Should I be concerned?
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| Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:26pm |
I met my boyfriend in Nov 2000 at my senior homecoming dance. We hit it off really well and exchanged numbers..etc. His friends told me that he had just gotten out of a serious relationship with someone and was still having a hard time getting over it. I didnt listen and wanted to pursue something with him anyway. We started going out a week after we met. At one point in our month long relationship, we went bowling with a couple of his friends. Well, his ex called him on his cell and he went outside to talk to her. I kinda got PO'd so I told him i wanted to go home. I also later found out that he had kissed her while we were together and was told by their mutual friend that if he didnt break up with me, she would tell me that he had kissed Dawn. Despite the constant talking to his ex and the context clues that he wasnt yet over her, I fell madly in love with him. He broke up with me because he said he needed some more time to get over his ex. We saw or talked to eachother almost everday even though we werent together. We remained friends with benefits for about 5 months meanwhile I was still madly in love with him. We started going back together in April of 2001 after he had moved to Houston for about 3 months and said that he loved me and he wanted to be with me. I found out about 2 months into our new relationship that he had asked his ex to marry him for the reason he stated as being closure. I was extremely hurt. I felt like i was what he settled for since she didnt want to spend the rest of her life with him. We talked it over and got through it. Fastforward to the now, we have 16 month old twin girls and we live together. I am anticipating his proposal since we have picked out rings and everything. However, I noticed that he talks to this ex like all the time on the internet and since she has lost a lot of weight, she sent him several pictures of herself over the internet. He also works with her and sees her at work every now and then. I was a bad girl and I deleted the pics off his computer because i felt somewhat disrespected. I am still waiting on his proposal and she got one even after she put him through utter hell, so i have heard. I want to know if i should be concerned about his frequent chatting sessions with her on the internet and his pictures of her that he noticed i had deleted?
-So worried in TX

what makes you think this person is worth all this?
and what makes you think you are not worth more?
are you sure you're not merely competing for him?
If he is living with you, has twin daughters with you and has even picked out rings, he should not have any further contact with her at all. If they work at the same place I suppose it is inevitable that they run into each other once in awhile, but it has to be kept on a casual, business basis. She certainly should not be sending pictures. It is very disrespectful of you. And it is his role to really let her know that this is over, to set the boundary. He has chosen to be with you. This means you and not her. He can't have two women. Unless this is handled, it can haunt you for your entire marriage. Let him know that it is disrespectful of you and that he wouldn't like it if you were doing the same thing with an ex of yours. Let him know that it is up to him to really cut this off and let her know it. If he means it, she'll get the message. That includes no more photos or conversation online. If he can't do this, you'd better think twice about a life with him. You don't want to be subject to this wavering continually - it can be bad for your self esteem and sense of worth. Respect yourself here and you'll get respect. I'm sure he loves you and your daughters and doesn't want to lose what he has. He just wants everything - and that's not fair to you. Let him know that.
If this becomes more complicated - go get some professional help.
Best wishes,
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
-Ashley
'I felt like i was what he settled for since she didnt want to spend the rest of her life with him.'
What happens a year from now when his ex leaves her church, changes her mind and tells him she wants him back?
The only thing worse then competing with another woman as a girlfriend is competing with another woman as a wife.
Come right out and ask this man point blank what his plans are regarding your relationship. The time to be passive agressive, deleting pictures is over. This is your future and the future of your child you are talking about, don't play silly games with it.
It doesn't matter if you're living with a man or if you have 1 million babies for him. If you are not in his heart, then all of those things are just trivial.