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sexual advice
| Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:46am |
Heres what happened...I met a man online, we talked, we got along great! One problem he lived in Florida and me in Chicago. We fell in love! It was all wonderful, that is never having met though. I made what may have been the dumbest decision of my short life so far, I decided to move to Florida to be with him, giving up my whole life at home. Now I'm sure other people have been through worse in their online dating lives, but to me this seems very bad! He said he hadn't had sex in over a year, and that being so I probably wouldn't see god himself the first time or two. OK that was fine I said, he said he would do anything to please me, and we were in that amazing, dizzying first stage of a relationship, and so in love!
So we had sex, not great (to say the least), but hey it was the first awkward time, so I let it slide. The next time was slightly better, but it fell off from there. He did a 360 on the issue of wanting kids, and decided under no circumstances was he interested in them anymore, when he had been the one trying to persuade me to have one! He said he was so sure about this he was absolutely unable to have sex with me until I was on some kind of birth control! And we were going through an incredibly rough financial time and there would be no way, i could afford that! not to mention I was new to the area and had no job or insurance! So now 8 months later we are finally getting out of our financial black hole and I have been virtually sexless this whole time! Can any tell me if they really think his issue has to do with or kids? Cause I think he just doesn't want me! he says he doesn't like to be touched or kissed but that has no reflection on me, and that i take everything to personally! What should I do?
So we had sex, not great (to say the least), but hey it was the first awkward time, so I let it slide. The next time was slightly better, but it fell off from there. He did a 360 on the issue of wanting kids, and decided under no circumstances was he interested in them anymore, when he had been the one trying to persuade me to have one! He said he was so sure about this he was absolutely unable to have sex with me until I was on some kind of birth control! And we were going through an incredibly rough financial time and there would be no way, i could afford that! not to mention I was new to the area and had no job or insurance! So now 8 months later we are finally getting out of our financial black hole and I have been virtually sexless this whole time! Can any tell me if they really think his issue has to do with or kids? Cause I think he just doesn't want me! he says he doesn't like to be touched or kissed but that has no reflection on me, and that i take everything to personally! What should I do?

To answer your questions:
"Can any tell me if they really think his issue has to do with or kids?"
No, it doesn't have to do with having kids, at least not EVER having kids although that is probably true too. It has to do with having kids with YOU and who he really is. But why would you want to have a child with a man who doesn't want to have them with you, and who seems to have other very serious problems as well?
"Cause I think he just doesn't want me!"
You're right. But that doesn't mean you're undesirable. It's that you are undesirable to HIM, and it's very possible that he's got some deep issues about ALL women.
"He says he doesn't like to be touched or kissed but that has no reflection on me, and that i take everything to personally!"
He's right. It's him. There is something very wrong with him. (Which goes back to the point about people not being who you thought they were, why they seek others who live so far away, and why they seem to do a complete 360 -BTW, it's 180 - when you see the real person.) They always were that way.
"What should I do?"
Cut your losses, pack up and move home.
Personally, it sounds to me as if he has intimacy issues and you be best to look out for you and your future. Even if that means moving.
Carrie
hugs! i'm sorry, for you, but i agree with the other posters. the bottom line is - cut your losses, move back home, and move on with your life.
<> you got along great ONLINE. you didn't KNOW each other, and you weren't IN LOVE, you can't be IN LOVE with someone you don't KNOW
<> he very obviously has intimacy issues. its not the "kids" or the "birth control" - and its not *you* - its HIM.
here's what i think: you can stay with him, continue to TRY (and, BTW, *you* are going to be the only one TRYING) to make this work, continue to sink what lttle money and energy you have into this, thinking that "if only" (If only you were smarter/prettier/sexier/richer/etc) then HE would be ok, sex would be ok, everything would go back to the way it was when you first "met" online. well - newsflash: *this* is who he is, *this* is who he has always been. the whole ONLINE "relationship" got you thinking that he was something that he isn't. the smart thing to do would be to ACCEPT that you made a mistake, and MOVE ON.
good luck (and next time, get to REALLY KNOW someone before you make major life changes)
You have to listen to his words (he doesn't want kids) and stop thinking that you have the ability to change his mind or solve his sexual problems. Think rationally and try to look at this objectiviely without your defense mechanisms going full throttle.