Seriously! Really?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Seriously! Really?
16
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 9:29am

Hi all, I've posted here quite a few times now about my relationship problems. Well me and my partner ended things, as we were just constantly arguing, I ended the relationship Wednesday, over the days, he's been just like he used to! Texting me lovely things, looking at me in an all loved up way when he came to get our daughter, really started to have the butterflies coming back! I've always loved him, I just gave him space and left him alone, so he could finally work out what it is he wanted. 

So last night, he's texting me, wanting me back, which admittedly I wanted him back to after having time apart and to reflect, I then find out, that as he was texting me, he was on the lovely social network Fbk, chatting up other girls, and got in contact with an ex of his from when they were 15, giving his number to her.

i don't know what to do, I'm hurt. 

Any of you ladies or men, can tell me why he did this? I can't make it out. 

Does it mean that he really doesn't give two hoots about me and the relationship? I mean, speaking to men and handing out my number is the furthest thing from my mind! Please be kind with words as I am feeling fragile to say the least. 

thank you all 

Gem x 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 5:42am

Thank you Fissatore, 

he he wasn't my Carer first. We met and two years later, he went on to carers allowance, he's now off it and working. 

I have an update on what's been happening over the weekend! 

I ended it, it but he won't accept it. It's so strange. He walks in like I never said anything? Im finding it hard to get over what he's done! 

This is giving his ex his number has hurt me, . . .  Anyway, sunday night, we were having a talk, some thing we haven't done in a long time. . Talking just like we used to.

I went in to the kitchen whilst he was watching the television. I went in to the kitchen to play on draw something (I'm addicted)! Haha

his phone was on charge next to me, I heard it go off but just dismissed it. . . 5 minutes later, I look at his phone, and there was a message with no name, just the number, with the words "why are you doing this!!!!?!" Nothing else, just those words.

now I lost my cool :( because from that message, it looks as if they've been talking? (Texting) what do you think?  I honestly feel like a bloody fool! 

He obviously says that they haven't, and that was the very first message from her

ahh guys, my head :( 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 04-20-2014 - 11:29am

I just realized who you are!  This man isn't worth 5 minutes of your time ever again.  You once called him your "caregiver".....and that's a joke in itself.  I hope he wasn't a PAID caregiver that turned into a "romance".......because if he was being paid, make sure that gets cut off immediately.  You have serious physical problems, that really can't be helped medically.  It's unfortunately something you need to learn to live with.  I'm sure mental and emotional stress play a big part in your RA, and you've now been with two men in a row who use you, mentally and emotionally abuse you, get you pregnant, and treat you like a dog.  Wales is not that far from the UK......even if your family is gone from there, you must have friends or extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) that could help get back, and settled in. 

These two men have beaten you down mentally until you have no self confidence or self esteem left.  You MUST work on yourself before you even think about another man in your life.  Right now, you will only attract more of the same......misery and being used.  You have a daughter to raise, and i'm sure there is government help for you as a disabled person.  Go back home to the UK and find out where and how you can get help......and work on yourself so that you will never accept anyone into your life that will use you or abuse you.  Today is Easter.........it's the sign of a new beginning......take that sign and make it a new beginning for you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Sun, 04-20-2014 - 5:02am

Thank you for your comments everyone, I'm from the uk, I'm in Wales, :) my family moved abroad last year. 

I apologised  to his mum, saying I shouldn't take my problems to her.

i know, I need to let go now. Otherwise this is going to keep happening again and again to me by him, your right, I did try to love more and give more, the more I have, the less I got not even a cuddle, wouldn't even touch me, feel like I'm the one being punished, even though I haven't done anything wrong to him? It's so bizarre! You don't know how much I appreciate all of your feedback, I'm really going through a tough time, I'm still recovering from an operation on my foot, so I'm feeling a little  isolated at the moment. I need to get strong! I forgot to mention when I confronted him about messaging his ex and other girls, I asked him "why"? He said because he can't be alone, I mean, what the heck is that supposed to mean? That he's with me, purely because he just doesn't like being alone. It's desperate I think. Me, I can be alone and not feel the need to get straight on to social networking sites and start hitting on every man that I see! Buy that's just me! Lol :) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 04-20-2014 - 1:34am

Don't take your problems to his mother. She should not get dragged into your relationship issues, and it puts her in a tough spot to take sides against her son.

