sexual differences
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 06-01-2007 - 3:12am |
I've come across a serious problem in my relationship and I really need advice.
I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. We've been through good and bad times together, and I love him with all my heart.
We've talked lately about some things with sex and he's been wanting to try some things i'm not comfortable with. He said he would never force me to do anything i dont want to do, which i just want to make sure to say. He was my first, but I was not his (hes 4 years older than me... we are both in our 20s now).
Over the 4 years I've grown both emotionally and sexually, but I feel like he's in a whole other universe as far as sex goes. I want him to be happy, but I feel like I have to compromise myself to make sure he is.
Now before anyone goes into a 'what a bastard' rant.... i want to say that I know my comfort zone is all about my insecurities and self confidence. He's not asking me to do anything illegal or dangerous. One example of a fantasy he has is me stripping for him. He doesnt like strippers, he just wants me to do it.
I feel like if I had more self esteem and confidence, I would have no problems with some of these things he wants.
Any ideas? be gentle! hahaha.

You need to find ways to improve your self-esteem and be comfortable with your body - not for your boyfriend, but for yourself. Although you only gave one example of what your boyfriend wants to try, it sounds fairly reasonable and tame to me. I would guess that once you are comfortable in your own skin you will be able to be more open sexually.
Many women struggle with body image issues in their teens and 20s - I know I certainly did! One book I read that really helped me was Fat Is a Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach. Perhaps your issues with yourself are different, but I would find books that address your concerns.
I am now in my late 30s and very comfortable in my own skin, but it took time and work to get there - invest the effort in yourself and you will be happy you did.
Best wishes,
Coolas
its not so much that I feel fat. I was never popular or attractive growing up, but I ended up with some people call 'ugly duckling' syndrome. I'm a far cry from what I used to look like, but I still feel ugly... and awkward.
I'm really insecure. When i see an attractive woman in the area and I'm with my boyfriend, I impulsively verbally cut her up (never within her earshot though). I pick her apart and find all the things i hate about her. The I obsess about whether or not he was attracted to her, or attracted to her more than hes attracted to me. Which leads to me obsessing over whether or not he's happy with me, and why cant i look more like her. Which makes me want to rummage through his things to find out if he's found someone else.
He's told me before that he thinks i'm really mean sometimes. deep down i agree with him, but its a defense mechanism so i dont break down and cry right there because i dont look the way I want to.
its awful but i dont know how to stop. i had low self esteem to begin with, and I can't stop hating on myself because i dont look the way I want myself to. Because I dont feel attractive.
He's also never been the most physically affectionate person, which is just how he is. He's not big on PDA. I've been trying to initiate it more, but he's just not used to it. I really feel like i need compliments, and approval. He says he thinks I always look good, and he doesn't want the compliments to lose their meaning or seem fake, so he uses them when i've gone above and beyond to look good. Which makes sense, i dont hate on him for that. It just makes me push myself to go above and beyond more.
My getting ready to go out routine (shower, makeup, hair, clothes) is pushing 3 hours lately.
gaaaaaaah.
*In reply to the last poster... stripping is one of the mildest of the fantasies he's talked about. A threesome is the most extreme. I told him thats not something i would ever do. He said he would never push me to do anything I didn't want to do, or anything that would hurt me. But it still makes me feel even more insecure. What happens if he finally gets tired of me not being so open? I can see stripping as being something i could viably handle in the future. I have more traditional beliefs, so a threesome, no way.... we've gone over the pros and cons in a calm discussion. The cons outweigh the pros imo. Even with all the proper safety precautions taken, murphy's law never overlooks a situation like that. Plus, i mean I'm not a porn star. Some things need to stay in the movie.
It sounds like you do have some serious self-esteem issues that you need to address. Just remember that if you don't love yourself, nobody else will. I understand the ugly duckling syndrome and went through it myself. What's funny is that now, in my late 30s, I am considered 'the hot girl'; nobody can believe that I ever wasn't - but trust me, I was a very awkward looking teenager and 20something.
This is a very complex subject and no posting is going to give you all the answers you seek. Gaining self-esteem is not something you can do overnight - but it IS achievable, because I've done it myself!
First of all; we all have thoughts and feelings; you can't necessarily control these, but you can control your behavior and how you react to these feelings. Women are quite competitive by nature, we are reared that way and I think we are instinctively like that also; but no good comes from comparing yourself to others - you are unique and you need to celebrate all that is good about YOU. Forget the pretty girl you think catches the eye of your boyfriend; there will always be women who are prettier, thinner, funnier, richer, etc. etc. than you, so stop comparing yourself or you will drive yourself crazy. Instead, focus on what is good about you.
If you could change things about yourself, what would they be? One way to improve self-esteem is to increase your repertoire; do something that makes you more than what you were before. A relationship is all well and good, but it should add to your life, not be your life. I found that when I got busy with my dreams and aspirations and when I was active in taking care of myself, I found the self-esteem I was looking for.
You need to embrace the beauty of others around you, open your heart and appreciate that almost everybody has something to offer, just as you do. People generally want to be around other people who make them feel good about themselves; not somebody who feels badly about themselves and inferior to others. In some senses, you have to fake it til you make it.
You need to make an investment in yourself that will result in more self-esteem - what is something that you have always wanted to do but were scared to? Work towards goals and stop seeking approval and acceptance from others - you have to give that to yourself. You say it takes you 3 hours to get ready - that is simply crazy!
As far as the three-some; many men have this fantasy; but just because it is a desire, doesn't mean that it is appropriate or that you should feel obliged to do it. Don't take it so seriously, just tell him you're not into the idea and leave it at that.
I would suggest some counseling to address the self-esteem issues.
Best wishes.
Coolas
There is nothing wrong with his asking for that from a person he's in a committed relationship with. As long as there's nothing dangerous or harmful or illegal it's fine to
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
The fact of the matter is is that the person you're having sex with isn't judging your body! Men don't judge us the way we judge ourselves and other girls...they're just happy.
Men are simple creatures when it comes to sex, they just want a nice looking girl who seems healthy. Of course, everyone is different and boundaries are ok...but sex is supposed to be a fun thing!
Welcome to the board evictorine,
I just wanted to say that your bf's fantasies are pretty normal. My fiance has the same ones and I think most guys tend to. It doesn't mean they have to get everything they want ;) Just do what you are comfortable with.
As your self esteem grows you may find yourself becoming more adventurous.
glitter-graphics.com
hey everyone thanks for replying
well me and him had a calm conversation about it. I made it very clear that a threesome is most definetly NOT going to happen. I put a lot of thought into it, and I'm not going to compromise my personal beliefs about sex. As much as I want him to be happy, i know for a fact that I would feel like sh*t if I forced myself into a threesome. As much as I've grown as a person, I still feel that sex should be two people (and only two people) who love each other. As silly and traditional as this may seem to some people, I am proud of the fact that I've only slept with one person. Im not a prude by any means but I couldn't ever see myself acting like most of my peers... bringing home someone different every night or picking up a random person at a bar or club.
Anyways, he said he doesnt care if we don't have a threesome. He said its not a big deal, its just something he's thought about. He said he would like it if i could go a little crazy sometimes, but I dont need to go to that extreme if i dont want to.
But yeah, I'm no stranger to what I like and what I dont. We have a very active sex life... bare minimum 2 times a week. As far as masterbation goes, maybe 1-2 times a week. I try not to do it more than that, because I'm on the depo (I get light spotting instead of a period if I get one at all), and the vibrations will sometimes cause spotting.
also i forced myself to get ready to go out in about and hour and a half last weekend. Including shower, hair, makeup and clothes. woot.
glitter-graphics.com