sexless love relationship possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
sexless love relationship possible?
7
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 9:45am
I'm feeling such emotional confusion.

I've been with the most wonderful man ever for 3.5 years now. We live together and we adore our lives as a couple. We don't argue about anything except our sex life.

He would love to have sex at least once a week, if not more. But, I am not sexually attracted to him. I just don't think he knows how to touch me in a way that keeps me aroused. In disgust, I feel like my little brother is touching me. It is so awful!

We've talked about this over and over again and nothing seems to work.

Then, to complicate matters, there is another man. Just recently, I started talking to an old friend and we've both expressed a longing for each other. Out of respect for my current relationship, my old friend and I have slowed our communications. Now we just send emails to each other.

I do not and will not abandon my current boyfriend for anyone else. I have been open about my feelings for wanting to break off our relationship. And I told him once that I was thinking about someone else. My boyfriend loves me very much and he's not ready for us to separate. I said that I would try to work things out with him. But every time he wants to get intimate, I find a way to stop it from going any further. We're just not sexually compatible. He said that if I just told him what I wanted in bed, then maybe he could work on it. Again with the little brother feeling. As it is, I am too self-conscious and worried about my own performance in bed and feel unable to work on his issues along with my own.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but I am emotionally cheating on him with another man.

I feel like an awful person and I never want to hurt anyone.

Do I leave a wonderful man for someone who *might* be better for me? Or do I stick around and hope that things will improve? Is it possible to have a sexless yet loving relationship?

Also, my entire family, my coworkers and all of my friends adore my boyfriend. They would all be really upset with me if I ever did anything to hurt him.

-Y

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 1:26pm
It sounds to me that you would you do yourself and your current boyfriend a big favor if you just left. He's doing everything he can to please you and you feel like he's your little brother and you're disgusted and not sexually compatible. You should have your sexless and loving relationship from afar and let your BF have a loving and sex-fulfilled relationship that he deserves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:00pm
I think you just described 50% of all marriages out there. Hate to say this, and it is sad, but a loooooooooooootttttttttt of my friends love their husbands, and just do not sexually want to do anything. I do not necessarilly agree that this is healthy. But that is just me. I know a lot of my friends that have this arrangment, and are very happy with it. It is totally normal, or common I should say, (but definitely not normal for me)So yes, I would say, that a sexless love relationship is possible. It all depends on what you two want out of a relationship.

I remember, when I as single, I went out with this guy who was a sports medicine doctor. He had an amazing body, and I was attracted to the fact that he liked to take care of himself.

After about a year of dating, and having a romantic relationship, (with no sex though) after a while, I was wondering what was up. Ever time sex came up, (and I felt strange being the one instigating the questioning) he acted strange. He also use to comment on the numerous problems he had with his girlfriend's fidelity, ( or lack there of)

Finally, I found out why. This sports doctor got high on his own supply. The moment of truth came, when I saw the result of all his steroid use. We are talking, like, his package looked like a clitoris!! After exposing his secret, he quickly explained how he only wanted a platonic relationship. I guess he was not even interested in sex, although he claimed he was in love with me. (The feelings were not mutual)

After coming out of a sexless marriage myself, I did not want that for myself. I could not make that type of committment to him. For me, the price for that kind of relationship is TOOOOOOOOO HIIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHH!! so we broke up. (there were other reasons though)

I did try to fix him up with one of my friends who would've loved that in a guy, but he was still offended and mad at our breakup, oh well.

I wish you luck. I hope you find a solution that works for the both of you. To each his own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:15pm
Thank you for your response.

I know that you are right about this. And this truth is a tricky thing to handle when every other aspect of our relationship is simply wonderful. This man claims he is willing to do everything possible to make us work. I feel fortunate because I've read a lot of the posts to this board and there are many women who are just asking for that very thing.

I have told him about the little brother thing and he seemed appalled but still wants to work through it. I know I've got a wonderful person here and I really do want the best for us both.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:27pm
Wow! Um.. the story about the steroid doc... sounds unusual. Yet, I can see the connection you are making. Given your experience, I really appreciate your POV.

And to think that our relationship is similar to about half of the marriages out there is kind of scary. There's got to be more to look forward to than a sexless loving relationship! I'm sure I am like many women in simply wanting a decent and loyal man by my side. But, the lack of sex can be unnerving (for the both of us).

The important thing is to do what is right. But, it is painful to imagine walking away from a good thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 7:24pm
I totally agree with you. I would not give up good sex for nothing!! If your current partner can not please you, whatever the cause may be, LEAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVEE!!

I thought I really loved my first husband. He was never good in bed, but I thought he had other qualities that would make up for it. I am sorry. But when you are married, and if good sex is important to you, the relationship is not going to make it.

I totally totally understand the disgust your are talking about. Incompatible sex is nothing short of torture. I used every trick in the book, hiding in the bathroom until I thought he was sleep, faked yeast infections, you name it. And finally, and I am not proud of this, I told him to stop asking me. I do not have to tell you how that marriage ended.

Now, i am very very happy, AND I have emotional connection too. My friends, and my ex boyfriend, who are happy sexless, well, that is for them. I guess there are more important aspects of the relationship that do it for them, but for me, HELLL NOO!! My girlfriends think I am harsh, but hey, I am happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 3:50am

frankly - you deal with one thing at a time. and frankly - you don't stay with a guy just to please the people in your life, or just to "not hurt him".


so first - you need to ask yourself what are you looking for in a marriage/LTR? and if a good sexual connection is on top of that list - then you need to leave THIS relationship. I don't honestly think that this is the situation in 50% of marriages, and i don't think this is something you can "fix". but - that's your call.


*I* would not stay in a relationship where the sex is bad, non existant, etc. i did - for seven years, and i am now on my way out of that marriage and i can tell you that it is H**L, AND that the 'sex' is usually just part of the other issues in the marriage. of course, that was me and my marriage.


and another point - i would seriously explore two issues (preferably with a professional):

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 5:40am
thank you for reading my post and offering your insight.

i am definitely looking into the options that you suggested.

i do have a lot to learn about my personal and relationship related needs.

i am very willing to keep an open mind about this.

i see now that the time has come to start going my separate way.

and you are very right - i did cheat. even though i never had sex or even touched another man - i did emotionally cheat on my boyfriend. this was very hard to admit to myself. it's even harder as i think about how i am going to admit this to my boyfriend.

in the meantime, my boyfriend and i are talking about our break-up. we really want this to be an amicable experience. so, the communication lines are starting to open.

nothing is easy, though.

i feel fortunate to have come across a message board with people who are willing to read and think about the issues of others. whether or not i can utilize the opinions here, i am certainly comforted by the fact that i am not alone.

thank you again for your advice.