Is she cheating, what should I do?
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| Fri, 05-11-2007 - 7:17pm |
Me and this wonderful lady have been seeing each other for about 5 months now. It started out sort of fast. We lived together for about 2months. Now it has turned into a long distance relationship so she can finish school. Engagement has been mentioned, she wants this. Everything she says, tells me she loves me, and that she wants to be with me.
((what she tells me)) She will go out with someone and not say she is single, but when they ask; she will tell them she is not single. She tells me that she will not volunteer the information that she is seeing someon, unless specifically asked. Then once asked, of course she tells them and they no longer want to talk to her.
((facts I know)) Her Actions when not with me don't seem to say the same thing. When people ask her if she is single, she tells them no. Or when people ask her out, she goes out with them for the free date/dinner not offering up that she is has a man already. Of course the way I know is a tad dishonest. Of course, if I told her how I knew, she would go off on me. However, I had reasons to doubt and dig... and what I found is what I thought.
I've even told her that it is fine if she wants to "use" these men for a free dinner/movie or drinks, but to just be cautious of those who might expect more in return. In hopes she would be more honest with me.
I truly love this woman, and she completes me.. and she feels the same way. It is going to be a while before we can once again live together (maybe up to 6months) But I feel like she is lying to me.. and lying to these others guys.
I'm not sure why???
I want to be with her the rest of my life, I'm just afraid of making that leep with her current "dishonesty" and actions. I love her with all of my heart and soul and mind. She truly makes my life complete in every way. She says the same things to me, sometimes with tears in her eyes. She asked me if we are gonna get engaged or not. She was actually sad and disapointed I did not ask her when I went up to see her (a 5hour drive) I had planned on it.. made several romantic plans around the night ... but all of this is now in my head. If I put that ring on her finger, will she wear it public, will she stop going "out" or on "dates" with others? Will she tell people she is single when they ask.. and be more honest with others and me?
I want to tell her I know all of this, and I want to ask her the same questions I have here. BUT I know it would break it us up. She would not trust me, however.. I'm currently not able to trust her. The very moment I let myself trust her, all of this crap came up. I have no idea what to do.

Wow - I'm going to be blunt. No way in hell would I trust someone who connived to get "free" meals from someone by leading them on. She's dating and you're saying you're okay with it but it's obvious you're not. The two of you don't even compliment one another let alone complete each other when she's sneaking off doing this stuff and you're skulking about to uncover what's going on.
The two of you can't trust each other and you have serious communication issues. As for what you should do, tell her what you know, how you know it and be honest with her about what you want and need from her in the relationship. Relationships require work, honesty and trust and the two of you are looking at this through rose colored glasses while ignoring the obvious. If she's dating other guys she's not just doing it for the free food.
I agree that her leading people on is not the right thing to do, however she has never done so to me. All of her friends from home, all of her family, they have all met me, she tells them I'm the one, and that I'm going to be around for a long time.
We do compliment each other .. really. I'm very shy, not very social. She is outgoing and the social butterfly. She tells me she is not considering these dates, just a way to get to know some new friends. I want to make this work.. as I know it can work. Im fine with her just going out with a friend for some entertainment.
Well.. she is really not just doing it for free food. She has just moved to the area, and knows absolutely no one at all. She says this is just how she gets out to meet new people, and have some fun. I mean.. what is the difference between a "date" and going to have drinks with a friend. She is considering this as going out with a friend for a drink or dinner. She will let them pay, unless they ask if she is single. Apparently this is the type of life she has lived before... but before, she would actually date various people at a time.
I have been in numerous relationship where I thought I was happy, and I thought I was in love. I really thought I was during those time. But now.. being with her has made me realize that I never was truly happy or in love. With her I am.
she likes to say " I don't lie, I leave out the details" I keep saying its the details that make it what it is.. or what it isnt. How can I prove to her I know she is lying to me without her hating and me loosing all trust in me with the way I found out the information. Lets just say... I am able to read things I am not suppose to. I never would have done this untill she explained an evening to me that sounded questionable.
So I did this unthinkable.. and come to find out this elaborate story of what happened with her and a group of friends... come to find out.. she had arranged to meet just a single person there .. the information I read had no mention of others.. only them.
If I were to put a ring on her finger like she is wanting me to... do think that would change her behavior. Do you think she would be keeping her options open still. She is still worried that I don't love her.. she also has been cheated on in all previous relationships.. I keep assuring her I won't.
Wow.. this is long. I've caused all of this distrust in her on my own. I've created this myself by reading things I should not be. If I were to merely just listen to what she is telling me. Everything is ok .
Without honesty, without trust you have NOTHING. You couldn't trust what she was saying to you so you snooped which validated your lack of trust. Of course you shouldn't just listen to what she is telling you because as you've discovered you can't trust it.
Don't make the mistake of thinking marriage changes basic human behavior. If honesty doesn't matter to her now - it won't matter to her later. It's about character. It doesn't matter what her persoanl rationale is, it's unethical to go out with guys under the pretense that she is single and available. These men are asking her out because they are interested in her and attracted to her. Do you really have to ask what's the difference between this and going out for drinks with friends?
You need to tell her what you know and how you know and deal with the consequences otherwise the two of you are living in an illusionary world that has no foundation or substance.
First of all,
Thank you very much for your input. I really appreciate your honesty and bluntness. There is so much more to our relationship than this. I really needed to hear someone elses perspective on it.
That really does help me a lot. I just wish I never would have went snooping anyway.
Wow.. how do I approach this now...
Hey hun, we need to talk. I was able to login and read all these mails your sending to people. Why are you telling them you are single, when you are not? Is it true that the story you told me happened with yoru roomate is really what happened with the dude you made plans to meet one night. shew.. i donno.
