby and not enough at work, but he's always looking for bigger, better, faster, more. He isn't happy with who he is or where he's at in his own "development" and I don't know if he's ready to face his demons but he is aware of the consequences if he continues on this slippery path. We talked about that in depth last night.

Have you asked your husband what motivated him to do this?

Has he said yes to counseling jointly and by himself?

I told my husband that the counselor was a tool/means for unconvering what's really wrong and he'd only get as much out of it as he put in.

I've been concentrating on me, my well-being and checking up on him every once in a while.
Unfortunately, that's all you can do as you can't control his actions or thoughts, only your own. When I first discovered everything last fall, I fell into a deep depression, lost 40 lbs & had to go on medication along with the counseling. I did a lot of research, posting on the message boards and talked with 2 friends about what was happening; all of which helped.

I wish you all the best, that you get what you want out of the counseling and follow the best path for you to pursue in your marriage. For your sake, be glad that he told you - at least he felt guilty enough to come clean rather than you having suspicions that were confirmed and had to be dragged out of him, trust me that's much worse.

And, I suggest you read both books one of the other ladies posted. Another good book, very deep, and pertains to what I'm sure you're going through mentally is "The Power of Now". I can't think of the author but it will help you stay in the present rather than review every conversation, outing, business meeting or trip, cellphone call, etc.

I trust that with my relationship, what is meant to be will happen. I can only be by his side, support and forgive him, talk to him frankly, listen to him with an open heart, and pray for the best. Everything else is up to him.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lysgirl
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 12:15pm

Due to your husband's guilt (or possibly other reasons within him as well), he is behaving in an abusive manner to you. Calling you a whiner, a downer, etc., is his negativity and abusiveness towards you. He had a moment or two of confession and being so-called repentatnt, but he has truly not taken any responsibility for what has gone on. It is perfectly normal and natural for you to feel a lack of trust and distress about what happened. In order to re-build trust, he must be completely willing to communicate about this, be kind, be reassuring and help you to feel that the two of you together can get over this. The fact that he is still drinking heaviily and refuses to discuss what has happened shows that he has not even begun to handle what has gone on. Clearly, there's a lot inside of him that needs to be dealt with. And only he can be willing to stop and face himself and make true amends and growth within. Optimally, the two of you need to do counseling together. It seems as if he would not be available for this right now. I am glad you are in counseling. Make sure you have a really good, well trained professional therapist to help you handle the despair and also anger you must be feeling. You are not a whiner. You have every right to express your upset and to have it handled.


Everything changes, including individuals and relationships. Because the marriage was once beautiful and positive doesn't mean it is now. It takes two to work together to repair what happened. If he lapses into abusive behavior (blaming you, because he is unwilling to really face and handle what's going on with him), then you, too, must face reality and realize that there is never an excuse to accept abuse from anyone.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: lysgirl
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:55pm

Thank you so much for your lovely response--it's a strange journey isn't it? We have husbands who claim to love us (and I do believe my husband does) and yet can do this kind of thing. Crazy isn't it? I am hopeful that eventually my husband will elect to get counseling for himself. But I can't force him to. I do feel the counseling will help me in time. I will get the book you recommended because I do tend to find myself going back and reliving when he told me, how he looked etc. all the horrible details, I imagine what he did with this woman, etc., and I know that is not going to help me heal. I have to keep looking forward.

As to why he did it, he states it wasn't about the sex, more about power and money. He is a very powerful man in his job and he was out with business associates and I guess to hear him tell it, he was acting the big shot (and the fool!) and got drunk and well, the rest is history now. He has never done anything like this before, I do believe that, and I am hopeful that as remorseful as he is he won't do it again. But again, he is still traveling with his job and still drinking, so that is always in the back of my mind that it could happen again. I have asked him to think about his drinking and how insecure it makes me feel now that he has cheated, but he thinks he "can handle it". I hope in time he will either stop drinking or again realize he needs help. But I have made it clear that while I love him very much, I will not tolerate him f******g around and if it happens again I will leave him. Trust has to be the number 1 thing in a relationship and without that I cannot continue.

I admire your kindness and love you are showing to your husband. He is lucky to have someone as supportive as you are. He should count his blessings everyday. Take care and I will pray for you and your family.