sexuality issues in marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
sexuality issues in marriage
2
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 8:35pm
My husband is in therapy for victimization issues. He has finally been honest about the fact that he thinks he may be homosexual. He says he would probably not act on this. He says he fell in love with me and wants to continue the marriage. However, we don't have sex and have had intimacy problems for a very long time. Do I wait until he figures this out or move on? We have been married for 8 years and he is my soulmate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 1:24am

its great that your husband is getting help. but its not going to help your sex life, in fact, now that he is going thru therapy he might eventually begin to "act on this". why would you choose to live this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:31pm
Hi

My second husband was bi-sexual, something I didn't know until after we married, and he ended up leaving me for man he fell in love with when I was seven months pregnant with our daughter (he's never bothered to see her and has had no contact with either of our children since he left) and we had a 2 year old son. It was a tough situation all around, but I had thought he'd still be a good father, so I tried to work it out. My husband had been a victim of sexual abuse from his step-father from the age of 5 to 16. This is just my story, but I thought I'd introduce myself to you with it.

I don't know what happened to your husband, but it sounds as though he's not really sure about the homosexuality, it is not uncommon for a person to go through many stages and thoughts during intense therapy. A soulmate is not always a lover, often it's a close friendship type of relationship, is this something you think you can live with? Do you have children? How do you feel about the info you have been given?

Right now, I'd say you should do nothing untill this has all sunk in, this is pretty heavy to deal with. I wouldn't make any life-changing moves until you have had some therapy of your own.

I'm not sure what he's going to figure out, unless he figures maybe he's not gay and will want a sexual relationship with you. It could be the abuse that is confusing him, so there might be hope, but if he's gay you will never have a good sex/intimacy life together. But you can be friends, and right now it sounds like he needs your friendship and love to help him through all this. I wouldn't pin any hopes on things working out as in a heterosexual married couple, but instead take it day by day and assume you are working toward him finding himself. I fear you would be setting yourself up for a lot of pain if you assume he can be the husband you want.

If he is indeed gay, or just the fact that he doesn't want sex with you and can't be intimate with you, you will probably want to move on in the future. But right now, I wouldn't make any major decisions, you still need to work through all this within yourself.