If this was a one-off thing we might say to give him another chance; but after weeks of hearing about his bad behavior it seems like the lack of respect for you is the real him. I'd guess that he likes parts of your relationship, like you taking care of him. But relationships have to work both ways, he has to be willing to do what you need too, and lately he would not do that. The texting other women is just the latest in a string of behaviors that don't fit with a commited relationship. Even if he says tomorrow that he wants to get back together, remember how he has been acting for weeks because actions speak louder than words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 11:20pm

You're not a "mug".........you're a woman, and you keep thinking that if only you were nicer to him, or if only, if only, if only.   It's one thing to be nice, and to be understanding, it's another thing to allow him to do this to you, and you still consider taking him back.  If he really wanted to be back, he would go to counseling with you.  He will come back on HIS terms, and after a day or two or three, he will go back to being his same abusive self.  It's sad that you're from abroad, and that's partially the reason he treats you so badly, because he feels you have nowhere to go!  Whatever country you're from, check around and I will bet there is a social society from that country.  You can find friends from your own country, and they can help you in many ways, give you the name of a good attorney, advise you where to get financial help if you need it, and just be someone you can talk to, and not feel so alone.  What you think is love is really fear of being alone.  Never mind his mother, find someone you can talk to and confide in....a good FRIEND.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 4:14pm

There's no trust on my part, does he respect me, no he doesn't, obviously :( I'm no good at being hard lol, I'm the person who wears their heart on their sleeve you know, i know I'm to blame, I keep taking him back, your right as this must say to him, that he can do whatever he wants  to me really, I'm a mug 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 4:05pm

So boosting his ego is important than maintaining your own? You gonna make the decision on your own on this relationship. If you trust him and he respects you, then stay.  If both of those things are not there, you have no relationship. You see and hear things he's doing and you giving him a way out.  Enabling him to continue this behavior is wrong.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 3:44pm

The thing is this ex of his, he hasn't seen, nor spoken to her since they were 15, a few months ago, we found out that she's been fishing around asking people how he is, if he's still with me. . Messaging his sister about him. . . We talked about it and he said it was weird that his ex is doing that! So now, it's funny, as soon as he gets chance, he's got hold of her, not only that, gave her his number, I suggested couples counselling to him and he said he won't do it, as the counsellor  will tell me to get rid of him, so I've tried asking him for that and he just doesn't want to :( ahhhh I feel sick just thinking about what he did :( 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 3:33pm

His mother could be right.  I'm friends with my exes and I have male friends that ask me questions about advice on women.  Men do that also when they trust another womans judgement on things.  It seems like a miscommunication problem the two of you are having.  You said there's always arguing.  Maybe go see a mediator or counselor that deals with couples.  He can still care about you and do stupid things. Some people have a hard time conveying their feelings to others, verbally and non verbal.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 3:12pm

Well as soon as I found out and told him I knew what he'd done, he came around to my house say 10 minutes later, saying he was being stupid, that he's a D Head and that's all he wants is me And he didn't know why he did it. . I'm finding that very hard to believe, as his actions have said otherwise. I'm not going to lie guys, my heads a mess with this one. How on one hand, can he say that's all he wants is me, but do something like that. I feel like my whole relationship has been one big joke to him. 3 years we were together, and he can just do that, like it's nothing, and all the while, he was texting me saying he was feeling lost, he was messaging these girls minutes after texting me, I'm a bit shocked with it I think, I haven't cried, nothing, I just feel, numb

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