Seriously! Really?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Seriously! Really?
16
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 9:29am

Hi all, I've posted here quite a few times now about my relationship problems. Well me and my partner ended things, as we were just constantly arguing, I ended the relationship Wednesday, over the days, he's been just like he used to! Texting me lovely things, looking at me in an all loved up way when he came to get our daughter, really started to have the butterflies coming back! I've always loved him, I just gave him space and left him alone, so he could finally work out what it is he wanted. 

So last night, he's texting me, wanting me back, which admittedly I wanted him back to after having time apart and to reflect, I then find out, that as he was texting me, he was on the lovely social network Fbk, chatting up other girls, and got in contact with an ex of his from when they were 15, giving his number to her.

i don't know what to do, I'm hurt. 

Any of you ladies or men, can tell me why he did this? I can't make it out. 

Does it mean that he really doesn't give two hoots about me and the relationship? I mean, speaking to men and handing out my number is the furthest thing from my mind! Please be kind with words as I am feeling fragile to say the least. 

thank you all 

Gem x 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 11:06am

A lot of men just don't like the fact that you were the one who ended it--now that he was rejected, he'll do everything to get you back but once he has you back it doesn't mean he will change his behavior--and he's texting or trying to meet other women just in case.  This is a sign of a man who just doesn't want to be alone for a minute--so if you won't take him back, then he needs a backup plan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 11:33am

Thank you for your reply, it makes perfect sense 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 1:12pm

What he's doing is typical a-hole man!  You hurt his ego by getting him out of your life.  It has nothing to do with his "love" for you.......it's his love for himself that's been shattered.  And of course, he's finding replacements for you as you sit there wondering.  It's unfortunate that you have a daughter together because that means you can't cut him out of your life totally.  What you can do is understand that no matter how much you "love" him (or think you do), the only person HE loves is himself, or more correctly, the only person he THINKS about is himself, he doesn't really love himself.  My ex husband was a cheating alcoholic.  I put up with him for almost 20 years because I kept telling myself I loved him.  One day I had an epiphany, he tried to start a fight with me (his usual way of getting "out" on a weekend) and I realized I didn't care if he ever came back.  I told him not to bother coming back, and he laughed.  Sunday he rolled in, and I had his belongings all in garbage bags, and told him to take them and go.  Again, he laughed, saying we'd starve to death without him (I'd been a SAHM for all my marriage, because he didn't want me out there......I might talk to a man!)  I went out the next day and got a job, and that was it.  A year later, the day before court, he came to me and BEGGED, he cried, he promised the moon......he LOVED me and the boys.  I just laughed at him, and told him he had a strange way of showing it.  No child support, and living with various bimbos since I threw him out.  When he finally got it that I did NOT want him back, and that I was going to court in the morning......he stopped whining, he said "well, if that's the way you feel, then I'm getting married next month!"  ??????  I thought that was his last ditch effort to get me to take him back, but I just said "do whatever you want to, your life is of no concern to me".  He did, he got married even before our divorce was final!  And ha ha ha, she divorced him too.  All I can say is that I thought I loved him, but it didn't take long for me to realize it was fear, not love.  Once I knew I could take care of my family, I realized what a loser he was.  When I walked out of the courtroom, it was like a huge weight was lifted off me, and I never regretted it for one minute.  Lucky you, if you're not married to him, unless you live in a common law state, you can just get rid of him......but you'll need a lawyer to set up child support.  He'll promise you the moon now, but you'll soon find out it was a very dim light bulb......that will burn out quickly.  Be strong, and be your own woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 2:02pm

I'm not sure how long this separation has lasted but a few days is not long enough.  In the separation perod, you need to decide what's best for you and your daughter.  Don't worry about what he's doing because it's not helping you move on and he knows that and he's using it to his advantage.  You can't change anybody into what you want them to be, no matter how much you care or love them.  They must be willing to do it for themselves.  It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you.  He's just not ready.  How long you gonna wait?  It's not fair to you either.  Don't put your feelings on hold that can be meant for someone else who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 2:22pm

Thank you for your replies everyone, the thing is my family live abroad, I'm feeling totally alone, so I turned to his mum for help said that I have no one to turn to, told her what he did by handing his number out to his ex, on facebook, the reply I got back was "I'm confused, I thought you had split up,  he probably went to his ex for advice " etc etc. he can't do no wrong in her eyes :( I'm feeling lonely, he can do whatever he wants to me and no one can see it :( I feel so sick, you know that stomach in knots kind of sick :( 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 2:26pm

I agree that it is about his ego, it stung him that you broke it off with him. So now he's trying to get you back on the hook, so that he can be the one that does the breaking up. Meanwhile he is lining up some other girls so he has a new one to go to.

You are not interested in trying to meet new men yet because you are grieving the end of the relationship. He checked out of the relationship emotionally some time ago, as you can probably see in retrospect when you look at his behavior of the past few months, so he doesn't need time to grieve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 3:12pm

Well as soon as I found out and told him I knew what he'd done, he came around to my house say 10 minutes later, saying he was being stupid, that he's a D Head and that's all he wants is me And he didn't know why he did it. . I'm finding that very hard to believe, as his actions have said otherwise. I'm not going to lie guys, my heads a mess with this one. How on one hand, can he say that's all he wants is me, but do something like that. I feel like my whole relationship has been one big joke to him. 3 years we were together, and he can just do that, like it's nothing, and all the while, he was texting me saying he was feeling lost, he was messaging these girls minutes after texting me, I'm a bit shocked with it I think, I haven't cried, nothing, I just feel, numb

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 3:33pm

His mother could be right.  I'm friends with my exes and I have male friends that ask me questions about advice on women.  Men do that also when they trust another womans judgement on things.  It seems like a miscommunication problem the two of you are having.  You said there's always arguing.  Maybe go see a mediator or counselor that deals with couples.  He can still care about you and do stupid things. Some people have a hard time conveying their feelings to others, verbally and non verbal.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 3:44pm

The thing is this ex of his, he hasn't seen, nor spoken to her since they were 15, a few months ago, we found out that she's been fishing around asking people how he is, if he's still with me. . Messaging his sister about him. . . We talked about it and he said it was weird that his ex is doing that! So now, it's funny, as soon as he gets chance, he's got hold of her, not only that, gave her his number, I suggested couples counselling to him and he said he won't do it, as the counsellor  will tell me to get rid of him, so I've tried asking him for that and he just doesn't want to :( ahhhh I feel sick just thinking about what he did :( 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 4:05pm

So boosting his ego is important than maintaining your own? You gonna make the decision on your own on this relationship. If you trust him and he respects you, then stay.  If both of those things are not there, you have no relationship. You see and hear things he's doing and you giving him a way out.  Enabling him to continue this behavior is wrong.  

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