Sexual Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Sexual Relationship
18
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:24am
Where to begin-My husband & I have been married 1 year & our sex live has gone to pot. It is the 3rd marriage for both of us & we are very much in love with each other but the sexual problems are driving us apart. We are both 51 yrs. old & in good physical shape & above average in appearance & intelligence. The problem is that my husband had an extremely high sex drive the last 30 yrs. & with his ex had sex twice a day. Now we are regulated to maybe 1 or 2 times a week & ONLY on the weekends & it is driving me crazy. We have had numerous discussions about this matter & seem to get nowhere. He claims that he is just slowing down, his job zaps all his energy, he needs to quit smoking, get in better shape, the list goes on & on. My jealously over this matter is driving us apart & causing problems in an otherwise idealic relationship. He is extremely attentive, loving & compassionate in all other areas of our relationship & is the most wonderful man I have ever known. I love this man with all my heart & soul & don't want to lose him but the sex issues are getting the best of me & I don't know what to do anymore. We have talked about going to a therapist but he works 10 hr. days & there is no time for anything like that-also he has 2 children from his previous marriage aged 12 & 11 that we send 800.00/bi weekly to in Fla. & that is driving me crazy also. My children are both in their 30's & have families of their own & I feel cheated that we are going to be paying so much money for so many years yet when we should be saving toward retirement, which at this rate is likely to never come.

I know that at our age we should not be having sex issues in our lives but I have always been extremely interested in sex & enjoy the little that we do engage in it. My husband has told me more than I would really care to know about his sexual past (he used to be a male stripper, go to brothels, etc.) & that is just driving me insane & I need to know how to overcome the jealously & anger that is accompanying these feelings & how I can help him get back in the mood to enjoy sex in OUR life together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:39pm
"I know this matter might seem very silly & inconsequential to some "

PLEASE, visit the "Clashing Libidos" board here at Ivillage. It is chock full of women just like yourself who are going through the same exact thing and understand how you feel! No it is NOT silly and inconsequential! It can tear at your very soul and make you CRAZY wondering what is wrong with you when it is not you at all!! I have been through a lot of what you are describing, both the low libido guy and the problems with the Ex. I know EXACTLY how you feel when you hear her voice on the phone. I spent 5 yrs with one of my exes going through the same exact thing you are going through. I am a good person and I like to think I don't "hate" anybody but I have to admit I HATED that woman!!!! She did every single thing she could possibly think of to make our lives miserable. So believe me you are not alone. Anyway do not feel guilty for how you feel, you are not wrong and you have every right to expect a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with your spouse. The trick is just finding the compromises to make it work....good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:37am
"This woman has not worked in 3 years & makes no contribution to these children at all."

Um.. Does she not TAKE CARE of these children?

It sounds like you need to find other things to focus on, besides the things that you cannot change.

It would be a shame if you continue to focus on all the negativity in your life when it sounds as though you have much to be happy and thankful for.

Your rant on what the ex-wife gets makes you sound petty and jealous and that you have not got the best interests of HIS children in mind - only your own. You have your own children, so really, you should know better.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:57am
I suppose she does tale care of them, in a sense. Every time they are here with us they tell us she only does laundry about every 2 wks., they sometimes have to wear dirty clothes to school, she never cooks meals for them, just feeds them junk, the list is endless. In her own words, "she lays around, drinking beer & getting fat". The 12 yr. old son told us last summer that he had seen that awful movie "Jackass" about 10 times & she let him watch it!! I have seen the same movie & myself thought it was totally disgusting & certainly not appropriate for children of 11 & 10(at that time)& have had friends & family agree with me on that point of view. Of course we are helpless to do anything about this because they are about 1,800 miles away. We have asked her to turn over custody to us but she will not even consider it because again her own words "she would lose her meal ticket". They live in a 2 bdrm house in a fish camp for Gods sake that was left to her by her mother that passed away last spring-if it wasn't for that the 3 of them would not have ANYWHERE to live. The 2 children (boy & girl) share a room which I feel is totally inappropriate for their ages but again we are powerless to do anything. We have a beautiful 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home in a lovely neighborhood & they both hate to leave when they are with us because of what they have to go back to. Wouldn't you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 5:03am
That sounds dreadful. Why doesn't your ex petition the courts (in Florida, if needs be) and challenge custody. Yes, the courts tend to favor the mother, but if they see examples of neglect (and it certainly sounds as though she is pretty close to that) then doesn't common sense prevail?

