share everything except a bank account??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
share everything except a bank account??
10
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 8:14am
My bf and I have been together for 3 years and living together for 2. We share everything, a car (the car my parents bought me), an apartment, a puppy, intimacy, secrets, bills, money spending, everything ... except, a bank account. Whenever I have money, I give him so much to do whatever with, and put the rest in my account and when he has money the same. This morning is his first day at a new better paying job. While I was ironing his cloths I brought up to him that I wanted to put him as a separate cardholder on my visa ... and we should open a bank account together. He said "I don't want to!" He wouldn't give any other reason other than "No!" He continued by saying we should have our separate things and now he says because we are not married. I brought up that we share "my" car, he said it is because we have to. His car has been messed up for 3 years this Nov. and his job requires him to drive from place to place, I never thought of it as an obligation issue, its convenient, just like one account. I think that couples who are more than "dating" should share important things. especially when they plan on spending the rest of their lives together! I think that maybe he doesn't trust me. Or maybe he isn't as serious as he says. He even bought me a promise ring on our one year anniversary, that is serious or at least I thought! It hurts and its like a slap in the face that we have been together this long and are "serious" just not enough as I thought!

A while back we got into an "are we serious argument" when I questioned his "I want to take care of you" statement he had perviously made. And he said my parents should pay for my co-pays and so on and so on. I told him don't say things like that to someone if you don't mean it. We stopped fighting and I explained how important it was to me to not question whether we would support eachother financially. Two years ago when we first moved in, I got an $8,500 disbursement from school in which I wanted to use on "US" WE went on vacation, bought things for our place and we moved into the apartment we have now. I never questioned the my money his money issue. Why is he doing this now? Is it because now he is making the money and I am not? How can understand why he is acting like this? Please help!

-Janelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 8:55am
Your boyfriend is showing some wisdom here. Its a potential disaster for two people who aren't married to combine their finances. Statistically, the likelihood of the two of you splitting up is high (shack-up relationships don't have a good long-term track record). When the relationship dissolves, disentangling the money will be a nightmare.

And despite your very young, very sweet assertion that you will be spending your life with this man, the scenario you have described doesn't look too good for your team. Keep EVERYTHING separate until you are legally married.

Another suggestion; put down the romance novels and read "Shacking Up: 40 Reasons Why Not to (Wise Advice from Someone Who Has)" by Anne James-Sieff.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 8:58am

It sounds as if he is paniking. He may see it as "if we share an account, that makes us one step closer to being married"....not that i think he views it as a bad thing, but for some reason, when it ISNT the guy's idea...it throws them into a tailspin. All men are like this....for whatever reason. My FIANCE...Who I am marrying in one week still has a seperate account....I just leave it alone...I know that as a guy, he feels like he needs to have some "control" over something, and this keeps him happy. Now, if he was hiding statemnts, or being fishy in other ways, Id question it.


Do you feel like he is freking out because its one step closer to marriage?(as he sees it), OR MAYBE SOMETHING MORE?


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 9:39am
janelle...

There's a very good reason your b/f didn't want to be on the credit card...IF YOU SUDDENLY HAD A HEART ATTACK OR A STROKE...THE RESPONSIBILITY TO PAY OFF THE DEBT WOULD BE HIS!

When you "live together"---you can share all kinds of stuff: SOAP, TOOTHPASTE, A BOX OF SPAGHETTI, LIVING ROOM FURNITURE, A BED. You've already told us that you share expenses and give each other money (when possible).

But what's wrong with keeping a credit card strictly under your own name?

Assuming you pay the minimum amount every month, this makes your personal credit rating look fantastic! If you transfer this responsibility to your b/f...and he screws up...guess whose credit rating will change?

Pianoguy

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 3:37pm
I think it's a good idea to keep finances seperate when you aren't married, even if you are planning to marry in the future. As long as you both are contributing to the household and are on the same page about debt, savings, financial goals and so on, I don't see a problem.

That's not to say that there may not be other problems in your relationship. I just don't think that finances are necesarily one of them.

If you are questioning his commitment to you, his future plans for marriage, and things like that, then talk to him about those issues. Commitment and how many accounts you have are not really related. I know plenty of married couples who have seperate accounts too. It's just a matter of how people want to work it out and what makes sense to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:06pm
I agree with lucy on this one. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me that he doesn't want to share banking accounts. Maybe the reason he only said "no" instead of giving you a reason is because he didn't know how to express himself.

