sexless newlywed

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
sexless newlywed
25
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:12pm
I am new to iVillage and am asking this question as a desperate, unhappy, un-sexed wife in a 2-year old marriage. In a nutshell I chose to go through marrying my husband even though he admitted he had sex problems months after we were engaged and deep into planning our wedding. I have a history of having good sex and I made the assumption that the sex would just get better since our relationship was based on a great friendship, similar life goals, values, etc. He was/is such a great guy that I really didn't think having sex problems would get in the way.

Now I am so sad because after 2 years of marriage we've probably only had sex 50 times. I'm not exaggerating. Before we got married we had sex more often but he was using drugs to help him achieve an erection. He didn't tell me that until after we were engaged.

I don't know what to do. Part of it feels like it's my fault because I knowingly married him and made the assumption that things would get better. I'm 40 years old and this is my first marriage. Sex had never been a problem in the past. I had been blessed with wonderful lovemaking experiences. I personally had never had "bad sex" before...until now. I didn't realize how important sex really was to me.

We share a desire to have a family but we haven't been able to get pregnant. We have sex when I'm ovulating. We've tried fertility drugs. We only have sex when we are trying to get pregnant. I can't remember the last time we just had sex for the fun of it.

We've tried counseling together and after a year I got fed up with it. I told him he needs to figure out why he has sexual confidence problems on his own. He only wants to go to counseling with me but I feel like he's not helping himself. He had this problem way before he even met me.

I'm mad now. I used to be vibrant, sexual, sensual, passionate. I feel old and withered but even at 40 I KNOW I am too young to feel that way. He is very attractive but I no longer desire him at all. We're just housemates that are good friends. We're civil and get along great but we're platonic. I'm traditional and never thought I'd get divorced or have an affair. I think about divorce and finding a "mister" a lot now. Not because that's really what I want but because my depressed, desperate thoughts take me there.

I am losing hope that I can ever be happy in this marriage. I don't even know why I'm asking for advice except I just don't know what to do anymore. Is this a hopeless situation?

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:19pm

Of course sexual fulfillment is very important and without it many women (and men too) feel upset, unloved and deeply deprived in their lives. There is no reason you should have to go through life without sexual fulfillment. You did not get married to become celibate. Your husband has a serious sexual problem and he needs to work it out with a fine sex therapist. If the one you both went to for a year didn't help, keep looking. He needs to find someone else to work on this with. Let him know that you will not and cannot stay in a marriage that is basically a friendship. This is unhealthy for you in many ways. Tell him it's his role to find himself a sex therapist (or fine psychologist) who can help him work this through. Unless it happens, (and set a time frame you can live with), the marriage will not continue. You do not have to do this in a harsh way, but firmly and clearly. Let him know you mean it. This may prompt him to do the work he needs on himself. If it doesn't, then certainly, you need to make new choices for your life - choices that are healthy for you.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:32pm
It seems like you are having sex about every two weeks. That is no where near celebate. Perhaps you could tell him how much (per week) you want sex and he could compromise with you on the frequency.

And the "having sex just when you are ovulating" is going to make his problems worse by making him have sex on demand. Does he want a child as much as you do? Do you know you are a high risk pregnancy now if you get pregnant over age 40?

I would talk to him about a sexual compromise. And you say sex is bad. How? If he is not making love the way you like it please be assertive and teach him how to make love! Don't leave the guy wondering if he satisfyed you or not. That will frustrate anybody.

