she doesn't like sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2008
she doesn't like sex
5
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 7:04pm

Hi,

My girlfriend, who I live with, doesn't want to have sex with me. We have tried to talk about this issue and she said that she will try to take the initiative, so that she doesn't feels pressured by me when we make out. However, I feel I have more sexual drive than she does so I wish she took the initiative more often. This idea has not worked, and I have not brought up this previous "compromise" with her in other conversations about this lack of sex in our relationship conversations with her. The good thing is that we have talked about it, I guess. She has said that sex for her has become an obligation – and I don't feel we even have sex at all. She also mentioned that basically it is not a priority for her and that sometimes is painful for her. After having said this, she asked me how frequently I would like to have sex with her. Well I'd love to have sex at least three times a week – we have sex sometimes once every two weeks- but after hearing from her that it hurts and that she is not interested I don't want to say what I'm thinking.

I am trying to be sensitive but I also feel that I have to accept the way she is and that she is not making an effort to try to be in my position. I love her very much, and that's what I want to make love to her. But she doesn't seems to understand that I would love to be more sexually active with her. How do you think I should talk to her about this? Also I have sent her articles and videos from ivillage but she doesn't read them or if she does she doesn't talk about them with me. We have also talked about going to a psychologist or some therapist but at this point we can't afford it.

I can't force her to have sex with me, and I wouldn't do it either. I feel that she is not open to do something else that doesn't involve penetration. Basically I also think that we don't event arrive to an intense foreplay. I would be happy at least with caresses and kisses us being naked, not involving penetration. But I don't know how to tell her that. We have also tried massages to try to get her in the mood, but we do it one night and then never again. I don't want to be me the one who is asking for that too. In the past we have talked about giving each other massages but she seems to forget about it too. And I feel that if I asked her for a massage I am asking her for sex. She says she loves me and that everything is great in our relationship except for passionate and frequent sex. I think the same too, but I am dying to make love to her more often.

Any advice on how to bring up these topics with her will be much appreciated it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 7:10pm

"But she doesn't seems to understand that I would love to be more sexually active with her."
Trust me. She knows.

"How do you think I should talk to her about this?"
You already have:

"I have sent her articles and videos from ivillage but she doesn't read them or if she does she doesn't talk about them with me."

She gets the point, but she's not doing anything about it. It's not because something is wrong with her inability to understand you, it's because she doesn't want to have sex with you. She's already told you that, you just don't really want to believe it.

Seeing a psychologist does not increase someone's libido unless there are deep-rooted fears or psychological problems that need to be addressed. It is not a simple fix to get whatever you want out of someone.

I think it's time for you to start thinking about whether or not this situation is acceptable for you. If she has always been this way then you really should accept her for who she is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 6:15am

"She also mentioned that basically it is not a priority for her and that sometimes is painful for her."

Sex is not supposed to be painful--if it hurts her, no wonder it isn't a priority. She needs to visit her gynocologist to find out what's wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 11:37am

Welcome to the board george823,


If sex is painful for her and this is causing her not to want it, than I have two suggestions. She will probably want to talk to her dr about this pain and see if they can figure out the cause of it. Or the probably could be a lack of lubrication and you might want to try either more foreplay or using some lube.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 3:12pm

Sex is an important part of a relationship and if you are deprived of it, over time that takes a toll. It can certainly affect the quality of your feelings for your girlfriend and also for yourself. What's going on in your relationship is not healthy. Clearly, she has problems with sex. If sex hurts her, she needs to go and find out why and what to do about it. This may be medical or perhaps psychological. You can always get psychological help at a good clinic or hospital. You don't have to pay enormously for it.


One way or another it's important for the two of you to work this out, for each other and for yourselves. She cannot just pretend that sex is not important, because it is to you. She's denying something that you need and want, squelching a part of your life and expression. Being in a male female romantic relationship includes sex. That said, people have different needs for sex and different levels of desire. In your case, there is a big discrepancy. If you want this relationship to grow, both of you have to face that this is a real issue and go get the help you need in sorting all the issues out. If your girlfriend does not want to face or deal with this, then you are left in the position of having to decide if you are willing to give up your sexuality to stay in this relationship.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Thu, 03-27-2008 - 12:02pm

Most likely, she's just not a sexual person, or not as sexual as you are. If you're with the right woman, your sexual desires will be compatible. And even then those few times when you both not in the mood, one will take care of the other and the other will finish quick. She needs a man who wants it once a month, in the same position, with the lights off, and it's all over start to finish in 3 minutes.Seriously, no sarcasm. Touch, massage, sex(not just penetration but all types) is comforting and fun. I see your future-waiting for her to leave the house so you can masturbate to porn.