She loves me but shes not in love with m

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
She loves me but shes not in love with m
8
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 9:40am


So my girlfriend and I live under the same roof with her family, since school is nearer from her house than from mine. We've been together for a year or so, yet recently she has just kind of changed after a certain incident with her family. Suddenly she just started acting really distant and whenever I tried to talk to her or be affectionate, she would just shrug me off somehow. One night she told me that she wanted to take a break from love making and it was really weird.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2008
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 11:45am

That does seem agonizing. :(

Is leaving there a possibility? I do not think it is in your best interest to stay there... and if she claims that she is not in love with you I don't know why she would want you to stay there. Honestly ... I would get out of there ASAP. How can either of you get any perspective if you are in each others space.

I'm not sure if you should cut off contact with her, or not. I would say yes, because it seems like she was clear that she did not want the relationship. But I'll leave that to the experts here to say.

At this point I think just getting back into your own space should be priority.

Good luck :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 12:11pm

Welcome to the board wonglp,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 4:19pm
Dude, move out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 4:59pm

"I love you but am not in love with you"

People that cheat say this. Any possibility that she's found someone else? The line "I never really loved you" fits also.

I agree with the other poster that it's time to find a place of your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 11:38pm

Welcome to the board wonglp,


This part sticks out the most to me: "Yet she told me to stay in the house so at least she could still see me everyday and she didn't want me to go everywhere looking for a new place to stay."


She's weaning herself from you.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 5:37pm

Is it possible for the two of you to sit down and truly talk about what's going on in the relationship? When people say not in love anymore, it usually means that there are issues going on that they have not dealt with and also feelings of anger or upset that haven't been resolved. Tell her you care for her and want to understand what's going on and what happened. Whether or not you decide to stay together, understanding will be best for both of you. It would even help to talk it over for a few meetings with a well trained counselor.


Help her understand that feelings come and go and can be changed by many things and that it's in her and your best interest to really understand what happened, either so that things can get better or so that you will not repeat this pattern with someone else. By getting the help you need, by communicating honestly and understanding many things you will see what the next best steps are.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 8:27pm

The best way I can describe how it feels to "love" someone but not be "in love" with them is the way it feels to have a dog. Everyone loves their dog. Very few of us are in love with our dog.

You really do need to get yourself in order and move out as soon as you possibly can. I imagine that living with no separation between her boyfriend and her family, it's difficult for her to feel romantically toward you any longer. There are many-years-married couples who have to take in their parents at some point and it puts a gigantic strain on the marriage. After a year of dating, two young people can't really survive that kind of pressure.

I hope that in the future you are able to avoid this sort of living situation because it's a killer. It sounds like you should probably be learning a lot from this experience and doing your best not to repeat it. But as it stands this relationship is over and it would be best if you could be cordial, but not try to keep up the facade of a friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 8:19am

We actually had a talk the other night and I told her that she shouldn't be running away from problems each time they occur. Even if she runs away from our problems, she would encounter them in the future with a future partner, then why not solve them right now while you are still with someone you care for.


Then