My husband and I have been married for a year and 3 months and neither of us has really even talked about a joint account. We have our seperate accounts, he makes more than me, so we just divide the expences based on what we make. I pay for my personal bills (credit cards, cell phone) and he pays for his. Then I write him a check for my share of the house/phone/utility bills and he pays from his account. Then, in the end, we both have the money that we each worked for and we can spend it however we want. If I'm short on cash and we need something for the house or something like that, he'll give me what I need. I think it works great.

Why is it so important that you share accounts? It sounds like the things you are doing now are working fine, and it IS dangerous to take on debt when you don't have to (marriage). Maybe you have a deeper issue that you are handling through this joint account stuff. Are you afraid of him not taking care of you? not marrying you? not being able to committ? It sounds like there is another issue you aren't seeing. Dig deeper!

Good luck! Lindsay

PS my parents have been married for 25 years and they have seperate accounts. When they got married they opened one joint one strictly for bills and house expenses. Maybe that would work after you guys make a committment.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:18pm
My husband and I had seperate accounts until a couple months ago. We just divided the bills and each put an agreed upon amount into savings. It worked well for a long time. Awhile back we openned a joint savings to save money for closing costs for a house. We are now house hunting and our expenses will increase dramatically once we buy a place. We decided it would make more sense for us to open a joint checking account too for household expenses. We have a set up similar to your parents and it is working well for us.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:28pm

Money is an important expression of what is going on in a relationship. Different couples handle it in different ways. For some having a joint account represents a loss of freedom, independence,and privacy. For others it represents a married state. The meaning of this varies depending upon the individual. The deeper question here is, do you trust that this relationship is solid and leading to marriage? Do you feel that he is giving and generous? Do you feel properly respected and cared for here? If you do, if all is in place, and he has a need to maintain a feeling of independence or control by not having a joint account, then why not let him? If, however, his not having a joint account is simply another expression of other things that are not working between you, these deeper issues should be addressed. Bring them up and discuss it with him. Ask him if it bothers him that you're not working and if he feels too much pressure about it? We can dream up all kinds of reasons and imaging all kinds of things. It's best to ask directly and discuss clearly what comes up.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:04am
TO ALL,

Thank You so much for all of the advise. While seeing things from some other's POV's it makes A LOT of sense... we talked about it this morning and he agreed we should.... just to guarentee that bills are #1 priority. We made a bill budget and both decided how much money is needed!!! I am not making him jeopardize his manhood and fork-over his independance so he is keeping his own account open, and so am I. I think things will be alot better and we are going to be equally responsible.

Thanks for all your guys help!

love always,

Janelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 4:21pm
Hi Janelle,

I'm glad things are going better. I just wanted to throw my two-cents into this discussion.

I was previously married with joint financial accounts. That worked fine and I always thought that made the most sense for a married couple. I was very surprised when my current fiance was pretty adamant that we keep our finances separate...even after marriage. At first, I was offended and a little hurt. I also wondered if he didn't trust me.

Turns out, the truth is that he was trying to protect me. See, he had some financial troubles a few years ago...big ones. Since then, he's been gradually recovering from that. He's made no secret of the fact that he never wants to be in that situation again. Also, he knows I have good credit ratings and finacial standing. Blending our finances completely may not make the most sense for us right now as a couple.

Also, my DF recognizes one of the major topics people argue about in marriage is money. He said he thought it would be wise for us to share living expenses and keep the rest separate. After thinking about his perspective, I am actually fine with things now. Incidentally, we do plan to open a joint checking account when we're married in order to cover our household/living expenses. Also, we plan to start a joint savings account to save for things like emergency funds, vacation money, planning for a family and so forth. The rest we'll keep in our individual accounts.

Finances can be a sensitive subject for couples. I do suggest that whatever you and your bf decide, it is your business. Don't let others pass judgment on your situation or try to tell you how "it should be." Everyone is different and whatever works for you is fine.

Jill

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 6:12pm
Hello,

I also agree with keeping your accounts seperate. A joint one for bills and shared bills, like utilities is good. Keeping a bank account under a woman maiden name is also important in case of divorce. (God forbid) This allows the 2 people to maintain seperate credit ratings and in the event that you split, you won't be dependent on him for opening new accounts when you move and you won't have to start over your own personal credit rating, which can be very difficult.