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:53pm
clarification: we are having intercourse and artificial inseminations when necessary to get pregnant. technically i suppose this is sex but but it is really very clinical. he wants kids more than me, especially now that i am questioning whether or not i can even stay married to him.

he cannot even achieve an erection with me, even with the drugs he has been trying. however, he can ejaculate when he masturbates especially when he needs to in the doctor's office before the insemination.

so, you may not think this is being "celibate" but definitely on an emotional, spiritual and even on a physical level i "feel" celibate. after a year of counseling he/we learned that he has a problem having sex in a committed relationship. i suppose that's why it was okay before we got engaged.

and, yes, of course i am aware of the increased risk of pregnancy after 40. do you know there are native indian women that still have healthy babies in their 60s? a lot of women are having babies when they're older, especially in this generation where several of us chose to marry later after pursuing careers. it definitely would physically be easier to get pregnant in my 20s but life does not always follow a perfect timeline.

this is so strange sharing my sex life with strangers! it's interesting to read other people's takes on my situation though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:25pm
My bf read your post and has this to say:

He doesn't have a problem when he isn't with her? Maybe they can share whatever he is doing when he is masturbating and build on that.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:43pm
Will your husband satisfy you in ways to get you to orgasm? My husband has ED too and has to take viagra for IC. So most of the time he uses his hands to bring me to orgasm. At least I do not feel quite so neglected although it is not ideal.

You are welcome to join us on this board, you are not alone.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:51pm
COUPLE ACCOMMODATE THEIR DIFFERENT LEVELS OF DESIRE

Mon Aug 16, 8:01 PM ET

By Abigail Van Buren

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding your reply to "Needs More," whose sexual appetite is bigger than her fiance's. You advised her not to marry him because of it. I disagree.



I have been married to a wonderful man for three years. Had I let our differing drives stop me from marrying him, I would have missed out on a loving, mature, attentive husband and father to our children. I actually think I have it better than many women out there whose husbands demand sex daily.


There is more to a relationship than sex. My husband shows me love and affection in hundreds of other ways. Perhaps "Needs More" should take a closer look at their relationship. If sex is the only thing lacking, other ways of physically expressing love -- like hugging, holding hands and kissing -- could be substituted. If she nurtures her relationship in all the other ways, she may find, as I have, that his desire grows in time. Libido fades with age; love does not. -- SATISFIED IN ALL WAYS IN KNOXVILLE


DEAR SATISFIED: You and your husband have been able to negotiate past your differences and make your marriage a fulfilling one. That is not the case with many of the wives and husbands who write to me. Sometimes I wish I could run a dating service for all of the mismatched couples who feel sad, frustrated, isolated and unattractive to the person they love. The reasons for a low sex drive can vary. Read on:


DEAR ABBY: My second wife found herself with a far stronger libido than I could match. This, of course, left me with a lot of disappointment. She, a nurse, said, "Off to the doctor with you!" The doctor said, "Let's do some lab work." Sure enough, there was a little brain chemistry issue I needed to deal with. I am now on medication, which solved our problem. -- HAPPIER NOW IN KANSAS CITY


DEAR HAPPIER NOW: I'm pleased that your problem was resolved. Thank you for pointing out that a low sex drive may be an indication of a medical problem.


DEAR ABBY: That letter from "Needs More" could have been written by me 20 years ago. I married my best friend, who also had very little interest in sex. During our six-year marriage we argued frequently and I felt more and more undesirable. When I finally found the strength to leave the marriage, it broke both our hearts.


Two years later, my ex realized that he was gay. It made so much sense in retrospect. I agree with the advice you gave "Needs More." She should keep her fiance as a friend, but she should not marry him. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN VIRGINIA


DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for sharing your experience. The mail I have received from readers has been divided on this issue. About one-third came from women, like yourself, whose husbands turned out to be gay. Another third said the problem had been caused by a hormonal or chemical imbalance or depression, which had been successfully treated. The rest felt I should reconsider my advice:


DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have learned that with open communication, compromise and respect, we can work through this difference. Intimacy, although important, is only one part of marriage. Because people are different does not mean they should not marry. Marriage is the union of two individuals, not two identical people. Please reconsider your advice to "Needs More." -- FEELING FRISKY IN FRISCO, TEXAS


DEAR FEELING FRISKY: Although I admire your level of maturity, I think I'll stand pat with my answer.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:53pm
Thanks for all your replies. Since my initial post my husband revisited his therapist and he was given homework to work on gaining confidence in his life, not just in the bedroom. I chose to marry my husband, despite my knowledge of his sexual dysfunction, because he is an awesome guy and my best friend. It felt good just to get my feelings out here on this board and it gave me a boost when I was just feeling hopeless.

