sexual experience an issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
sexual experience an issue
3
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 4:27pm
hi-

i am a man living with a woman who as more sexual experience than i do. i believe it has become an issue for our sex lifes and threatens our whole relationship.

the story goes as follows. she is disappointed by our sex. i believe since many of her relationships were short term, she has the belief that the lust people feel for each other at the beginning of relationships always is there. i, however, who has had fewer relationships, believes that while the lust subsides, emotional attachment and mutual understanding take the place of the lust. these new elements are outside of the bedroom and are strengthened by day to day care for one another.

the day to day care has always been my area; i cook, clean, plan. she does not. this is my issue with her; something i cannot bring up without disagreement. she believes she does other things that make-up for her lack of help around the house. i do not see these things; she says she puts up with a lot of guff from me. i agree with her; the guff is me trying to hint that she needs to be more aware that i am the only one doing things on the day to day. that we ought to share these tasks.

her misunderstanding of my needs, both emotional and physical, have created gaps in my emotional and sexual desires for her. i still become excited at the thought, and especially the sight of her. yet, i do not know how to explain my lack of interest in doing more for her in the bedroom without her doing more outside of it. i will not be there without you being here, so to speak. this comes back to the sexual experience issue.

i, indeed, feel inadequate. i feel like i can do everything else to please her, but i can never please her sexually. she wants the lust of a short term and the deep love of a committed relationship she says. it seems to me that she does not know what it takes to be in anything save the former. she said to me last night, and so sweetly too, that sometimes she feels so overwhelmed with love, she wants to somehow channel it into our bedroom. i fully agree with her and said so. yet, i do not know how to! i feel like a kept woman! i do not know 'the tricks of the trade' i thought i did or think i should. i have taken quizzes, read articles, listened to her. nothing sticks! everything i learn goes out the window when i am the only one making our house a home. i feel cheated. i want to learn. i want to please her. i do not want to feel used.

what do i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:01pm
I think the root of your issue is communication. It seems as if you two simply do not communicate about what your expectations and needs are, both in and out of the bedroom. You need to tell her how you feel, about being used both in and out of the bedroom, and reach some sort of agreement with her on how to change the situation. Hinting will only complicate the issues and create more animosity and resentment. And "putting up with guff" does not make up for unbalanced household responsibilities.

Tell her straightforward that you think you have an unfair burden of responsitibility. Tell her what you need, and encourage her to tell you what she needs. She's not stimulated in the bedroom? As her to teach you, to show you. Make this, that is, both the sex and the relationship, something that you share and learn together, growing together and not a one way thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:07pm
Wow, could you have hit any closer to home? I unfortunately completely understand what you are saying. I, too, am in a relationship with someone who had many short yet sexually charged relationships before me. I, on the other hand, had one with my wife, who passed 3 years ago.

My SO and I have moved in together, and I find myself doing 99% of the housework. She only works 3 days a week, but fills her days off with hobbies and outings with friends. I come home to a pile of unwashed laundry, an unmade bed and the expectation that I will cook dinner that night! Talking has produced little progress. When it comes to our love life, I cannot 'get into it' because I'm still upset at everything else she isn't doing.

I don't know how long you've been together, but it seems that there are 2 issues here: inequality in daily chores (which can be a deal-breaker, believe it or not) and sexual experience (or lack thereof). The former is something that some people simply cannot/will not comprehend. Yes, it's just washing the dishes or vacuuming the floor. But, do that for 10 years with no help? You're essentially playing housemaid. The latter, well, she, as your partner, should be working with you on your love life, not against you. Intimacy in that situation is very fragile; showing disappointment can very well shatter a person's confidence.

I'm afraid the advice I have may not be happy for you: after dealing with this for a long time and putting a lot of thought into it, I think you may have to recognize that there is a difference in needs between you that cannot be resolved. If she is simply unwilling to see your needs and change a little to meet them, then there is no relationship. Compromise is key, and generally you want to do things to make your partner happy. If she can't comprehend this, then you won't be able to make her.

Best wishes~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:00pm
Reading material:

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Both books explain how emotional intimacy, appreciation, etc. is a necessity of physical (sexual) closeness as well.

If that doesn't work, consider couple's counseling.


Carrie