Should I be concerned?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Should I be concerned?...
10
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 4:40pm

The guy that I am currently dating told me some things, that concerns me regarding his personality. First, we met on an online dating site. He tells me that he logs onto that site primarily to return messages and to check on me to see when and how often I've logged on...

Second, he told me that he has trust issues, and that his last relationship ended because he was suspicious that the girl was talking to other guys on the dating site and he had one of his friends put up a phony profile and contact her to see if she would take the bait. She did, and he ended it.

Third, he says he has issues with his woman/gf looking at and checking out other guys when she is with him, and if he sees that she is checking out a guy, he will eventually terminate that relationship.

Fourth, he says he doesn't earn much but is happy with what he earns and his lifestyle and if he has any hint that a woman he's with will start to look down on him or have a problem with his earnings, he will end it real quick, before she does...

His last relationship of 8 years ended because she embarrased him in front of her children (he has none) when she pulled rank on him in front of the children and reversed his discipline decision thus embarrasing him. He said, he left...From what I understand there was no counseling and not much discussion. He said the next day, she found him flipping through apartment rental magazines and she said, "what are you doing?" and he said, "I'm leaving."

He seems like such a nice guy, but...I'm not sure what I think at this point. And he was very frustrated at me on Saturday because I was being a bit of a tease, but that wasn't my intention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 5:34pm

Welcome to the board purity2007,


It does seem like he is quick to end things, but at least he knows what he wants in a relationship and at least he was honest with you about things.


At this point, I think you need to decide if you are okay with a relationship with him knowing what you know. Either you can accept him for who he is or not.


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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 6:49pm

It sounds as though this guy has lots and lots of expectations and demands and is basically insecure with himself to want to control the woman he is with in this way. I would be concerned. Being with such a controlling person can slowly erode your freedom and sense of self worth. Is this the kind of relationship you want? Do you treat others this way? Do you want to be in a situation where you have to watch every smile and glance? Be careful. These things escalate and before you know it you're in a prison without bars.


Step back here and take a long, hard look at what he's really saying. Then make a choice that gives yourself the freedom and respect you deserve.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 8:50pm
Thank you, Dr. Shoshanna. And I didn't even mention the fact that he basically told me that he wants, and it seemed like he "expects", oral sex from a woman on each and every sexual encounter. When I further inquired about that, he said, "that's usually how it goes when he's in a relationship"...


Edited 4/24/2007 9:05 pm ET by purity2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 9:07pm

cl: "At this point, I think you need to decide if you are okay with a relationship with him knowing what you know. Either you can accept him for who he is or not."

Thanks for the response, cl. I don't know if I want/or can do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 11:48pm
Sounds like a bit of a control freak to me. I would be careful with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 12:15pm
If you can or don't want to, that is perfectly fine. It doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible. I actually don't think he would be compatible with most women.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 12:35pm

Yes, be concerned. Be VERY concerned.

It sounds like he could do for a good regiment of individual counselling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 3:11pm

Thanks. I took my time to apologize to him, but still he is angry and rigid. Last night I got a rant from him. I have taken some things out because they weren't appropriate to post on a public message board. His rant is below:

Him: "There is being inexperienced and then there is allowing a guy to touch you all over and you so much as dont even raise a hand to reciprocate on any level. You were not too reluctant to receive my touch...There is nothing i wouldn't do or no place i wouldn't put my mouth/tongue to please u and make u cum..........."

This just wasn't true, I was willing to reciprocate, and I did, I just didn't want to take it all the way, and he was going in that direction, at least in the direction of wanting oral sex that night. All this was done despite his assertions that he did not want to ruin things, so he would not rush me. I needed a little more time. We also had a conversation before this happened,and he told me that he would be irritated with me if I did not at least try to masturbate while we were having sex. I thought that was *my* decision...

Yes, I'm very concerned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:09pm
R-U-N! Red Flags galore here and YES you should be concerned...listen to your gut instincts on this one...they are never wrong...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:28pm
The more you post about him the more I think you need to get as far away from him as fast as you can.

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