Sex has never been the most important thing to me in a relationship. In fact it typically was last on the list, BUT, this is the first time I've felt dissatisfied sexually and intimately in a relationahip. I'd been feeling guilty that sex/intimacy was becoming super-important to me and I hated having thoughts of leaving him just so I could feel like a sexual, sensual woman again. If I have a daughter I feel like I want to tell her that it's okay to make sexuality/intimacy high priority if that's important to her. I judged myself and others thinking that making sex a priority was shallow. I still don't think it's the most important thing but now I do not believe it should be dismissed. I didn't honor my feelings of doubt before I got married and now that I am being honest with myself I just hope and pray we can make this work and that we can both have our needs met.

I want to stay married to this guy forever but I would also like to be happy and satisfied. And, it's not the orgasms that I miss most. I can do that myself masturbating. I've just been grieving over feeling like I may never experience beautiful, easy, lovemaking which is satisfying on all levels. Having my husband help me just have an orgasm doesn't meet the need I have for a sense of intimacy and connection I have felt when two people can just be comfortable with their sexuality and enjoy the experience without thinking or worrying. It's not the physical aspect of sex that I'm missing. It's the experience of "becoming one" with another person that you're really in love with and comfortable enough to totally let go. I'm missing more of a spiritual and emotional connection which is experienced through physical interaction.

I think it's also been hard accepting that my marriage wasn't that wonderful union I had saved myself for. I waited so long to get married, thinking I wanted to be sure since I was determined to stay married FOREVER. Starting out not even consummating our marriage on our wedding night, and only once during our honeymoon, has just left me feeling sad and disappointed the last few years. I have yet to really feel like a newlywed since our mostly platonic relationship has left us feeling like buddies. I never envisioned that marriage would feel like this. I knew it would be work but I wasn't prepared for this. I thought it would at least be as satisfying as having a boyfriend, if not better. Not being able to get pregnant, especially at 40, is just another stress added to our situation. (deep breath) And that dream I have started to let go of wondering if we should pursue that if our marriage isn't totally solid.

To cope I've been trying to remember all the wonderful qualities my husband has and hope things will get better. He's kind, helpful, thoughtful, good to my family, great to me, and we share similar values and beliefs. I'd trade our big house, assets, exotic vacations and all those "things" we are able to afford for an intimate, soulmate connection with him. Friends tell me I'm so lucky that he helps with the dishes, mows the lawn, takes me on great vacations, etc. Instead they complain about their husbands not helping around the house and wanting sex too much. I haven't been able to tell them what's really happening behind closed doors because I'm too embarrassed. I guess the grass is always greener to someone else.

Sorry for the rambling. Anyway, "talking" to all of you has given me the boost to keep hanging in there so thanks again. I'm also glad krazykatt told me about the other board which deals with the specific sexual issues we're having.

Please send prayers and positive energy,

Meels

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 8:54pm
Well, I'd say whether the issue is physical in totality, or emotional in part or totality - the FACTS as you know them are what to consider.

First, he doesn't "like sex".....or else he'd be pursuing finding a solution to this problem.

Second, he doesn't have a desire to find a solution.....because he's not doing it.

Third, you married him knowing he had "sexual problems".....and made an assumption that "aisle/altar/hymn=I'll alter him".

So....let's put this in a totally different context. To him - his sex drive is just fine and your sex life is just fine. That's a "fact" it's just never been presented to you that way. Because if it were't fine he's be seeking solution. I gaurantee you - when the car knocks and pings it goes in to the mechanic, ASAP! HE wants to find a solution before the problem gets worse, it does more damage, and he's without a vehicle.

