should this bother me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
should this bother me?
1
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:27pm
Hi all. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I have been with for almost 5 years. I trust him deeply and I know that he would never cheat on me. The problem however is I do have issues with insecurity and so does he. I am 20 years old and he is 21. My 21st birthday is in a month. Sometimes he likes to go out to bars with some of the people we work with for a few drinks or to visit with old friends. For example, one of the girls we used to work with and were good friends with quit a while back and they arranged to meet her at a local bar for a few drinks to catch up. I trust my guy but I worry that if he has too much to drink he might cheat on me...alcohol messes people up sometimes. Usually other guys go out too but the other night it was just my bf and two girls from work. He didn't realize that it would upset me but it did. I sit at home because I'm not old enough to go and I just worry. I have nightmares that he cheats on me or that he gets into an accident drunk driving. My bf is very careful and will not drive if he feels he isn't capable, but I still worry. I guess it just bothers me because I'm not there with him, and I've been cheated on before and I'm always on guard against it. NOt by him, but by a previous boyfriend. If he did it to me I would be so crushed, I plan to marry this man and the thought that he is in a situation that might tempt him bothers me. He always swears that all they do is sit and complain about work, etc, and I believe him, but I still think, well what if he drank too much and one of the girls came on to him, or one the other girls in the bar, what would he do? Am I wrong to be bothered by this? I pointed out to him the fact that if it was me going out with a bunch of guys from work and leaving him home he would flip out. I feel like such a nag to keep worrying about it but I'm really insecure and he's never been with anyone else but me, so what if he decides to see what another girl is like in the bedroom? :-( Help!

                          

             

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:38pm
Hopefully I can say something to alleviate your fears. You know that you have a good man. He's proven for the past five years that he can be trusted. The best thing you can do is relax and calm down. I know it's easier said than done, but consider this...a man who is going to cheat can find a willing partner anywhere. Bars aren't the only places that men meet women. If he's hell bent on cheating, he can find a girl at work, at the park, even at the corner store! So, realizing that a cheater is going to cheat regardless of location, do you really have the energy to be worried every time he steps out the door? Do you really have the time to obsess over who he meets every minute of every day that he's not in your presence? No, I didn't think so. :o)

There are plenty of men who do cheat, unfortunately. But as you witness firsthand, there are also plenty that don't. I know that coming off of a bad relationship can make you wary in the next one, but don't let your previous boyfriend continue to hurt you by causing you to sabotage any other relationships you may have. This guy you're with now is not the same person as the last guy you were with. Give him a chance to prove himself on his own merits instead of comparing him to another. And you're only a year away from being 21, so pretty soon (if you're still worried) you'll be able to join him at the bar and hopefully see that his heart belongs solely to you. Good luck!