'she' is confused - can someone help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
'she' is confused - can someone help me
4
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 11:33pm
from what i've noticed this is mainly a websight for women, but i figure what the heck, may as well give it a shot....im a junior in high school and im simply infatuated with this girl (senior) who lives 140 miles away....but my problem is she tells me she likes me just as much as i like her. But she is confused why we should date...she asks me what would the difference be between me and her dating and starting a long distance relationship, or just keeping a simple friendship. And i just can never answer her question. I try to tell her that the that things would be way different, i would visit her as much as possible, but she still is still timid. Is there anything i could tell her, specifically what the difference is between a long distance relationship and a friendship that would ease her pain?? please any help would be..well....helpfull...thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
shoeless joe...

Your question reminded Pianoguy of a similar situation. There was a wonderful young lady (in Arkansas) who had captured my heart during a visit to my Dad's hometown. Like yourself, I was also a junior in high school! Unfortunately, I was living in Massachusetts at the time and the nearly 500 mile distance made "dating" (or seeing each other) impossible! However, we continued to communicate by snail mail, and occasionally by telephone.

Sadly...we never saw each other again! She ended up marrying a local boy...and later...I found someone else who lived closer to me. Every now and then, I ask myself...I wonder what "Joan" is doing now?

Here's a thought...

Why don't you work on the friendship that you have with this girl FIRST! It's wonderful to speculate that you'll make trips to her hometown when it's convenient for you...and I'm sure she appreciates the thought. However, her life and your life have different agendas...at least for now! It's foolish to deprive yourselves of high school experiences because there's NO WAY to bring 'em back after you graduate. What happens later really depends upon how much the two of you want to be together.

If you believe in the cliche: "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and you continue to communicate with one another...perhaps there's a chance your relationship MIGHT grow into something more than just friendship once you graduate from high school or college? But look at the reality of your current situation, along with the distance between you both. Then accept the fact that a good friendship is the only option the 2 of you have right now.

Believe me...I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH! It hurt like crazy to be separated from my first "serious girlfriend!" Being apart from someone who is far, far away is pretty lousy! Unfortunately, there's very little you can do about the distance between you right now. So if your friendship for each other TRULY means something...keep THAT going, okay?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Love the Holy Grail reference. The difference between a long distance relationship and a friendship is that a long distance relationship, like any other relationship, holds the possibility and expectation of any or all forms of physical intimacy, and a friendship doesn't usually offer such benefits! Although that might not be a good thing to tell her, that's the only difference that I can think of. Could she be confused because of something else, something within herself that has little to do with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
in response to the first message, there is actually a lot that we can do, she plans to visit me a lot and i plan to visit her, and the college she plans to attend is only 30 minutes from my house. In response to the second message (sorry, i didnt pay attention to names all too well) she is very very reserved. She says she has never kissed a guy before, and that shocked me because i've never seen a prettier face before. Furthermore, she and her dad are both Indian, and her dad is somewhat against her being with a white boy like myself. However, she assured me that that won't be a problem. Also, i think you're right, it might be a bad thing for me to tell her that the only difference b/w friends and LD relationship is the added physical benefits, because she really doesnt advocate for nudity all that much.

I tried to explain to her that its a whole different feeling chemically, and its a completely different emotional connection; i had no idea how to expound upon that though and now she really doesnt know what to do, because she likes me 'a lot', but doesnt see any difference.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
There could be two issues here:

1. the positive one - She is inexperienced with relationships and since the physical aspect is not something that crosses her mind frequently, she sees your connection as that of best friends. She may still be young enough to see relationships as only sharing close talks, leaning on each other for support, and sharing dreams, which technically mirrors friendship (ahh, the days when love was pure...).

or

2. the (slightly) negative one - She's asking to be friends because the idea of being tied down to one person who is far away while there are plenty of guys near by is not something she's ready for. She may be telling you in the nicest way she knows how that she's not ready to make a committment to someone she can't see every day. She may be trying to spare your feelings by not saying that she doesn't feel right about making that promise to you if she's not sure she can keep it.

But in the end, the difference between a friend and a girlfriend is the implied committment that the term "girlfriend" carries. It implies foresaking all others physically for only one person. Friendship allows you to share your time, feelings and affections with many without consequence. What you're really asking her for is not sexual contact but a committment. Try telling her that. It may be easier than bringing up the physical issue.