Sex after an On-line affair...
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| Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:12pm |
Back Story:
I caught my wife of 7 years (10 yrs together) having an affair with a guy she met on POGO. (EA Sports gaming site www.pogo.com) They met in early Dec 2006 and the "friendship" started off very flirty and developed into a full cyber-affair shortly after New Years'. I caught them but snooping and setting her MSN Messenger to save the chat on Jan.25th. I confronted her the next day and she has stopped.
She does not believe she did anything wrong but having adult sexual conversations with a married man on-line. She does not see the cyber-affair as an affair at all. She thinks I am blowing this out of proportion and over reacting.
It has been 2 months since the CA ended. We have had sex 5 times since Feb 12th. All of those times were more because I wanted it. She has "not been in the mood" for 2 weeks now. No explaination, just not in the mood.
She hasn't admitted that what she did was even infidelity. I think if she does it may break her emotionally.
I have always had the higher sex drive in the relationship and we have had low times sexually before. We have been sexless (less that 10 times a year) before...for almost 3 yrs after the birth of our daughter. But the last year has been great all around...sexually, closeness, family time, and individual time.
While she was building up her CA (Dec. 2006 and Jan. 2007) and durning the last 2-3 week period that the chat became heavyly sexual she was "in the mood" 3-4 (or more) times a week. She never masturbated while having the sex chat, but I got to take advantage of her after getting revved up and the few times I was asleep or too tired she took care of herself. Little did I know back then that someone else was getting her revved up...
We have discussed this and she tells me she wants me sexually, that I am the one who has always gotten her off and that she loves me. She cannot explain why she isn't in the mood. She also has told me the bigger issue I make of this the worse it gets. I try to not talk about it but when you want that intimacy constantly is is fustrating to be turned down night after night.
I just ordered this book:
http://www.simonsays.com/content/book.cfm?tab=25&pid=415638&agid=2
Hope it helps. Any more advice for those who have been down this road?
TY in advance.

Welcome to the board hammerheadlrrp,
In order for your wife to have had the cyber affair, she must have felt there was something missing from your marriage and she was searching for it from other people. Is she willing to admit to this or do you have any idea what it could be?
It appears that you might have different values since she doesn't view this as an affair. Would she feel the same way if you had been the one having the cyber affair?
Are you going to be able to forgive her for the affair?
glitter-graphics.com
Hi and welcome to the board hammerheadlrrp,
If the roles were reversed how would she feel if you had done what she's done?
You might get some great insight at Cyber-Cheating & Emotional Affairs
When I discovered the CA and came to her with it. I aksed her all the "I" questions...
What did I do to drive her to this?
What am I not doing as a husband, lover, father or friend?
What can I do to chnage and improve our marriage?
She was very straight up with me and told me I didn't do anything and it had nothing to do with me. The CA strarted out with chit chat while playing games on Pogo. It progressed to sexual innuendos and then flirting ...which then progressed to Sex chat. She said she never touched herself during the chats...but I know that afterwards she would come to me for sex or masturbate if I was asleep aready. She admitted she liked the attention and that is was just fun...she said she has no feeling for the guy and the words "didn't mean anything" ...they were text on a computer.
Yes our values/views on this are very different. She admitted that she knew I would not approve and that is why she snuck around behind my back to do it. She figured since it was only text on a computer and she wasn't in physical contact with him then there is no harm. She has come to realize the damage she has caused...to me, to our marriage and our family. When our 5 yr old daughter can tell you what you are fighting about.... and I quote my daughter.
"You and Mommy are fighting because she was talking to her friend and it is going to end your marriage."
She apologized for her actions having caused me to go to counseling. I think she has been crying because she now realizes that is isn't just going to go away and that the damage is far more than she ever thought.
I told her over 2 weeks ago that I was not comfortable with her still having so much contact with her "on-line friend". She didn't say anything other than ..."I know." But she has little to no contact with him other than the odd joke he as e-mailed her. I have prepared an e-mail to him telling him that he needs to disappear and stop all contact with my wife.
Is your wife willing to go to marriage counseling with you to work on this? Also, I don't think it is good that your five years old knows so much about your fighting. You must be careful not to expose her to too much this. Kids pick up on a lot more that people realize.
I agree with your wife. What is did she not your fault. It was because of things going on with her. However, it is important that she understands why she felt she needed the ca and that she talks to you about ways to fix things.
glitter-graphics.com
I have a counseling session mext week. I am going to see what my counselor thinks about working with both of us. Or maybe my wife separately first then both of us.
I don't think she actually knows why she persued the CA. Other than she liked the attention she was getting for her "on-line friend". I fully admit that I got complaicent and had taken my wife for granted...and she me. Now I am giving her more attention...trying to do more things for her and with her.
As for my daughter we have made sure that we do not agrue in front of her or discuss too much while she is around. We have also let her know that she can come to us and talk about anything. We make sure we keep the discussion age appropriate and somethings we tell her that it is grown up stuff.