Sexual Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Sexual Relationship
18
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:24am
Where to begin-My husband & I have been married 1 year & our sex live has gone to pot. It is the 3rd marriage for both of us & we are very much in love with each other but the sexual problems are driving us apart. We are both 51 yrs. old & in good physical shape & above average in appearance & intelligence. The problem is that my husband had an extremely high sex drive the last 30 yrs. & with his ex had sex twice a day. Now we are regulated to maybe 1 or 2 times a week & ONLY on the weekends & it is driving me crazy. We have had numerous discussions about this matter & seem to get nowhere. He claims that he is just slowing down, his job zaps all his energy, he needs to quit smoking, get in better shape, the list goes on & on. My jealously over this matter is driving us apart & causing problems in an otherwise idealic relationship. He is extremely attentive, loving & compassionate in all other areas of our relationship & is the most wonderful man I have ever known. I love this man with all my heart & soul & don't want to lose him but the sex issues are getting the best of me & I don't know what to do anymore. We have talked about going to a therapist but he works 10 hr. days & there is no time for anything like that-also he has 2 children from his previous marriage aged 12 & 11 that we send 800.00/bi weekly to in Fla. & that is driving me crazy also. My children are both in their 30's & have families of their own & I feel cheated that we are going to be paying so much money for so many years yet when we should be saving toward retirement, which at this rate is likely to never come.

I know that at our age we should not be having sex issues in our lives but I have always been extremely interested in sex & enjoy the little that we do engage in it. My husband has told me more than I would really care to know about his sexual past (he used to be a male stripper, go to brothels, etc.) & that is just driving me insane & I need to know how to overcome the jealously & anger that is accompanying these feelings & how I can help him get back in the mood to enjoy sex in OUR life together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:02pm
Have you read Venus and Mars in the Bedroom? My boyfriend says there is a section in the book each for both men and women, telling them how to intiate sex that gets results.... I haven't read it, but the part my boyfriend told me about, well, when I do it, it works.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:12pm
It's unclear to me whether you are actually emotionally and physically unfullfilled with the sex in your relationship now, or whether you think you should just have more sex because of his previous relationships. If it is the former, than I would say you should continue to talk to him about this and tell him your needs are unfullfilled.

It the latter is the case, and I'm getting the feeling that it is more likely this than the other, I think you should give serious thought to your attitude towards sex. Do you feel that having sex more often is somehow a mark of a better relationship? Or that it is somehow superior to having sex less often? The frequency and character of sex has less to do with the quality of the relationship and more to do with the people involved. That is, two people can have a wonderful relationship regardless of whether they have sex ten times a week or once a week. That in itself is not a mark of love or of happiness, and yet it sounds like you are using it to measure that. What is making you feel inferior to his previous relationships? Why do you even care about his previous relationships? Regardless of the fact that they were having sex twice a day or whatever, it didn't work out in the end. What does that tell you? That there are more important things in a relationship than the sex! You cannot compare your relationship with him now, or even your sex life with him now to previous relationships. You simply don't know enough except to draw your own conclusions, which you will do unfavorably to yourself.

I think you just have to make a concious effort to let go of the past, and resist the urge to compare your present to it. Don't allow yourself to fall into that. Remind yourself that it doesn't matter. Whatever happened in the past is over with- he is here with you now, and you two can work towards a happy future. Regardless of the amount of sex he had with others, none of those relationships worked. Here, you have the ability to create one that does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:13pm
You knew he had two minor children to support before you married him. Why are you crapping about it now? His first obligation is to them, not to you. By the way, who moved the children away from their father? Did he move away or did the mother?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:20am
Yes, I knew he had 2 minor children when we married & it was their mother that left my husband. She had put him through 5 years of hell with her accusations, paranoia & even beat up a neighbor she THOUGHT my husband was having an affair with-which was not true at all. The problem is that every week she calls here demanding we send her more money for something or other & it will never stop. My husband makes $140,000.00/yr as an engineer for the worlds largest construction company & she has not worked AT ALL for the past three years & lives off of what we send her which is strictly for childrens care. Their son is dyslexic & has ADHD & every year she expects my husband to fork over $15,000.00 for his son to attend a special school to help with his dyslexia, which he has done twice. We just paid $2,000.00 for braces for the same child & we do these without a fuss because of the fact that my husband DOES want to contribute to his childrens upkeep but where does her responsibility come in to play?? She let a car she was awarded in the divorce 2 yrs ago get repossessed & my husband had to pay $5,000.00 to get it out of hock & then she called wanting it back!! Last fall she took my husband to court for more child support but lost her case since she is in Fla, the divorce took place in Texas & we live in Ind. (besides he is already paying exactly what Fla. law says he should be) I am not some whiney bitch or anything. I raised two daughters of my own for 13 yrs. by myself & got $150.00/mo for child support, but I also have worked for the past 30 years which is more than be said for her!! Soooo, where does this all stop & let my husband & I be working toward a long awaited retirement that seems will never come without her bleeding us dry every month??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:40am

hi. i think that sexual issues are very difficult , but i also know that its usually not JUST the sexual issues. i am in the process of geting divorced from my second husband, and we NEVER had sex AT ALL the entire marriage, but i also know that, even tho it was a MAJOR problem - it was not the only one.


anyway, i just had a few questions if you don't mind:


how long have you known each other before you got married? has your sex life CHANGED since before the wedding or has it always been 1-2 a week? how many years ago was he married to his ex (in other words, how long has it been since he has been having sex 7 times a week?)


sometimes problems can be solved, or compromises found. but being jealous of an ex wife is not a good way to be...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:12pm
What I hear in your second post is that you are more frustrated than anything else. The fact that he won't stand up to her, by telling her, I pay my child support, in full, on time, please don't come to me for additional money, period.

