She broke it off - she still calls !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
She broke it off - she still calls !!
11
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:07am
Here's the run down:

Split up with my girlfriend of 2 years in February. We've been On again/Off again till about a month ago, when she started calling less, coming around less, etc. She told me that it's really, really important to her to remain friends - she "see's me as someone who will be in her life forever." So do I. Now, we didn't really communicate too well in these last few months. But we DID sit down last Thursday and hash out everything that's been happening since the "break-up". She said that soon after the break, she thought she wanted to try to make things work again (she never told ME) and that's why we were on/off so much. Well, I told her that I feel strongly for her still and can't imagine her with someone else (even though she went on a date 2 weeks ago), so until I can get there, I will need time away from her. She said she understood. She also said that I was the best boyfreind she's ever had, and that she didn't really want us to plot out how much space we'd have right now - to "play it by ear". Hmmmm. We've got a few mutual things in each others apartments that we need to get to each other, so we know that we have to deal with that still. But here's the thing:

Thursday we met and talked till midnight. That's when I told her that if we aren't together, I need space to heal. She CALLS ME on Friday, just to say 'hi 'and to let me know what she's doing on Saturday. No contact Saturday, Sunday or Monday. But she apologises for NOT calling on Sunday. (???) Then she calls me yesterday to tell me she's going out of town on a business trip and doesn't know if her cell will work, and that she'll call me when she gets back into town. I though I made myself clear. I love her and want her back, but if SHE is following through with the split, I need some space. So here's my main question: What is illiciting this behavior? I mean, I love to hear her voice, but she KNOWS I'm still in pain and miss her. She claimed to understand what i was saying on Thursday. I just don't understand what she's doing.

Plus, I can't shake the picture of her at this convention in Vegas. She's incredibly attractive and gets hit on CONSTANTLY. It's painful, but I can't stop thinking about her surrounded by all these guys and wondering about her night life. I had nightmares of her talking and flirting with other guys. It's really bothering me, and I know she won't be back till Friday night. Any insight would be nice!! THANKS!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:17pm
Glad you're back. I was wondering what happened last week!

OK, this has GOT TO STOP. Seriously, you have to tell her to stop calling and if need be get caller display and don't answer when she calls. Eventually she'll get the message. But you have to be firm on this one. If she won't give you the space you need then take it. Look, i know its hard to hear but what she is doing i totally selfish and she is not thinking about you for one second. She wants to have her cake and eat it too in that she dones't want to commit to a relationhsip but she still wants you around for support and a backup. Do you really think she is thinking of your feelings here?

And i know its hard to picture her wiht other men, trust me, i am also going through this with my ex. But the the intensity of the feelings DO subside, and become more maneagable but only when you are allowed to move on. And NO contact is the only way to do that. I haven't seen or talked (except for a few emails awhile back to clarify things) to my ex in a month and although i still feel bruised, i am in a good palce now. You have been stuck in this situation for awhile now and you have to take control no matter how hard it may be. You have to go cold turkey and put yourself first because she obviously is putting herself first. I'm not saying she is a bad person, but she is unable to think of your best interests right now, so you are going ot have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:20pm
' though I made myself clear.'

yes, with your words but not with your actions. You take her calls, you meet her, you engage in conversation, etc. To make yourself clear, don't answer her calls. Don't talk. If you must, repeat what you are doing and why to her and hang up.


'What is illiciting this behavior?'

She wants you when she wants you. You have to be the strong one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 12:12pm
Well, today is a little better. I really appreciate all the help. It's tough to think I'm just being strung along and that her attention isn't affection. We both want to be friends still, but I know that I am still too emotionally invested to continue to see her.

Last night was one of the first nights I actually slept ALL NIGHT. I usually have horrible dreams and wake up for an hour or so with thoughts of her racing through my mind. But I re-read everyones postings, thought positively and tried to be strong. My emotions are torn; part of me can't wait to see her this weekend, and part of me KNOWS it's just going to set me back. Should I be cool and calm when dealing with her again? Don't be emotional and tell her I missed her? I don't want to play games, but I don't want to feed this rollercoaster. After Tuesday, i can close it all down, but I kind of dread the next few days. Being around her is going to be a HUGE test, and probably pretty painful after she's gone home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 1:26pm
'What is illiciting this behavior?'

First it's not her intent to string you along. It's her way of easing her guilt. She knows you are taking it hard and she doesn't want to be seen as the 'bad guy' in the break-up, she feels sorry for you and so she's checking in with you, just to make sure you are ok. And if she leaves you completely alone, she's afraid she will be forgotten and that you will move on.

::My emotions are torn; part of me can't wait to see her this weekend, and part of me KNOWS it's just going to set me back.

It will. Because you equate her willingness to talk to you and be your friend as HOPE (false hope is what it really is) that she will want to try again with you.

::Should I be cool and calm when dealing with her again? Don't be emotional and tell her I missed her? I don't want to play games, but I don't want to feed this rollercoaster.

