Should I ask?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Should I ask?
7
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 12:50am
A passive guy who I have known for 7 months said he owed me a dinner for helping him with a business connection. I was attracted to him when we first met but remained casual friends because we both just got out of a relationship and was not ready for a new relationship at that time. He's also really consumed with work plus his own side start-up business. I have sensed that he might have some interest in me or it could be he is just flattered by my interest. We've been in contact with one another all this time every now and then but mostly through e-mail. And we have hung out a few times since we met.

Lately, we have had less contact since he had mentioned the dinner thing. So,tired of waiting, I sent him an email and told him to call me if he wanted to hang out and catch up on things (this time I was brave and direct instead of beating around the bush like some people on this board have pointed out to me). He actually called me three days later and asked me to a movie. I accepted but instead of the movie, he took me out to dinner (sort of indirectly said that it was the dinner he owed me). The movie showing was too late for him. We had a nice friendly dinner.

I called him three days later to thank him for dinner and mentioned the movie. Instead of talking to him live, I got his voicemail and left him a message. I played the down movie thing by saying none of my friends wanted to see it and if he wanted to see it to give me a call. He hasn't called back. That was three days ago. I have tickets to an event I think he might be interested in and would like to ask him to join me. Should I call and ask him since he hasn't called back? The event is next Thursday and I don't want to wait for the last minute to ask him. Thanks for your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihope888
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 10:05am
I think instead of sitting there going "does he want friendship, does he want more, does he want to take me to dinner like he promised, does he want to go to this event?" in an endless circle - I'd stop that "common denominator" - in this case it's "what does he want".

What do YOU want? If you're wanting to date him - then you're not in a position to 'settle for friendship' at this time - you'll always be projecting, assuming, and reading into things trying to 'get more'.

If you're wanting a friendship only, tell him that - and that way if he's not wanting more - he can respond to your invitations without having to deal with "what does she want/expect" out of this.

At the moment, I believe he interprets you to be "asking him out on dates" - and he's avoiding answering your invitations. Meaning, he likely doesn't WANT to date you, doesn't know how to 'turn you down' (how often are women put on the spot, having to turn down someone they're not interested in in that way).

So, you've got to determine what YOU want...if you're wanting to date, willing to settle for platonic friendship and date elsewhere - then tell him 'as a friend, would you enjoy going to, seeing _______'whatever this event is.

If he doesn't respond at all should you get voicemail - you have an answer. He doesn't want friendship or a date.

If you're only really wanting 'a date" - tell him that on that machine if you get it "I'd love to pursue a dating relatioship, I have tickets to ______ would you like to go on _____"

Start communicating based on what YOU want...instead of trying to read what he wants and respond to that trying to get what you want in some backdoor approach.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: ihope888
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 8:22pm
Thank you for your post. You have shed light on this and I certainly see your point. The bottom line is "what I want" and be direct with it. Because of my feelings for this guy and moving long with my current emotions and expectations I have forgotten what I want for myself. I can't believe I have lost myself in this. I will need to evaluate what I want out of this. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: ihope888
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 8:37pm
From my experience, I would say that he is playing hard to get- AKA, just being a guy. If you are pursuing him, you have to play along to some extent or you will come off as a little desperate and it may scare him. People like a challenge. Personally, I get turned off by guys that seem too interested in me- I like guys to play hard to get and to give me just enough attention to keep me interested.

If you really think that he'll be interested in this event, give him a call and let him know, but don't hold out for him. Even the nicest guys sometimes back out at the last minute. If he doesn't call you back, back off for a week or so, he'll call eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: ihope888
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:43pm
I'd say give him another chance. Call him, express the fact that you think that he would be interested in joining you, and that you would like him to come. Give him a few days to respond. If he doesn't respond, say, by the end of the week or something, ask someone else. If he calls after you've already invited someone else, you can say, "I thought it would be fun to go to this with you, but when you didn't call back, I assumed you weren't interested. I'm sorry that we misunderstood each other. I'm free next Friday, would you like to see something?"

This sends him the message that yes, you are interested in seeing him, but you aren't going to wait around for him. If he wants to see you, he needs to respond, cause you've got places to go and people to see!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: ihope888
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 6:55pm
Welp, I worked up the courage to ask him by phone first but I messed up when I got his voicemail and left a nervous and unclear message. I e-mailed him the next day with more clear details. He e-mails me back and says he can't make it (no reason why) and mentioned he had already seen the feature film showing at the event. So, was this a blow off? He didn't make other arrangements to see me again and instead of responding by phone he responded by e-mail.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: ihope888
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 7:25pm
Have you posted here before? Hasn't this been going on for months?

If you two were mutually attracted to each other you would be dating and it wouldn't be this difficult. You wouldn't be analyzing his every move, instead you would be enjoying time together and making plans to get together again.

I think it is time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: ihope888
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 8:09am

I think it is time to move on as well, you have certainly put forth your best effort, but the fact that he keeps on closing "openings" that you give him shows pretty clearly that he is not interested in this right now.