Should I be feeling this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Should I be feeling this way?
5
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:59pm
My husband and I have been married for 3 and half years and we have two beautiful daughters. One is 23 months and the other is 8 months. We only knew each other for 2 months before tying the knot so as you could imagine we have definitely had our ups and downs. In the beginning of our marriage we were both unfaithful and to this day we occasionally fight about it. We do love each other very much but recently things have been on the rocks a little. Today he told me that he wants a paternity test to make sure our oldest daughter is his!! I am shocked and feel really belittled by this. I think it's degrading to me that he wants to do this. She is ABSOLUTELY 100% his child! I had been faithful to him for 10 months when we found out I was pregnant. I told him that it was fine, that he could go ahead and take a paternity test. I said there is not a doubt in my mind that she isn't his, but I feel so disgusted about it. Should I be feeling this way???
Thanks!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 3:28pm
I would certainly be upset and can understand you being upset... but I can also see his point. At least the paternity test will put an end to any doubt he has, then you can both move on. Obviously, he has some doubt. Have you guys had any counseling regarding these issues? I would suggest some counseling so you can get beyond the betrayals on both sides. Good luck!
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 3:45pm

Ok, this might come across as a bit harsh, but know that I'm just trying to be realistic, not mean.

If you were unfaithful, that means you betrayed his trust. Cheating also always involves lying or deceit, so if you could lie in the very beginning of your marriage, why should he believe you're telling the truth about when you conceived your daughter?

I'm not saying you didn't have your reasons for doing what you did - but if you could justify it once, who's to say you couldn't justify it again? Same goes for him.

I would echo the other poster's concern about what kind of counseling you both did to work through the cheating issues and what you've done to rebuild trust. IMO, it's essential that you both work with a professional to get to a point where you can fully trust one another again and you won't have to worry about arguing trust issues anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:58pm

Welcome to the board kissmeinkute,


Yes, you should be feeling this way. How horrible that he would question that. I would do then test and then ask him to go to marriage counseling with you to get to the bottom of why he felt he needed the test. Sorry you have to go through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 6:51pm

Wow, lots of different opinions on this one!

I'm thinking his request for paternity has a lot to do with unhealed trust. As hard as it is, I'd be looking at this issue as the symptom of a bigger problem rather than as a problem in itself.

>>were both unfaithful and to this day we occasionally fight about it.<<

I think this sentence says a lot. You don't say who starts the fights, but either way it would appear that one/both of you is unwilling/unable to get past the previous betrayals.

I'm thinking there's one of two things going on here. Either it's him who keeps raising old issues and now the paternity test - showing that he's still not over the problems in the past. Or it's you who's raising old issues and he's requested the paternity test in retaliation.

Counselling is sounding very good at this point.




Edited 7/3/2007 7:08 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:37am

Welcome to the board kissmeimkute,


You feel what you feel. You can't help that.