Is she avoiding sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Is she avoiding sex?
4
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 4:36pm

First off, I should say that I am a man, so if I'm invading this womens' space, let me know. I just wanted to get a female perspective on this.

My wife and I have been married for 14 years, her first, my second. We have a 13-yr old daughter. Not unusual, our sex life has diminished somewhat, particularly over the last year. Not that it's not good when it happens, it just doesn't happen very often. And - for the record - I believe my wife is usually satisfied by the experience. Part of the reason for our diminished frequency is that our daughter's room is on the other side of the wall and she does not fall asleep easily. Half the nights, my wife ends up going over to lie down with her to help her sleep and ends up falling asleep and staying until 3 a.m.(a practice I have suggested might not be good, but that's another issue) A few months ago, my wife cried out while we were making love and our daughter yelled through the wall "Are you ok, mom?" Funny, yes but it kind of dampened the mood and made us nervous about having sex in the future.

Anyway, last Sat. night, our daughter was away at a sleepover and we went out to dinner, had a couple of drinks and listened to some music, came home around 10:30. At least I was hoping (and yes expecting) that we would take advantage of the night alone. But shortly after we came home and were cuddling on the couch, her cell phone rang. It was a friend/neighbor (woman) who had left a few messages during the evening. My wife proceeded to invite her over for a glass of wine. They hung out downstairs talking and drinking wine for more than an hour. By the time she came upstairs, I had gone from very sleepy to very upset that she so casually killed our evening together. I told her so and she apologized, but the fact remains (at least in my mind) that she made a choice between an evening in bed with her husband and a chat with a neighbor and she chose the neighbor. I am having trouble getting past that.

So, my question is - am I over-reacting? Do you think my wife is consciously or unconsciously avoiding opportunities to make love? She seems like she regrets the incident, but past patterns with our sex life suggest that after one or two times, she will lapse back into disinterest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 4:52pm
I have a question. Do you do things that make her mad, like stay out late or long hours with the guys or something worse - have you cheated? Do you drink or gamble more than she'd like? This is a hard question to answer , by the way , but I wanted to welcome you and try to help. Have you asked her if she's avoiding you sexually? Do you believe her answer? Why or why not? Are you sure she's enjoying herself in bed and if so, what percentage of the time? Maybe you could move your room for more opportunities. Or move your daughters room? She does seem to be putting the needs of others above yours but I also don't know if that's her way of avoiding sex or just her way in general. Please give us more info. Lots of smart people here, I hope we can be of some help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:58pm

Welcome to the board fmason_2007,


I was going to suggest like Molly did, either moving your room or your daugthers room is possible. If that isn't possible you could rearrange the rooms so that the beds are as far apart as possible.


To me it seems like that you and your wife could still have had sex that night since your daughter was going to be gone all night. I am sure your wife thought she could visit with her friend who had been calling all day and then still have sex with you, but you were upset so then that was out of the question. Just my opinion anyways.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 7:36pm

Thanks for the replies so far. To answer some of the questions:

1. No, I neither stay out late nor work long hours away from home, nor have I cheated. I drink less than she does and don't gamble. I'm generally more of a homebody and I'm usually the one at home when she's out at meetings or the like. I also share at least 50-50 with housework, child care, etc. do all the grocery shopping and most of the cooking.

2. Moving bedrooms is not feasible, unfortunately.

thanks and keep the responses coming.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 9:49pm

Welcome to the board fmason,


Will she go to counseling with you?