Sexual Relationship
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Sexual Relationship
| Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:24am |
Where to begin-My husband & I have been married 1 year & our sex live has gone to pot. It is the 3rd marriage for both of us & we are very much in love with each other but the sexual problems are driving us apart. We are both 51 yrs. old & in good physical shape & above average in appearance & intelligence. The problem is that my husband had an extremely high sex drive the last 30 yrs. & with his ex had sex twice a day. Now we are regulated to maybe 1 or 2 times a week & ONLY on the weekends & it is driving me crazy. We have had numerous discussions about this matter & seem to get nowhere. He claims that he is just slowing down, his job zaps all his energy, he needs to quit smoking, get in better shape, the list goes on & on. My jealously over this matter is driving us apart & causing problems in an otherwise idealic relationship. He is extremely attentive, loving & compassionate in all other areas of our relationship & is the most wonderful man I have ever known. I love this man with all my heart & soul & don't want to lose him but the sex issues are getting the best of me & I don't know what to do anymore. We have talked about going to a therapist but he works 10 hr. days & there is no time for anything like that-also he has 2 children from his previous marriage aged 12 & 11 that we send 800.00/bi weekly to in Fla. & that is driving me crazy also. My children are both in their 30's & have families of their own & I feel cheated that we are going to be paying so much money for so many years yet when we should be saving toward retirement, which at this rate is likely to never come.
I know that at our age we should not be having sex issues in our lives but I have always been extremely interested in sex & enjoy the little that we do engage in it. My husband has told me more than I would really care to know about his sexual past (he used to be a male stripper, go to brothels, etc.) & that is just driving me insane & I need to know how to overcome the jealously & anger that is accompanying these feelings & how I can help him get back in the mood to enjoy sex in OUR life together.
I know that at our age we should not be having sex issues in our lives but I have always been extremely interested in sex & enjoy the little that we do engage in it. My husband has told me more than I would really care to know about his sexual past (he used to be a male stripper, go to brothels, etc.) & that is just driving me insane & I need to know how to overcome the jealously & anger that is accompanying these feelings & how I can help him get back in the mood to enjoy sex in OUR life together.

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Carrie
It the latter is the case, and I'm getting the feeling that it is more likely this than the other, I think you should give serious thought to your attitude towards sex. Do you feel that having sex more often is somehow a mark of a better relationship? Or that it is somehow superior to having sex less often? The frequency and character of sex has less to do with the quality of the relationship and more to do with the people involved. That is, two people can have a wonderful relationship regardless of whether they have sex ten times a week or once a week. That in itself is not a mark of love or of happiness, and yet it sounds like you are using it to measure that. What is making you feel inferior to his previous relationships? Why do you even care about his previous relationships? Regardless of the fact that they were having sex twice a day or whatever, it didn't work out in the end. What does that tell you? That there are more important things in a relationship than the sex! You cannot compare your relationship with him now, or even your sex life with him now to previous relationships. You simply don't know enough except to draw your own conclusions, which you will do unfavorably to yourself.
I think you just have to make a concious effort to let go of the past, and resist the urge to compare your present to it. Don't allow yourself to fall into that. Remind yourself that it doesn't matter. Whatever happened in the past is over with- he is here with you now, and you two can work towards a happy future. Regardless of the amount of sex he had with others, none of those relationships worked. Here, you have the ability to create one that does.
hi. i think that sexual issues are very difficult , but i also know that its usually not JUST the sexual issues. i am in the process of geting divorced from my second husband, and we NEVER had sex AT ALL the entire marriage, but i also know that, even tho it was a MAJOR problem - it was not the only one.
anyway, i just had a few questions if you don't mind:
how long have you known each other before you got married? has your sex life CHANGED since before the wedding or has it always been 1-2 a week? how many years ago was he married to his ex (in other words, how long has it been since he has been having sex 7 times a week?)
sometimes problems can be solved, or compromises found. but being jealous of an ex wife is not a good way to be...
I imagine some of his unwillingness to confront her is due to guilt he feels at being so far away from his kids, being unable to help in a more direct way, and the fact that their parents are divorced (him and his ex). Guilt is a powerful motivator. Would he be willing to go to couple's counseling with you to work on the issues (sex and left over baggage)? If so, go. If not, go without him. You need a safe place to vent.
My best to you.
Carrie
Well, to begin with, you knew about your husband's financial committments to his children and their ages before the marriage. Did you think or hope that would change? It sounds as though you have someone you love dearly, who is very good to you, but there are also areas where you are not getting what you want or living the way you want to.
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Anyway, when he & I did have sex the very first time he told me that that was the first time he was able to orgasm in over 2 years because of the damage she had done to him. About 3 months after that I moved in with him (which was Nov. of 2002)& we were married April of 2003 & two weeks later had to move here to Indy for the next construction job & that is when it seems everything kind of went downhill. Before that we had enjoyed a fairly active sex life together (3-4 times weekly, sometimes more) We didn't even have sex on our wedding night & I was very hurt by that. Granted, we are not kids by any means, we were both 50 at that time & had had a very long day but still it did bother me greatly. (we were married by a Judge in Marietta OH & friends of ours threw us a large party that night)
I know this matter might seem very silly & inconsequential to some people since he is absolutely the most wonderful man I have ever known & the love we have for each other is boundless & I never expected to meet anyone as caring & loving as he is. He tells me everyday that I am the air that he breathes & he could not ever live without me as his wife & I feel the same way about him.
I guess I am jealous of his ex & what they had between them, even though I know it was only a way for him to hang on to a sadistic woman but mostly it was a way for him to hang on to his 2 children that he loves very much & would do anything for them. I need to find a way to let go of this insane jealously I have going on & just love him with all my heart instead of being upset by the deteriotation of our sex life. Any suggestions?
Anyway, I have made an appt. with a therapist here in town for this week & hopefully she can help me get a better handle on some of the things that are bothering me & he & I can just enjoy the years we have ahead of us & just not dwell on the past so much any longer.
Thank you for your advice & help.
its absolutely not SILLY, its a problem, but it does seem possible to work things out.
first of all- you MUST STOP comparing and being jealous of the ex. and if you can't - then get help. seriously- this is very damaging to you and to your marriage.
second - its possible that your husband IS slowing down. he ain't 18 any more, if ya know what i mean. 50 is not OLD, but i think that it does slow things down. combine the age factor with fatigue and stress, and possibly weight/meds and you can have problems in bed.
what can you do? first - stop complaining. start talking. when you are both relaxed, talk to him. tell him that you love him and you love making love with him and you think that "WE HAVE A PROBLEM". listen to him, too. have him get a check up, and mention this to his dr. see what can be done.
and then - accept that you are both growing older, and you may NOT get to have sex every night. or every other night. enjoy the times you DO have together. cuddle and hug and massage on the other nights. spend time together enjoying each others company, relaxing, dating.
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