She Didn't Ask For My Opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
She Didn't Ask For My Opinion
11
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:50pm
I'm engaged to be married in July.

My fiancee has a child, not by me. We've started living together and I've been helping out more with our child. But, there is something that is bothering me. My fiancee usually works 10am to 7pm. She would drop her child off at the sitters and pick her child up on the way home. The sitters is maybe 10 minutes away from her job.

A month ago or so. She decided she wanted to spend more time with her child. So, she arranged her schedule so that she'd work 5am to 1:30p two days a week. She never asked me, she just told me she did. And sometimes her child would sleep over the sitters but on the days that she's at home. My fiancee asked me to take the child. I said okay. When I wasn't living with them I'd sleep over then take her child to the sitters. The sitters is about 30 min away in the opposite direction of my job. So, I drive for 30 min then drive back another 30 min and then drive another 30-40 min to work. It's been okay. Usually its one day a week. But, the fact that she didn't ask me bothers me.

A few weeks ago, my fiancee was going to try to switch all her days to 5am to 1:30 pm. I didn't say anything. She didn't discuss it with me either. I was hoping that they didn't allow her to. They didn't.

I'm glad they didn't because I wouldn't of wanted to do that drive every morning. Plus on the nights my fiancee works early she goes to sleep at 9pm. I wouldn't of liked that either.

Am I being selfish? We kinda got into an argument because I said I wouldn't of liked it if she switched her hours because I wouldnt of seen her at night. She immediately asked if I had a problem taking her child. I said no. I didn't. But, really, I would have. Doing it everyday would be hard. Plus, its hard to get the little one ready sometimes. This morning, I was an hour and a half late to work because the little one didn't want to go. It was the first time it happened but it brings up another scenario, if it keeps happening, I can't do it. I wouldn't be able to be late to work all the time.

Anyways, I'm just wondering what everyone thinks. Do you think I'm selfish? Maybe I am. I just don't see the point of her switching her hours and then letting me drive for an hour and a half in the morning without even discussing it beforehand.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:02pm
'But, the fact that she didn't ask me bothers me....I said no. I didn't. But, really, I would have....I was hoping that they didn't allow her to. They didn't. I'm glad they didn't because I wouldn't of wanted to do that drive every morning.'

Your are engaged to be married yet you don't communicate, you avoid important topics and you lie.

She can't read your mind and both of you deserve to be honest and forthcoming with each other. You can't have a healthy marriage without truth, understanding and open communication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:08pm
I understand what you're saying. I just don't want to argue though. The other day she was really getting upset. She had her child stay at the sitters that night and told her child that she was staying over because I didn't like taking the child to the sitters. She says her child comes first, so I'm thinking she'll keep doing whatever she believes is right without asking me. I know if I say that I feel its unfair or the drive is out of my way, she'll accuse me of not being ready to be a father, its not that though. Its the time, the drive and the gas. I wouldn't mind at all if it was on my way to work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 11:10pm
So she doesn't trust or believe you and she is making you look bad to her daughter. More reasons you should think seriously about marriage and living like this.
Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 12:46am
No , I don't think your being unreasonable. When your fiancee plans to make

changes of any kind that will affect your life , you have a right to know about it.

It seems underhanded to me that she would make such changes , then tell you about

it after the fact. She had no right to just "assume" you'd be alright with it.

With that in mind..........never making "waves" will leave you VERY resentful !

It's true that in life you need to "Pick your battles" , but , some things need

to be discussed. If she does something that bothers you (or in this case , is

flat out rude) you need to discuss it with her. How is she supposed to stop doing

things that bother you , if she doesn't even know what is bothering you ?

I'm not saying you should run up to her and say "You B@#$H , what the H@&L were

you thinking!?" . But , it's not all bad to speak up for yourself.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:52am
You two have a major communication problem in my opinion.

First of all, I believe that everything in a relationship should be creatively negotiated to be win-win and have an enthusiastic agreement by both parties. I don't think that one partner should sacrifice his or her own happiness for the purpose of the happiness of the other. It just doesn't work because the partner that is left to be unhappy builds resentment and this breaks down love over time.

So... for your case, I think that you should explain your feelings to her. You do support her parenting with the child. BUT her taking the 5:30 to 1:30 shift leaves you unhappy for 2 reasons - you don't get to see her and you have to drive an hour out of your day.

Your relationship has to come first if it is going to last. She has to find another working situation that keeps everyone happy, including you, the child and her.

I suggest you spend time on this site: www.marriagebuilders.com - it has the best relationship info I have ever seen.

I don't think you should "not bring this up" because her job won't let her work those hours. This topic and others will come up again. You should use this as a learning time for both of you to better your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 9:44am

you have several groups of issues here:


first - both of your inability to communicate. you don't tell her what you REALLY feel - she just does whatever she wants without discussing it with you. This is a definate recipe for marital disaster. i undestand that you don't want to upset her - or upset the 'peace' - but there are ways to discuss issues.


second - you say << know if I say that I feel its unfair or the drive is out of my way, she'll accuse me of not being ready to be a father, its not that though.>>> but you see THIS is the crux of the problem - you really AREN'T ready to be a parent. or maybe you are not ready to be a parent to

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 10:06am
While I'm the first to say that it should be discussed...there is an "assumption" in play here that evidently shouldn't be.

That assumption is that you're ready adn willing to parent 24/7/365...you're not.

You'll do "what you have to do" with this child, yu obviously have very little relationship with the child...and this is part of the "duty" (unfun) part of being with your fiance' (the fun part).

And you're really going to have a difficult adjustment post "I do"....because then you'll be called upon to make sacrifices, expenditures, compromises, and concessions for YEARS to come in every regardso that this child is clothed, educated, housed, fed, and the more difficult aspect of guidance, nurturing, and teaching her about life.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 12:25pm
Thanks for everyone who replied.

Some agree that we should have discussed it. Others didn't.

To the ones who think I'm not ready to be a parent, Do you think that her decision should of at least been discussed beforehand? I thought we are a team and decisions should be discussed and mutually made.

Thanks Again for the response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 1:13pm
I agree that as a couple (especially a parenting couple) the situation should have been discussed. If you are all going to be a family and everything you do affects the other, then a discussion of how to handle parenting responsibilities is important.

However, I think the fact that she neglected to ask you says volumes about how she thinks you regard "her" child. Even in your original post, you make it sound like you're helping out instead of performing the duties and functions of a parent. She (your fiancee) probably sees this disparity and regards you the same way she would a babysitter...she asks if you can do it...if you say no she has to find someone else. She probably didn't think to ask you because she didn't think of it as something you are obligated to do or would feel obligated to do. She probably saw it as a situation that only concerned her, and had you said, "no, I won't take the baby to the sitter's," it would have been her problem to solve, not yours.

If you want more communication, I think it would be a good idea to communicate to her that as her husband-to-be, you take all issues concerning her and your (emphasis on "your" implying both of you are parents) child seriously and would like to be a part of any decision making processes that come up. Let her know that you not only see the child as hers, but also as yours now and are willing to be more than just a convenient helper if only she will allow you a chance to really be a part of the child's life. Otherwise, she'll continue to make decisions about her child not considering you because, frankly, it seems like she doesn't think you're too concerned with the child.

Just a mother's perspective...good luck! :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 5:30pm
What if you two got a sitter closer to where you worked? or had a sitter that would come to your fiances house?

*ezizabef*

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