sex and money (and age)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
sex and money (and age)
23
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 2:16am
Hello All,

This is my first time using IVillage so here it goes. I did not sleep with anyone before I was married. Now my husband and I have been completely separate for a year and a half and I am sleeping with another man. Not only that, but he is 50 and I am 30. The age difference doesn't matter. In fact, I like it. He makes a great deal of money, almost as much as my former. Although he is cheap, he does spend some on me. Our favorite thing to do is to go shopping and he buys me the most expensive clothes. (My former never even spent any money on clothes.) He says that I look good in clothes.

I am a sexy dark blond. I guess I could get any guy I wanted, and I am young enough to do it. My husband has not given me a penny and I may never see anything (It's a long story). I am in difficult times here and the poverty is killing me. I feel like I am going through a very shallow stage in life. I really do love him and the money could be a part of that attraction, but only a small part (although it is a requirement at this stage in my life).

We are both very religious and we are having a difficult time with everything. First of all, we are two different denominations. Secondly, we both don't believe in sex before marriage. A friend of the family said that I should marry him. I think I would like to do that. I am trying to get my divorce finalized but it is taking time. It may take years the way things are going.

We talk about marriage, but I can tell in him that he is afraid of marriage. He even states that sometimes.

When I say "I love you" he says nothing or "love you." He said that it is too early for me to say that. We have been dating since July and sleeping together for a couple months. Actually, I guess we have only been dating for about two months (and a week).

It is difficult not sleeping with each other since we did it that one time. I have never had such great sex in my life, and I can tell he is holding back. (Although according to him he comes quickly and I can't figure out why.)

We keep trying to stop having sex and we just can't. We keep saying that we wish we would have waited, to have a friendship, then a romance, and then the sex. I don't mind the sex(!) but I do miss the romance. But then he is buying me clothes and stuff (things that turns him on) and now he want to buy a house so I can move out of my parents house. He has given me a small loan and my even help me get a real car. Come on -- this is romance. Right?

He is the first guy that I have dated that doesn't boss me around. And he is a boss at his work. Sometimes he does boss a little, but when he is paying for it I don't care. It is so refreshing to have someone listen to me and not tell me how to do things. He doesn't direct my future. He offers me great creative ideas (work, school) of what to do now that my husband has totally abused me.

This guy is great. I mean great. All the women are after him. All the guys are after me. It's fun going out with him. Sometimes I feel a bit smothered but I think I am smothering him even more.

Am I using him for sex and money? Should I be spending time with someone so old? My friend said that I should not be with someone so old because when I'm 50 he will be 70. If he had more money (to spend on me, not his grown kids) I won't think twice about taking care of him in his old age. I like older guys.

So ladies out there in the same situation, what did you do/do you do? Should I stay with him? If I leave him, how do I find someone else? We are looking for a counselor right now to help us out, so that should help. We just don't have anyone to talk to right now, since if anyone found out if would ruin both of our lives socially and professionally, and would hurt my legal issues.

Guys, what would you do if you were him? He states that he has never been so turned on in his life. I do believe this. Will it last? Am I "giving up my youth?" like my mother says?

He said today that some people have sex but don't ever want to get married. I have never heard of this before. Then he states that he feels like a hypocrite to his children and want to go back as friends. I don't know if we can do that. I mean, I guess I can, but I don't want to. He sometimes states that the relationship can stay the same. I told him let's wait until counseling until having sex again. Am I reading too much into this casual statement?

Secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:43pm
How is he using her if she *knows* what he is doing, and she is benefitting as well from the relationship? He has layed it out on the line for her, and it is quite apparent that she will except what he is offering her as long as he gives her money. He would only be using her if he was leading her to believe things that were untrue and lying to her. Not the case here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:48pm
It doesn't always take money to make money. A lot of people go out there on their own, with very little funds, and pursue the lifestyle they want. A lot of people who go to college can't afford it, and they have debt from it years after they graduate. I sure as heck didn't have any money when I started out, and I don't personally know many people who did. You just want to have money without having to physically work hard for it- but look at what you are doing to your emotional state by having this attitude. In actuality, you are working for this money that you want- you are prostituting your body in hopes that he will take you shopping or help you out financially. I would much rather work my way up from the bottom any day than to prositute myself. I value myself much more than that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 4:31pm
Wow. Sell myself to prostitution? I thought everyone had sex all the time. I was a virgin when married so this is my first experience with sex besides him. Have you ever seen "Le Divorce". When the sister receives a present from the famous boyfriend the sister states that when you accept a present from someone you have to do what they say. The younger sister says that she is going to do it anyway. It was a great movie and I related well with the women getting the divorce (its a long story).

OK, OK, I'll break up with my boyfriend. No I won't. I'll just stop asking for money. I won't move into the dinky house he wants to buy me (not give me, but let me live there and pay whatever I can afford, decorate and work for him). (You know, he has enough fun bossing around everyone at work. Why boss me?) I'll buy a $1000 car instead of a $10,000 car. I'll stop having sex with him (I'll really try hard not to).

Really, you have no clue what it is like to be on food stamps (actually, I was taken off because of my husband). You have no idea what it is like to be denied sex your whole life and then to get pretty good sex. You have no idea how much fun it is to go shopping with him.

I don't value money. I never even cared about it until now. I just don't know what I am doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 4:33pm
You are right, she does know he's using her. They are both getting something from the relationship. I just think she may be thinking long term it will end in a marriage. I think as soon as she brings up the "M" word, the dynamic of the relationship will change. She'll want more and he'll want less. Hope I'm wrong, but???
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 6:07pm
You are so wrong. I do know what it's like to be on foodstamps, I do know what it's like to be sexually rejected, and I also know what it's like to have someone who wants to buy you things and want to take care of you. Does all of that stuff mean that you are entitled? I think it's a bad excuse, and you need to realize that this is about your values and what you think you deserve. I have no compassion for someone who is too lazy or unwilling to take care of themselves, and would rather latch onto a man than to actually go out there and do something meaningful. It's much easier to spread your legs and get paid in some form than to actually make something of yourself with integrity. You can live your life however you choose, but I really don't see how you can ever be happy with this kind of mentality. Then again, my definition of happiness is worlds away from yours. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 3:48am
No, I am afraid you might be right. He actually was the first one to bring the m word up. Like a few days after we started seeing each other. He said that he wanted to introduce me to his children as his fiancee. Then he said that he wishes that i was not married, so that he could go on our honeymoon together. Now we are thinking of some pre-honeymoon travel, but now he states that he can't because people will talk (including the courts I think). He said that he wants to introduce me to the family as his wife. But really every time I mention it he does not say yes, or even say the word. He actually stated once that it was too soon to say "I love you".
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 3:51am
I am very interested to hear your ideas of happiness. Don't you have sex as well. I really love this guy. See the discussions in the May/December group.

I am thinking of getting out of this, but every time I try he just becomes so kind and seems so dependable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 3:59am
fyi

My husband is hiding our child in another country. I haven't seen her in over a year. The divorce can't happen until we find him. He isn't paying anything so why should he? He owes me $3000 a month if I have the child. I will never see a penny.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 5:52am
Your saga sounds more like a tall tale than a true story so I will no longer waste my time responding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 10:56am
These kind of men will dangle carrots in order to avoid confronting the issue honestly. They say things they know you want to hear in an attempt to patronize you, and buy them more time. They didn't arrive at the financial level they are by being stupid.