I imagine some of his unwillingness to confront her is due to guilt he feels at being so far away from his kids, being unable to help in a more direct way, and the fact that their parents are divorced (him and his ex). Guilt is a powerful motivator. Would he be willing to go to couple's counseling with you to work on the issues (sex and left over baggage)? If so, go. If not, go without him. You need a safe place to vent.

My best to you.


Carrie

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:34pm

Well, to begin with, you knew about your husband's financial committments to his children and their ages before the marriage. Did you think or hope that would change? It sounds as though you have someone you love dearly, who is very good to you, but there are also areas where you are not getting what you want or living the way you want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:45pm
Hi-thanks for getting back with me so quickly. Yes, I suppose there are other issues with us rather than just sexual, but to answer your questions- My husband & I had known each casually for about 3 years b4 we ever went out. We both worked for the same worldwide construction co. & were posted to 2 different jobsites together. I asked him to a party that a vendor of mine was holding over Labor Day 2 yrs. ago because I knew he was a lot of fun, very good looking & it seems we fell in love almost immediately, although we went out for 4-5 weeks b4 ever sleeping togther. He was then divorced about 2 yrs from his 2nd wife & they had had two children together over a course of a 10 yr. marriage-children I might add she DID NOT want at all but would NOT take birth control & then blamed him & said it was all his fault, which is a new one on me. She had accused him of many affairs & at one time even accused him of being a homosexual. They went through a year of marriage counseling to no avail & he left her in Feb. of 2000. He has told me many times that she hurt him very badly over sexual issues & I suppose that is a lot of the root of our problems.

Anyway, when he & I did have sex the very first time he told me that that was the first time he was able to orgasm in over 2 years because of the damage she had done to him. About 3 months after that I moved in with him (which was Nov. of 2002)& we were married April of 2003 & two weeks later had to move here to Indy for the next construction job & that is when it seems everything kind of went downhill. Before that we had enjoyed a fairly active sex life together (3-4 times weekly, sometimes more) We didn't even have sex on our wedding night & I was very hurt by that. Granted, we are not kids by any means, we were both 50 at that time & had had a very long day but still it did bother me greatly. (we were married by a Judge in Marietta OH & friends of ours threw us a large party that night)

I know this matter might seem very silly & inconsequential to some people since he is absolutely the most wonderful man I have ever known & the love we have for each other is boundless & I never expected to meet anyone as caring & loving as he is. He tells me everyday that I am the air that he breathes & he could not ever live without me as his wife & I feel the same way about him.

I guess I am jealous of his ex & what they had between them, even though I know it was only a way for him to hang on to a sadistic woman but mostly it was a way for him to hang on to his 2 children that he loves very much & would do anything for them. I need to find a way to let go of this insane jealously I have going on & just love him with all my heart instead of being upset by the deteriotation of our sex life. Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:30pm
Thank you for getting back with me so quickly. Yes, I suppose I am jealous of the relationship he & his ex-wife had. She was very cruel to him the last few yrs. they were married & that is not what he needs in his life anymore at all. Yes, he does love his children with all his heart & that is the only reason he stayed with her the last 5 yrs. they were married. She accused him of numerous affairs & even accused him of being a homosexual because he went hunting one time with some male friends. I know this woman is not playing with a full deck & she uses the children to hurt him every chance she gets. One time last year she even refused to put them on a plane unless we paid her $2,000 to do so, even though we had purchased round trip tickets for them & she had previously agreed to send them for a week. Last fall she tried to sue him for more child support even though he already pays $1,600.00/mo (which cost us $5,000.00 in atty fees) plus most medical expenses-a suit she lost because we are already paying exactly what the state of Fla. requires him to pay. This woman has not worked in 3 years & makes no contribution to these children at all & lives off the child support we send every month which drives me wild. I have worked for 30 yrs. & raised 2 daughters of my own for 13 yrs. on $150.00/mo child support & the sound of her voice on the phone or answering machine just sends both of us into a tailspin because all she does is demand more money almost every week. We just sent $4,000.00 to an orthodontist in Fla. for braces for his son, which he needs very badly & now she wants us to pay $12,000.00 this summer for special schooling for the same son who is dyslexic & has ADHD. My husband had done this the last 2 yrs. but we just cannot afford it this year & all she does is call here telling him he is only thinking of himself & that he should pay 90% of his salary for his children.

Anyway, I have made an appt. with a therapist here in town for this week & hopefully she can help me get a better handle on some of the things that are bothering me & he & I can just enjoy the years we have ahead of us & just not dwell on the past so much any longer.

Thank you for your advice & help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:20am

its absolutely not SILLY, its a problem, but it does seem possible to work things out.


first of all- you MUST STOP comparing and being jealous of the ex. and if you can't - then get help. seriously- this is very damaging to you and to your marriage.


second - its possible that your husband IS slowing down. he ain't 18 any more, if ya know what i mean. 50 is not OLD, but i think that it does slow things down. combine the age factor with fatigue and stress, and possibly weight/meds and you can have problems in bed.


what can you do? first - stop complaining. start talking. when you are both relaxed, talk to him. tell him that you love him and you love making love with him and you think that "WE HAVE A PROBLEM". listen to him, too. have him get a check up, and mention this to his dr. see what can be done.


and then - accept that you are both growing older, and you may NOT get to have sex every night. or every other night. enjoy the times you DO have together. cuddle and hug and massage on the other nights. spend time together enjoying each others company, relaxing, dating.

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