Seriously Unhappy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Seriously Unhappy
7
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 10:05pm
My husband and I got married only 3 months ago and divorce already seems like an option for us. We are under a lot of stress each dealing with seperate custody issues with our ex's, so this is not helping. I have since gotten on medication to help with depression. I can say that it has helped a lot and given me more patience with my husband. He refuses to see that he needs help too. He gets so angry all the time. Just flies off the handle about the dumbest things. I find myself looking at him with this blank stare thinking to myself "is he seriosly getting this mad over hamburger buns"? Like something out of a movie. For the record, his dad is just like this and was put on medication for his anger, but surprise, surprise, he refuses to take it. This is only part one of our problems. The other thing is our sex life, or lack there of. I have absolutely zero desire to have sex. None. I don't know what the problem is. The medcation? Stress? The fact that he's being a jerk and only nice when he want's some? Hmmm, I think I just answered my own question. Anyway, I love my husband and want things to work out, but I just seem so dispensable to him. He's always right there to tell me that I'm free to leave if I don't like how he is. I don't understand. How can he treat me this way and love me at the same time. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:01pm

Welcome to the board i_crystal22,


Try talking to him when he's calm. Take him for a walk away from the house....and ask him if he really means what he said about you being free to leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 4:11pm

Welcome to the board i_crystal22,


It could be your medication that is causing your lack of interest in sex. Well, that and your husband's behavior. Talk to your doctor and see if that is one of that side effects. Ask your husband to go to marriage counseling with you or go by yourself. Would your husband be open to talking to someone about his anger issues?

Coltaramyspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 5:31pm
It might help if you resolve not to make any big decisions right now. It sounds like you are both under a lot of pressure, you are on medication, and you just got married. Your lives are chaotic. Maybe a bit of time would be helpful. Once you are over the immediate custody issues with the exs and you've had a chance to see what life is like when things are calmer, you will have a better idea of what you are really dealing with.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:30am
Ok, so here's the kicker.....I'm pregnant! That's enough to bring your sex drive down! I think I am going to go to counseling though. I just can't deal with him being so cold and distant all the time. It makes me feel so unloved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:28pm
I hate to say this but playing the "leaving/divorce" card, so early on is deadly! It is like Pandora's Box....
Were you depressed before you got married? How long were you two together before marrying??
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 2:12pm

Sexual desire often disappears when there are issues in a relationship and especially upset and unhappiness. Obviously your husband needs help with his anger problem and unless he is willing to face that he has a problem and deal with it, it will almost impossible to work issues through. Did all of this difficulty only just appear when you two got married? Did you have signs of it before? Clearly, it's really important that the two of you get to a good marriage counselor and give yourselves a chance to work things through. Professional help seems needed now.


If he is not willing to work on things at all, then get yourself a good therapist, so you'll have the clarity, strength and support in dealing with this painful situation and making healthy choices for yourself.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 2:55pm
Well, our situation sounds quite similiar except I don't have kids and I haven't been married before. I sometimes do wonder if some of his issues are stemming from his previous relationship but that is another discussion...I can only speculate that the lack of sex desire is coming from your relationship stress. My therapist explained that if I don't feel close to my husband why would I want to have sex with him? I didn't need to spend $$$ to know that but apparently my husband did. But now of course, he uses that as an excuse to bring up the fact that we don't have sex all that often. He'll say, "Oh, can we have sex tonight? Or did I make you feel like crap?" I do know that I, and I assume you, got married for a reason and divorce is probaly not that reason, short of infidelity or abuse, but I too feel like the big "D" may be it. Your husband sounds as angry and unhappy as mine. I think they are just unhappy people. Mine kept saying while we were dating, "if we just get married I'll be happier." Of course I knew that wasn't true but I really did think once we got married, had our house & a large piece of land (& we live at the beach! you would think he'd have a lot to be happy for), started our business, paid off some debt, etc., etc. then he would be somewhat more happy. I do believe that when a man is unhappy he stays unhappy and gets angry from being unhappy. How is your husband's work life? If that is a problem for him then he'll be unhappy for a while. This from my therapist of course! He says if a man is unhappy with his work then most of the other aspects in his life will fall apart. Same is true for women - if we are unhappy in our marriage then the rest of our life is chaotic. I do have one more "answer/comment" for you: I too ask my husband if he is so unhappy then why doesn't he leave? Or I tell him if he doesn't like whatever it is that has made him so unhappy, then he can change it. He doesn't do either. That's apathy to me. I'm not siding with your husband by any means, just letting you know it isn't just your marriage. I feel sometimes as if I may be becoming apathetic. I hope I lent some sort of advice/shoulder. Maybe someone will shed some light for us...