I can't believe the courts would rather see these two kids living in a tiny house with a mother who sounds like an alcholic who is neglecting her children than with a father who is better equipped to take care of them, emotionally, physcially and otherwise.

If I were you - that would be my primary concern - not that she's getting all this money, but that she's neglecting her children - your husband's children.

You're in a difficult and frustrating situation, I do wish you well.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 7:36am
I agree that we should try to seek custody of the children and we have talked to our atty. in Fla. about doing just that. Unfortunately, unless we can prove that she is an alcholic or a drug abuser our hands are tied. The only positive thing going on here is that when they turn 13 they can make their own decision who they want to live with & that is not too far around the corner We have talked with both of them at various times & we are fairly certain that Derek would want to come with us but are not too sure about Danielle. She is very much like her mother in the fact that she is very demanding, bossy and won't do anything she is not absolutely forced to do. In fact at the age of 11 she will not cut up her own food, will not brush her hair or her teeth without being told repeatedly to do so & still holds a blanket & sucks her thumb which to me is a sign of great insecutity. Derek on the other hand is very much like his father, which is a great credit to him with all the problems the little guy has with his dyslexia and ADHD. He is very mechanically inclined and can occupy himself with the simplest things, never complains about anything and is just a great kid to have around. Their mother has no faith whatsoever in Dereks capabilities to overcome some of his problems & thinks the only solution is to keep throwing money at whatever institution she can find that promises to help him. She has subjected this child to many psychological exams & all of them tell us (& her) that he just needs someone to help him 1 hr/daily with reading and math & she just refuses to do that. Instead she thinks some Dr. or school should be responsible for doing that, as long as it's not her responsibility & we should just fork over thousands of dollars for these things, which we have done somewhat. In fact, last year when she filed suit against my husband for more child support her main claim was that she could not work because of Dereks problems-which is the biggest crock of BS we had ever heard of!! My husband put this woman through 3 years of schooling to become a computer network engineer, which is what she wanted & she has not worked 1 day in the last 3 yrs. at anything, let alone that.

I guess we are going to have to just sit things out & grit our teeth & wait till the day both the children are of age to make their own decision & see what happens then.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:17am
I send my sympathy. But I think part of your problem is the way you are looking at your situation. I think you have to take the time to see how lucky you are to have a wonderful husband and marriage.

Can you find a way to appreciate his kids and bring them into your life more? They are probably wonderful human beings and have many gifts to offer if you give them the chance. Maybe one day they will take care of you when you are sick? They won't be young forever and need his help now. The more stability you can provide them now will be returned many fold for their future. You want them to grow up to be happy and well adjusted. You cannot try to pass judgement on his exwife because you don't really know what it is like to be in her shoes. The more negative energy you give her is the more negative energy you have for yourself.

I think you both need to re-evaluate your lives and see how you can better afford to take care of the kids and save money for retirement. There are many ways to be more frugal to do this. Being a single mom I have learned to be very frugal and save a lot.

You must get rid of your expectations and anxiety for sex, retirement, the future. Appreciate what you have now and live in the now.

You do have an adequate gripe about your husband's health and time. He should work with you to have more time together and better his health. But maybe he will want to do this more if he sees you changing your attitude about his exwife and kids and you are more fun to be around.

I think you should read Brenda's book on Zen and how to have more peace in this insane world (sorry - don't remember exact title). She emphasizes finding order in simple things and meditating and waiting for the answers of life to come your way instead of putting good/bad labels on everything. She has helped me find a way to view all of my life's events in a good manner - they have a purpose now for me - instead of being good or bad.

Namaste,




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:41am
Don't get me started on US child custody laws (I'm not a fan!) It's very distressing when these judges make decisions based on precedent, seemingly with no real concern for the welfare of these children. The daughter's behavior does sound problematic - again, tough situation. Try and keep calm and remember that certain things are out of your control - try to focus on the things that bring you joy and happiness and be at peace with what you cannot change.

All the best

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:30pm
I think you need to drop the subject for awhile. let it happen naturally with the hugging & kissing. if it doesnt happen kiss & hug some more. Men dont like to be coerced into anything..they will fight you all the way. the child support is not your issue. These children need to be cared for. you have a man that is meeting his responsibilities. Smoking does inhibit sex drive tremendously but he has to want to quit. again do not force the issue. Lighten up your daily lives & dont get into the "sex issue" I think he will feel less badgered & relax about it. Sometimes your sexual drives are out of sinc from work stress and just plain tired! ride out these times with all the cuddling you can!!!

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