So basically, it sounds like you married him becuase you "wanted to be married" and knowing that he wasn't that into sex or had issues with sex...you did it anyway.

The real problem in a nutshell - is you two don't share the same enthuasiasm, interest, and emotional associations with the act of sex.

Now...we get to "solutions"...because nothing you do is going to change him. But a little self-exploration might open you up to other options and potential solutions!

Do you like 'sex" - as ap hysically gratifying act and you've had numerous one night stands, casual sex, and have no problem admitting to that and have never had a personal issue regarding regret, remorse or guilt about it? Or, in the past is your sexual history one of "with teh same partner" until thatrelationship ended...and then you found another relationship and didn't have sex until that relationship was formed to your satisafction? I don't want you to answer me...it's just critical for you to know -in regard to the next portion of the solution.

If you've been a fan of sex as a physical act - be it only with men, or only with one man in the bed (vs. 3-somes or more)....but your partners have been varied and numerous and you've never suffered on a personal emotional level as a result...you like sex. You like physical gratification. Great...most of us do - and have a real problem admitting it!

So if that's the case...you can sit down with your husband and negotiate. You might come to an impasse - but this is worth a shot. If you're needing sexual release, would he object to you finding a lover, in a discrete manner, never in your own home/bed, and never to be openly displayed in public? He might not...he doesn't like sex. If you two have spent enough time and have enough in common, and there is eough financial investment - losing everything in a split might not be as attractive as this option to him. Because one thing is certain - he does NOT equate emotional bond with sex. And you can readily explain that you don't either.....again, if you reach a "no way" impasse - you're going to have to decide and realize that 'staying' - once you've openly admitted that sex doesn't require/inspire emotional bond in you....having asked for this option and his refusing you it...is going to lead to some restructure of your relationship so that he's assured you're "not cheating behind his back". Or, you're going to leave because sexual gratification is a high priority with you and whatever you'd "lose" as a result of divorce does not override your lifelong pleasure and desire of a great sexuall partner.

If the above paragraph puts shivers down your spin because you have no intention or desire to have "sexual gratification" with someone who doesn't admire and respect you as an individual, and desire to share life's trials, tributions, joys and interests with you - then realize you're not as much into sexual gratification...as you are the emotional association that you have with the act of sex. You're creating "feelings' as a result of sex...you feel loved, desired, secure, etc. and sex is an action that is causing that feeling. Taht's what feelings are - they're a product of situation and your preception of them....and you've become programmed to believe that because someone sexually desires you and culminates hat desire - they admire, respect, love, treasure, adore, and want YOU as an individual in their lives.

In which case....you could consider some personal counseling in order to help you reprogramming your emotional association vocabularly. So that instead of "sex" signifying that you're loved, desired, respected and admired - things he does every day that to him "say that" - now say that to you as well.

That actually MIGHT go some measure in helping your sex life. It would certainly take the pressure and tension out of the situation. But don't go into this with that ulterior motive and agenda...because there's no guarantee.

I've been here and done this...I've been married and divorced 4 times by 35! And in the last 3 marriages we had VERY LITTLE SEX! The first marriage, at a horny 18 and 19 - producing a baby and getting divorced in teh same year - let's not go there. That was a totally dysfunctional situation...and he was screwing alot more people than me, and I knew it and couldn't control it, obviously.

But in the following 3 marriages...don't speculate as to why becuase why doesn't change things......I didn't prioritize "having a great sex life' prior to marriage itself. I kept thinking the same thing you did "aisle/altar/hymn = I'll alter him with a ring". So I was thecommon denominator in every relationship.

When i got my head on striaght and matured at around 37...I could see the problem for what it was....me! In every relationship I didn't prioritize our sex life...becuase I had other needs and goals for that "marriage" to meet. Once those needs were met, I did want to "feel desired and desirable" in the sexual context because of how i associated sex=respect/love. Well, I had married guys that weren't that into sex (yes, they exist) and they didn't associate "having sex withshowing respect and admiration and love".....yet I perceived I wasn't respected, loved and admired - because they wouldln't have sex. It's called "miscommunication in emotional association context".

