Should I be Worried?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Should I be Worried?
4
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 3:56pm
I was talking to the guy I've been dating for almost last night and I had another one of my panic attacks where his cell phone rang late at night and I told myself I need to leave him before he dumps me for someone else. This has been going on for months because he spends literally all his time with me and calls me all the time..generally seems pretty fixated on me, but I still cannot shake this feeling that he's a player. Because he still gets calls all the time and I never know who is calling. Sometimes he tells me, but that's only part of the issue. The problem was what was said last night.

After his phone rang three times seperately. I told him we should see each other less and when he asked why I felt that way I told him I was paranoid and afraid of getting hurt. He asked me how this was possible and then told me I had nothing to worry about! However I know it was his EX calling him last night as she does every week because he has a special ring tone for her and he has been very honest with me about still talking to her as friends. He told me she is leaving the country soon permanently so I have nothing to worry about, but here's the thing:

I asked him point blank if he still had feelings for her and he said he still "liked her"! I asked him if he wanted to get back with her and he said "no." I asked him if he wanted to see her and he said "yes." When I asked him why he didn't just do that he said: "Because I'm with you all the time!" So I said do you feel obligated to see me and he said no!!

I guess I'm wondering if this is a bad sign...I mean she is leaving the country in 4 mos, so I know they are not getting back together permanently, but I don't know how this guy feels about me. On the one hand he's told me point blank he's not stringing me along, but its been 7 mos and he still says he doesn't want to commit because he doesn't want a girlfriend I should also mention these were all failed relationships with cheating on both sides, but then why treat me like a girlfriend?

I guess I should be glad that he's not committing to me if he isn't ready, but its my feelings I'm afraid of getting hurt. I told him last night maybe we should just be friends and he said "I thought that's what we were" That stung, and it was just totally confusing because we are way more than friends after 7 mos! and him wanting to see me every single day and his family practically treating me like a daughter in law and him telling me he "likes me like a girlfriend"!! But at the same time he's obviously has girls floating around his perimeter...my intuition is screaming that this guy is going to break my heart.. What is going on here?! should I get rid of him or be patient?



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 4:08pm
I don't know what your problem is. You're not his girlfriend - he's told you this is about hanging out and hooking up. He has no obligation to meet your needs, your standards, or share your values - you're NOT in a relationship.

If you're hanging out and hooking up thinking "when he wants a relationship it'll be with me because we're already established' - rethink it.....99% of the men out there love dating. IT's fun, excitement, anticipation, it's getting to know someone new and enjoying new experiences with a new person.....men don't "date with a future in mind" as a rule. They date "because they want a future with someone, or because they want fun/sex/companionship only with someone".

But he's NOT dating you....it's just tha tyou're emotionally attached and invested, it's just tha tyou're not sleeping with other people or dating others, it's just tha tyou're hinging yoru future on his peg....that's the problem.

He's already told you he doesn't wnat a girlfriend, he needs ot figure out who he wants and that you're a convenient option for benefits and companionship while he's figuring it out.

That's it....if you can't "do" casual dating/sex - stop doing it and you'll "feel" much better about yourself.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 5:24pm
Well actually he "didn't" tell me that this was about hooking up and hanging out. He told me he "wasn't stringing me along" and that he is dating me to "get to know me" and that I would make an "excellent girlfriend, but he wants to wait a little longer" ...so, I'm not being that stupid and needy here. I think most women would think those words meant something...but thanks for the advice, I get what you mean. I think I'm just going to give him a "lot" of space.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 10:57am
Yes, you should be worry. He's telling you he doesn't want to commit, so why is he with you? I'm assuming that this relationship is sexual. I'm sorry, but I would run as far as I could!

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 11:18am
'He told me she is leaving the country soon permanently so I have nothing to worry about,'

her moving thousands of miles away shouldn't be what reassures you. If he has feelings for her it doesn't matter where she lives. He can't be emotionally connected to you like you want and he isnt.

'he still says he doesn't want to commit because he doesn't want a girlfriend'

Then this is the bigger issue. You aren't his girlfriend so he doesn't owe you monogamy.

'I should also mention these were all failed relationships with cheating on both sides,'

Then why would you want him as a boyfriend.

'but then why treat me like a girlfriend?'

Spending a lot of time with you does not a boyfriend make, especially if he tells you he is not committed to you.

'I'm afraid of getting hurt. '

You already are hurting. Get out if you don't want the pain to get deeper.

'should I get rid of him or be patient?'

Be patient for what? Do you think his other girlfriend will move and all of a sudden he will be a loyal, faithful man?

If you two want different things in a relationship then you should move along.