sexless newlywed
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| Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:12pm |
Now I am so sad because after 2 years of marriage we've probably only had sex 50 times. I'm not exaggerating. Before we got married we had sex more often but he was using drugs to help him achieve an erection. He didn't tell me that until after we were engaged.
I don't know what to do. Part of it feels like it's my fault because I knowingly married him and made the assumption that things would get better. I'm 40 years old and this is my first marriage. Sex had never been a problem in the past. I had been blessed with wonderful lovemaking experiences. I personally had never had "bad sex" before...until now. I didn't realize how important sex really was to me.
We share a desire to have a family but we haven't been able to get pregnant. We have sex when I'm ovulating. We've tried fertility drugs. We only have sex when we are trying to get pregnant. I can't remember the last time we just had sex for the fun of it.
We've tried counseling together and after a year I got fed up with it. I told him he needs to figure out why he has sexual confidence problems on his own. He only wants to go to counseling with me but I feel like he's not helping himself. He had this problem way before he even met me.
I'm mad now. I used to be vibrant, sexual, sensual, passionate. I feel old and withered but even at 40 I KNOW I am too young to feel that way. He is very attractive but I no longer desire him at all. We're just housemates that are good friends. We're civil and get along great but we're platonic. I'm traditional and never thought I'd get divorced or have an affair. I think about divorce and finding a "mister" a lot now. Not because that's really what I want but because my depressed, desperate thoughts take me there.
I am losing hope that I can ever be happy in this marriage. I don't even know why I'm asking for advice except I just don't know what to do anymore. Is this a hopeless situation?

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Good luck to you and I hope, I hope, I hope, that you have found a solution to your problems and your hubby and your relationship continues to improve. Hugs!!
---jez
May I ask why he no longer takes the drugs? I know that you are trying to get pregnant, maybe that has something to do with it. I would not get pregnant if I were you and remain in that sexless marriage. Not sure what the counselor did for you, but a year is too long to see a therapist with no results. I too live in a sexually incompatible marriage but I'm not sure if we were always incompatible or if it is just me. I can't remember the last time I achieved an orgasm with my husband or if I ever have. We have been together going on 8 years. I did have good sex before marriage, not sure what's going on now, but thought it might be stress. Anyway, sometimes women just have to take care of themselves. Adam and Eve have some great products.
although things are great right now the kids thing is still on hold until we feel more sure that this new phase of compatible sexuality/intimacy "sticks". we're both very hopeful though since our relationship is so great in all other areas and this new chapter in the bedroom feels so healthy and even-keeled.
so, i am so glad i didn't jump ship into getting divorced. there were so many times i was ready to quit. being single is easy for me since i did it for so long. i don't need my husband financially, emotionally, for anything. i married him because he's a great guy and he is so good for me. we respect the institution of marriage and our vows still resonate strongly for us. i didn't marry him because we had a great sex life but i did marry him because of our similar beliefs, values, interests, and life goals. and, we are awesome friends that love being together but also give each other the space we need for our independent personalities. i think all of those things helped us get through this tough time. if divorce becomes a serious option we both want it to be a super difficult decision. giving up on a marriage is a serious thing and it deserves the love and work it takes to keep it going.
and, i don't think a year is too long for counseling. it was about 20 sessions for couples and individual counseling. it actually went by quickly and it was super helpful. no it didn't give me the lovemaking i wanted but it helped us in other areas which i believe were the baby steps we needed to tackle the deep-seated sex fears my husband had. it wasn't until after the marriage counseling and my husband's secret sex therapy that we began reaping benefits in the bedroom. the marriage counseling kept us from being too toxic with each other emotionally though and helped us discover what each of us were contributing to our relationship issues.
as i wrote when i first started this discussion i was ready to give up on this marriage. little did i know that this miraculous shift in our relationship was going to happen and that my husband had been pursuing sex therapy on his own. i hope 6 mos. to a year from now that we're still continuing on new path of compatible intimacy together. i know some of you are doubtful or cynical but i'm going to just enjoy and accept this gift while i'm receiving it.
being optimistic,
meels
First of all I have to say thank you for posting, because I am going through something similar, but not quite as serious. However, I too have considered divorce. We have been talking about it a lot lately. I am only 24 and have been married for 3 1/2 years. My situation differs because my husband can get an erection, but the sex is just not satisfying at all...and it never was. I married him when I respected, but did not love him. Same thing as you, he is very nice and helpful. My problem is that I don't feel like I am in love with him. Like you, I am a traditional person, but I see that the lack of intimacey in our life could cause divorce. I don't know if I don't love him, or if I just think I don't? I'm pretty sure I don't.
I am struggling with divorce not because I don't want to, but I'm afraid I will upset the family and that I am being selfish.
Thanks,
youngleigh
I haven't been on these boards for awhile since the sex problems in our relationship have worked themselves out, well, with a lot of counseling. In short counseling, sex therapy and a wonderful breakthrough has improved our situation immensely over the last few months. It's really been a miracle.
So, if you love your husband and want to make it work I suggest trying counseling and specifically sex therapy. Finding someone good may be a bit spendy but it's worth it.
Take care,
Meels
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