I'd pursue sex like a fiend...trying to get the "feeling" of being respected...and they'd back further and further off because I was pressuring them to do something they didn't have any interest in.

Has anybody ever tried to convince you to skydive? Same thing - if you have no interest, or are insecure or afraid about it....someone hounding you to "try it" is likely to have you avoiding them at all costs!

In teh last marriage that was the longest - 8 years.....we had sex on average about 3 times a year. So you're 50 times in 3 years is WAY over the top of my "old record".

Now, once I got self-actualized, emotionally balanced, mature, realistic, and secure as an individual - I stopped having all those unrealistic and illogical emotional ssociations with the act of sex. I figured out someone willing to sleep with me didn't mean they loved or respected me as an individual - duh!

So now.....at 41......I wouldn't get with a partner that didn't prioritize sex in our relationship to at least some very close percentage to the way I do. I've been with my man four years.........and he really does love sex...but he's the first one to say that while he's never had to be the pursue of sex (the common denominator in his life being him and him being a very "sexual" person and it being evident in all that charm and charisma and flirtation) in any of his encounters or relationships - which in terms of partners total several hundred women.....I am definitely the most sexually aggressive and passionate woman he's ever met. He attributes it to precisely what i related above - thatI don't correlate or associate it with anything but physical gratification...and I love physical gratification for what it is - not thinking it offers or provides or inspires something it doesn't.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 1:58am
Interesting post Erin. I find it very useful because I am with my 4th low-libido man now. My second marriage ended because of it. (I've been married and divorced twice.) I am 39 and I too have always associated being wanted by a man sexually as meaning that he loves and cares about me and finds me worthy as a woman. When I end up with these men who lose all interest in sex my self esteem plummets into the toilet. I try to ignore the problem at first but eventually it is inescapable and inevitably I begin the pursuing behaviours that drive them even further away. I know what you are saying about reducing sex to just a purely physical thing, but actually doing it is difficult. It is so ingrained in me from childhood (my father was a notorious womanizer) that deep down a woman's worth is based on how attractive she is to men. Now intellectually I *know* this isn't true, but in my heart I feel that it is. If your man doesn't want you, (because "all men want sex" we are taught) there must be something wrong with YOU.

I suppose I could solve these problems by seeking out men with high libidoes who want sex all the time, but believe it or not, men like that turn me off. I would never feel I could trust a man like that because I would never be able to satisfy him and the minute my back was turned he would be messing around with some other woman. So, to feel safe, I am attracted to quiet non-super sexual men. The problem is, they are ALL horny in the beginning, in the throes of new love. Then things settle down and they go back to their usual non-sexual state, and the problems begin. I have been seeing a pattern here.

My current relationship of 2.5 yrs is in serious trouble right now due to this issue. It was in trouble last year but when given an ultimatum, my guy perked up for about 6 months---now he has backslid again and I'm back to deciding to stay or go. I used to frequent the clashing libidos board quite a bit but then it got better so I didn't feel the need to go there. Unfortunately I guess it was too good to be true.

Maybe someday I can shed the feelings of inadequacy and unattrativeness and pain and shame and get over this problem, but I'm really not sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:15am
Self-esteem is you liking, loving, appreciating, admiring, respecting, accepting and trusting yourself with your own present and future because of how you conductyour life - pursuing your goals, meeting your needs, defining yourself as a complete, successful, secure, happy person.

Self-confidence is what you have when somenoe admires or likes what you've got, what you can do, what you look like, etc.

The problem is - self-confidence requires a middle man and a warm fuzzy TEMPORARY "feeling" of I like me.

The good news is - self-esteem you gain through responsible, intelligent, diligent interaction with yourself...and there is no middle man required or even allowed.

Without self-esteem - self-confidence is the heroin good feeling quick fix...you need it in ever increasing doses, from ever increasing sources.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

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