Seriously Insecure
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| Sat, 06-26-2004 - 9:35am |
Today, I cannot even put into words the emptiness I am feeling.
~ It started somewhere shortly after we tied the knot, or just before (not sure anymore)... a comment here, a suggestion there, lots of Adam & Eve idealisms relating to exactly where a woman's place is. (Where the man says she should be) At first, it was kind of cute - I was a rather headstrong little lady anyway and always up for a good argument (and country temper to boot).
~ I had two miscarriages, one about three weeks before we married - when I called to tell him I "needed to talk about something face to face - ASAP", he knew I had bloodwork in recently and jumped to the conclusion that I had to tell him I had cheated and caught a disease - WHEN IN FACT, I had miscarried and didn't want to alarm him before he drove 6 hours to get there. The second loss wasn't any prettier. I fell into a deep depression, couldn't tend the house, walk out the front door, open the blinds. It was then that I learned how unacceptable that was, and to what extent the place should be condemned and how badly I needed to get my head out of my arsh.
~ After I got over that and rec'd my HS Equivalency scores I was rather proud, ready to push on to college after waiting so long. There were comparisons made - he had done so well in school he graduated early, his IQ was higher than those he worked with/than mine, I wasn't reading the scores right 98% in science wasn't high enough...ect. But let's wait and take college courses together.. WHY???
Those things, just to name a few. Having a job is out of the question. When I mention a night/evening job he goes solmn, doesn't speak or nearly whispers "approval" - it's in a way that makes me want to throw my hands in the air and walk away.
~ I only go to the grocery and straight home - recently took the long way home (3 miles) without telling him I planned to... then slipped and mentioned it later - startled, he looked at me and exclaimed "WHEN??"
~ I don't look people in the eye anymore, or give random smiles. (it's called flirting)
~ I have taken all three kids to MY physical appointments because he "forgot", or "couldn't make it"
~ Recently invested in Fix-o-Dent because we couldn't afford the dental copay.
One good thing I can say is that he attended a counseling session with me two or three years ago. He loved it at first because the doc was harping on my weak points (mainly temper), but got up and stood by the door when topic turned to him. He refuses to ever go again, or if I mention it says "set it up", then gives a good reason (the day of the appt) not to go.
The more I think about it, the more I want to strike it off as my imagination. Please tell me I am being paranoid. Please?

Seriously, what are your options?
I agree with what you said (which is why I posted)... but is there a chance that it only SEEMS to be that way? Sorry, but I cannot think of a good argument to support that chance.
Options? Let's see... I can't get him to sit and have a discussion - tried that and he assumed defense mode; arms crossed, standing across the room, and counteracting every statement I made that started with "I feel...". Also brought attention to that response and we didn't speak for a while. I've mentioned how "I really miss the times we finished evening chores together." Always see him home from work and ask how his day was (and listen), if I have a bad day he will cook - but leave the mess, often he just plants himself on the couch to hold it down while I finish out the day with the kids... could go on and on. The other day he offered a new hobby for me - making lures for him and to sell. This, on the same day I suggested we re-evaluate our routines for improvement.
Leave? But I love him! The kids would miss him! He isn't violent and no one would believe me... I've no money, no way to get a job and hold the housework up.
I'm confused, unable to concentrate... and a little voice in the back of my mind keep asking "What are you thinking?"