Of course.. I do know people up in that area.. I could avoid being the bad guy here by having one of them approach her via this online community/events forums and ask the same question there. heh. uggg. I donno.
I just know if I approach her with this info, she will indeed end the relationship. That is not what I want, however.. I want her to be honest with me. If nothing else.. to start a clean a slate.. and be honest from this point forward.
I mean.. she has taken me to meet parts of her family that none of her previous boyfriends, or even ex-husband met. (as well as the ones the others have met too)
My over-all observation is that in real life everything is perfect and amazing. Everything she says and does is great and very sincere to me. It's her online persona, and online Life that is not being true to me. And her online innocent flirtint appears to be bleeding into the real world to use a stranger for free drinks. (this is how I am seeing.. in her eyes.. there is nothing wrong with this.. she justifies it as how guys sleep with a girl and leave them.. so she is just taking the fun/dinner/drinks and leaving them. See.. im trying to justify it to myself again... just like tries to justify it to me.
I guess I was just secretly hoping she was trying to get all this partying and wildness out of her before she starts school. Maybe its just who she is all together. Even though she tells me she wants to settle down with me.
As somebody who has studied all of the available research that's been done about what components of the pre-marital relationship determine whether or not a marriage will be successful, I really have to strongly advise you against marrying this girl. There are several things which stand out in your post each of which on their own I think is enough of a reason not to get married, but combined together it's a definite no-no. Here are the reasons one by one:
1. You've only been seeing each other for 5 months. The divorce rate is several times higher for couples who get married within less than two years of dating. It really does take that long to find out all the things you need to know about somebody to see if you are compatible to spend the rest of your life with them. I would recommend to ANYBODY that they wait at least a year before getting engaged. Sure, there are stories of couples that got engaged and married early on in their relationship, and they turned out to be compatible for each other, but why take that chance?
2. Your reason for proposing to her is in hopes of improving the situation. That absolutely NEVER works. If I had to say what is the single worst reason in the world for getting engaged to somebody it would be because you expect it to solve some problem. It's just a sure fire recipe for disaster.
3. You don't feel you can trust her. I'm sure there are a ton of really wonderful things in your relationship that you haven't had time to write in your post. Honestly, none of that really matters. I don't care if absolutely EVERYTHING besides this one issue is completely perfect. If you're going to commit the rest of your life to somebody, you absolutely HAVE to know that you can trust them to be honest with you. Marriage is a life partnership. For that partnership to work, you must know that you can rely on the other person, and without trust, you never will feel that you can.
4. You said she would break-up with you if she found out you had snooped on her. Do you have any idea how many different issues are likely to arise over the course of your lifetime if you get married? If two people want to marry each other, it should be because they believe that regardless of what unforeseen issues may arise in the future, they'll still always want to stay together. If an issue that you can see arising tomorrow is enough of a reason for the two of you to want to break-up, then you're definitely not ready to talk about staying together through unforeseen issues that may arise in 20 or 30 years.
I get the impression that the girl is much more interested in having a ring to show off then in actually being committed to you. If what she wanted was an actual lifelong commitment, she would be willing to wait. She would care more about being honest with you and building a strong foundation for your relationship then saying she is engaged.
If you still want to propose to her regardless, then I would highly recommend that you at least read the book, "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" by John Van Epp before you do. The author has done a lot of research about what to watch out for being agreeing to marry somebody himself and also covers a lot of other research that was published on the topic. I had read most of the research directly myself before his book came out so I can vouch that everything it covers is the truth and based on sound research.
I am 30 and she is 24. She has been married before at a young age, was a mistake she said and neither of us have children.
So to sum it up. She is telling people that ask her online that she is not single.
However.. I'm only able to know this because I'm reading her emails. I have trust issues to begin with, I finally let myself trust her.. then I got suspicious and took inapropriate actions to find out the truth.
I love her, and she swears upon everything important to her she loves me, wants to be with only me, and has in no way cheated on me.
I think I owe it to myself to just ignore this issue. Stop logging in and reading and feeding my own trust issues. And just take things on face value based on what she is telling me, not what I'm reading things I shouldnt be. However, this is by far not a good way to start a relationship. We are both not being honest. If I just dont tell her this, and she never tells me. It's like that one un-truth we would share later on in life. Ugggg.. I swear I keep justifying what she is doing because I'm guilty myself.
I'm just going to be brutal now. I keep reading your justifications and excuses and your inability to be honest with each other and all I have to say is I thought maybe you were really young - you're 30 years old and if you can't be accountable for your behavior and you can't expect her to be accoutnable for hers you CANNOT in any way, form or fashion create a healthy relationship. Good luck figuring it out but I guarantee sticking your head in the sand is a recipe for disaster and heartache far worse than you think you'll experience if the two of you actually attempted to be honest with one another!
Re-read the post by the person with all the reasons as to why you are heading for trouble - read some books on relationships - read books on what to look for in a marriage partner - educate yourself and work through your insecurities so you can see this more clearly!
Again good luck!
You are absolutely correct. Since I am wanting to make this work, I am going to approach her with a new realization. A time to just sit down, say ok.. this is how things have been. you say you have your reasons to doubt me, and I have reasons to doubt you. I will explain and so shall she. If we truly want a life together we need to get things out in the open now, or just give up. I appreciate everyones input and advice.
I'm going to be talking with her about all of this on sunday. She will be driving home for a visit before my surgery. Better to get this all out before then, rather than have someone I can trust by my side and her staring at someone who is un-trustworthy.
I'm willing to voice all of the lies, and un-truths. And work from a clean slate from this point on, if she is. However, one more incident from either of us, and I say we just call off the relationship
Thanks Again!
I'll let you know how everything goes sunday.