Seriously?? SERIOUSLY??What next??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Seriously?? SERIOUSLY??What next??
4
Wed, 08-20-2014 - 10:13pm

Tomorrow will be my tenth anniversary. We dated for two years before we married. We had a wonderful life together throughout our courtship and the first four years of our marriage was wonderful. We had a VERY active sex life so I was blind-sided to say the least when four years in I found out he was having an affair. We had worked very hard to save the marriage after I found out. Therapy and so on... I made him totally accountable for what he did and he had ( and still is ) working very hard to save our relationship. We did couensling for three years after I found out. We did individual sessions and couples. So, about two years ago he starts looking at porn. As long as it was a rare occurance I really was not alarmed. But it became an everynight thing. After the affair our sex life suffered for quite awhile ( as to be expected ) but eventually went back to normal...in some ways even better. I have always been shy when it comes to sex and in the last fews years kinda got over that and if anything I am more wild then ever...or was :(  he went back into therapy over the constant porn issue. He has always had a very, VERY high sex drive. A short while back it come out in therapy that as a very small child ( between the age of two until ten or so ) that his father would tell his mother he was taking my husband "fishing". Instead my husband would sit outside winter,spring summer and fall for hours on end in the car while his dad sat in a strip joint. If he was lucky his dad might remember to bring him a pop to drink. My husband said very often some of the girls would bring guys out the back door and have sex with them outside the car ( once it happened right on the hood of the car ) while he could see/hear everything.Once when he got out of the car to urinate he saw a man having sex with someone behind a car...and realized it was his dad. If that wasnt enough to mess up a kids head his uncle started sexually abusing him when he was six and it continued until he was 11 ( his uncle died ). My husband has a very cold family...no hugs...no " I love you's"...no talking. He once told me he had no one to go to...no one to tell when he was little.

Well, my husband is still in therapy. Two days ago they asked me to join a session because he wanted to share something. Long story short...my husband told me that he sexually abused his two of his three sisters from the time he was around ten till he was fifteen. He has two sisters a few year older and one younger. It involved touching and looking and him masturbating. I am sickened. I am repulsed. I am shocked and confused.

My husband is a hard worker. People love him..he helps the neighbors when needed ( we farm ). He has never hit me. He never has even called me a name like "stupid" when we argue. Since the affair he has done everything asked of him to make things right...right down to the day I said the porn had become an issue and he stopped and started therapy. He does not drink...does not go to bars. Is very financially responsive.

Please realize if some ( or all ) of what I am writing makes no sense it is because I just fount out like 48 hours ago and I am shocked. I dont know what I should be feeling...or what I should be doing. I am so confused...all three of his sisters have never ever acted as though anything was out of the norm for them concerning their brother...they laugh, joke and come around. Invite us over to their house and cabin in the summer. And while they are def. not mushy, mushy emotional people as I said...when My husband had surgery they would call to see how he was. Do I leave him? Do I continue with my marriage??  I love my husband. I know my husband loves me...but will my love change now..or just leave. I am so sad and confused. :(

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 08-20-2014 - 11:12pm

First give it time.  2nd take it with a grain of salt(block) this is 2014 that was a different time ago.  It is not that unusual for sibling to  misremember exactly went on and with therapy he might be very hard on himself.  It is very common for people who are  new to the world of psyhchotherapy to over and harshly define themselves. 

   The is not a matter of should.  This is a matter of deciding for your self.    Take time to process this information.   From what you have written you have a good man there and  a keeper.  He trusted you with his history you must feel very proud for him to share that with you.   You do not get that level of trust often if at all.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 08-21-2014 - 12:11am

Your love will only change if you want it to change, or you let it change.  WHY in the world would that therapist call you in for that?  His telling the therapist should have been enough!  That poor guy had a messed up childhood.....and it's no wonder they're not a "mushy" family, but that was then and this is now.  His sisters either weren't affected by it, or they've forgotten it, or dealt with it and seem to hold no grudge against your husband.  I'd for sure never go back to that therapist......forcing him to tell you accomplished nothing but upsetting you.  As long as it was that many years ago, and it didn't continue......then it should have been dealt with by him and that therapist......WITHOUT you being involved.  You never mentioned......do you have children?  It doesn't sound like it.  So, if you love your husband, and you say you do......then what he did as a child was certainly caused by what his father did to him and in front of him.  As long as he's working on it with a therapist, that means he's TRYING to put it in the past where it belongs, and you need to be patient with him.  You two have been thru a lot, but he has been thru a lot more......cut him some slack.  Is his father still alive, if so HE is the one your husband should be bringing into his therapy, not you.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 08-21-2014 - 2:09pm

First of all, not to say it was ok that it happened, or that it was normal teen experimentation, but I think a certain amount of that kind of thing goes on, probably more than people realize. Again I wouldn't call it normal or average but I would guess its there all the time to some extent. Does not sound like it involved anything close to rape or the like. From what you have said, it seems at least one sibling involved was older and possibly what went on could be construed as a mutual situation and not abuse per say.

As the others have said, it happened a long time ago, and everyone has apparently moved on from it and left it in the past. I don't think it has any bearing on your marriage now as in because you now know this, you can't be with him anymore. He has been willing to work on all the problem areas between him and you and otherwise seems like a great guy. Some things are best left buried and it is not helping anyone at all to have this info leaked outside of the patient and therapist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 08-22-2014 - 12:25pm

Your H has a lot of baggage from the things that happened to him as a young child. Those type of experiences can certainly skew the way someone views sex and relationships. I believe that one result can be hyper-sexualization. The sibling abuse may have been closer to incest, not normal but possibly the girls were also abused by an adult and all of the kids had a warped view of what's a normal sexual relationship. If that was the case then its understandable that all of them have compartmentalized their emotions regarding that activity and it doesn't affect their social interactions.

Anyway your H may feel like he needs to expose all of the secrets from his past in order to heal from the guilt and shame, and to develop a more balanced sexuality. Maybe he needs to know that you will still love and accept him with all of these experiences. So I don't agree that you should not have been told, but maybe it could have been done differently so it wasn't such a shock. At least he told you about the sisters with the therapist present.

I think the next step would be more sessions with the therapist. You need to know if there are any more secrets to be revealed. You need to know how the experiences affected your H and what it might take for him to heal. Then when you know what you are really dealing with you can decide if you can handle all of this. You are understandably shocked at the incest revelation but it seems to be something that ended 15 or 20 years ago and since he was a kid when it happened I would try to not hold it against him now.

You would probably benefit from your own therapy sessions to help you work through all of this. Your H sounds to be a good man who wants to work through his issues, and you love each other. Those two things are in the foundation of moving forward.