Sexual Relationship
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Sexual Relationship
| Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:24am |
Where to begin-My husband & I have been married 1 year & our sex live has gone to pot. It is the 3rd marriage for both of us & we are very much in love with each other but the sexual problems are driving us apart. We are both 51 yrs. old & in good physical shape & above average in appearance & intelligence. The problem is that my husband had an extremely high sex drive the last 30 yrs. & with his ex had sex twice a day. Now we are regulated to maybe 1 or 2 times a week & ONLY on the weekends & it is driving me crazy. We have had numerous discussions about this matter & seem to get nowhere. He claims that he is just slowing down, his job zaps all his energy, he needs to quit smoking, get in better shape, the list goes on & on. My jealously over this matter is driving us apart & causing problems in an otherwise idealic relationship. He is extremely attentive, loving & compassionate in all other areas of our relationship & is the most wonderful man I have ever known. I love this man with all my heart & soul & don't want to lose him but the sex issues are getting the best of me & I don't know what to do anymore. We have talked about going to a therapist but he works 10 hr. days & there is no time for anything like that-also he has 2 children from his previous marriage aged 12 & 11 that we send 800.00/bi weekly to in Fla. & that is driving me crazy also. My children are both in their 30's & have families of their own & I feel cheated that we are going to be paying so much money for so many years yet when we should be saving toward retirement, which at this rate is likely to never come.
I know that at our age we should not be having sex issues in our lives but I have always been extremely interested in sex & enjoy the little that we do engage in it. My husband has told me more than I would really care to know about his sexual past (he used to be a male stripper, go to brothels, etc.) & that is just driving me insane & I need to know how to overcome the jealously & anger that is accompanying these feelings & how I can help him get back in the mood to enjoy sex in OUR life together.
I know that at our age we should not be having sex issues in our lives but I have always been extremely interested in sex & enjoy the little that we do engage in it. My husband has told me more than I would really care to know about his sexual past (he used to be a male stripper, go to brothels, etc.) & that is just driving me insane & I need to know how to overcome the jealously & anger that is accompanying these feelings & how I can help him get back in the mood to enjoy sex in OUR life together.

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PLEASE, visit the "Clashing Libidos" board here at Ivillage. It is chock full of women just like yourself who are going through the same exact thing and understand how you feel! No it is NOT silly and inconsequential! It can tear at your very soul and make you CRAZY wondering what is wrong with you when it is not you at all!! I have been through a lot of what you are describing, both the low libido guy and the problems with the Ex. I know EXACTLY how you feel when you hear her voice on the phone. I spent 5 yrs with one of my exes going through the same exact thing you are going through. I am a good person and I like to think I don't "hate" anybody but I have to admit I HATED that woman!!!! She did every single thing she could possibly think of to make our lives miserable. So believe me you are not alone. Anyway do not feel guilty for how you feel, you are not wrong and you have every right to expect a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with your spouse. The trick is just finding the compromises to make it work....good luck to you!
Um.. Does she not TAKE CARE of these children?
It sounds like you need to find other things to focus on, besides the things that you cannot change.
It would be a shame if you continue to focus on all the negativity in your life when it sounds as though you have much to be happy and thankful for.
Your rant on what the ex-wife gets makes you sound petty and jealous and that you have not got the best interests of HIS children in mind - only your own. You have your own children, so really, you should know better.
Coolas
I can't believe the courts would rather see these two kids living in a tiny house with a mother who sounds like an alcholic who is neglecting her children than with a father who is better equipped to take care of them, emotionally, physcially and otherwise.
If I were you - that would be my primary concern - not that she's getting all this money, but that she's neglecting her children - your husband's children.
You're in a difficult and frustrating situation, I do wish you well.
Coolas
I guess we are going to have to just sit things out & grit our teeth & wait till the day both the children are of age to make their own decision & see what happens then.
Can you find a way to appreciate his kids and bring them into your life more? They are probably wonderful human beings and have many gifts to offer if you give them the chance. Maybe one day they will take care of you when you are sick? They won't be young forever and need his help now. The more stability you can provide them now will be returned many fold for their future. You want them to grow up to be happy and well adjusted. You cannot try to pass judgement on his exwife because you don't really know what it is like to be in her shoes. The more negative energy you give her is the more negative energy you have for yourself.
I think you both need to re-evaluate your lives and see how you can better afford to take care of the kids and save money for retirement. There are many ways to be more frugal to do this. Being a single mom I have learned to be very frugal and save a lot.
You must get rid of your expectations and anxiety for sex, retirement, the future. Appreciate what you have now and live in the now.
You do have an adequate gripe about your husband's health and time. He should work with you to have more time together and better his health. But maybe he will want to do this more if he sees you changing your attitude about his exwife and kids and you are more fun to be around.
I think you should read Brenda's book on Zen and how to have more peace in this insane world (sorry - don't remember exact title). She emphasizes finding order in simple things and meditating and waiting for the answers of life to come your way instead of putting good/bad labels on everything. She has helped me find a way to view all of my life's events in a good manner - they have a purpose now for me - instead of being good or bad.
Namaste,
All the best
Coolas
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