Just by seeing her, talking to her and hoping for a different outcome, you feed the rollercoaster - but it's your rollercoaster, she's not feeling the same way you are.

When you are ready to get off the rollercoaster, you will take the necessary steps to do so.

After Tuesday, i can close it all down, but I kind of dread the next few days. Being around her is going to be a HUGE test, and probably pretty painful after she's gone home.

My best to you on your healing path.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 3:28pm
This is really difficult but it feels to me that you are constantly putting off taking these steps. Why do you have to see her this weekend? i think you mentioned something about getting some of your things...I'm not sure but you know, there will always be opportunities and I think you need to realize that.

Its easy to say "i'll start tuesday" but in fact there is always a reason to put if off.

I know because i put things off for a long time aswell, and you know its really inevitable.

I completely lost my appetite for several weeks and dreaded mornings because although i could sleep ok, i would wake up in teh middle of the night wiht millions of thoughts running around my head, and in teh morning it was like realizing every day that it was over. It was horrible and i won't lie when i tell you that it will feel like hell.

But now i am a month into the split and although i still think of him every day, its more manageable and i feel stronger, and am able to eat and look forward to weekends.

You MUST keep yourself busy, but when you need to recognize that alone time to cry or scream or anything is also necessary.

If you really have to meet with her this weekend, ok, but adb72, please please please keep it short. Do not get into how you are feeling or that you miss her. This will only push you further away from dealing with this. And she will likely take the bait and reciprocate, which will then make you feel 'hopeful' again, and the cycle continues.

This is a tough situation but you know, it just has to be done and you will come out stronger. Its a hard thing to understand at your stage and even i have a hard time with it because although i know we cannot be together for many reasons, i still miss him like crazy an wish i could just be friends. But the truth of the matter is that i know it isnt possible. At least not for a long time.

I would say 'hang in there' but i think more appropriate words are 'get out of there'.

Take care of yourself,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 3:51pm
I have been on the other side of this before and acted in some way the same as she is. I dated my ex for almost 3 years. Our breakup was alot harder on him than me, but I was really worried about what he may do when he realized it was final. He would call me constanly and bring me flowers. He promised to change and do things differently.(Some things in this situation were different) When he finally realized I didn't want to be with him he didn't call so much and I got worried. I worried that maybe he was really moving on, and that he didn't need me anymore. It kinda scared me. So I called him every now and then just to check in and let him know what was going on in my new life. Now we don't talk anymore, I guess I finally moved on for real. He is still having some problems because I am dating someone else, but life goes on. But I think that is why she is still calling. She is scared for you to move on. When she see's that you aren't as willing to give up as much of your time for her or any of your time whichever it may be, she will slack off. But the question is: Is that really what you want her to do??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 7:56pm
I've got two huge matresses in my garage that are hers. They've got to go. She needs them and I don't want to be a jerk and throw them out.

Cornflake - no, that's not what I really want. I'd like for us to get back together. But that's not happening. Not now, anyways. I need space and she needs to work out her issues and I need to work on mine. So, yes, I know prolonging it is making this worse for me. But I see and end.

Melevanson - I had and HAVE some of the same symptoms of loss and heartbreak. It IS getting better , though. And I do plan on making it quick. Talk to her about anything BUT the relationship. I know talking to her just makes me feel worse. But knowing she's already been on one date and probably met some guys on her biz trip actually helps me move on. I'm almost at the Anger Stage, I suppose.

I really do appreciate everyones help and support and words of encouragement. It helps me balance everything. I'm a worse case scenario thinker, and sometimes I don't really focus too well! You guys are really making a difference!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 8:30pm
'Should I be cool and calm when dealing with her again? Don't be emotional and tell her I missed her?'

This shouldn't be an issue because you shouldn't be talking to her or seeing her. What good would come of being cool? Do you think she will want you back?

You have to find strength to cut things off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:37am
Just an update. I want to get this over with, so I called her yesterday morning. She called me back about an hour later - talked for about an hour. Basicly what she did during the biz trip and some family things that she doesn't talk to anyone about except me. It was a good conversation. I can tell there is some distance between us now. She's calling me by my name, not by pet names anymore. So she calls me again last night and asks if it's OK to come over today after work to pick up some of the things she left at my house. I said sure, but she's borrowing her bosses truck to pick the stuff up and I had told her we could us my vehicle. I feel a little torn - working on the distance, but still wanting to see how she's doing, her new apartment, the cat, etc. Part of me still wants to be needed and to spend some time and catch up, and part of me says I'm better off if she picks everything up herself. Anyways, tomorrow will be the last time we NEED to get together. She'll pick up the rest of her stuff, and that will be that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 1:13pm
You can choose to continue to talk to her and to hurt after tomorrow or you can be strong and break things off totally and begin to heal. Don't leave it up to her to call all the shots.

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