Should I believe him?

Avatar for brwnsugr21
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Should I believe him?
12
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 1:57pm
well, I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. I had just moved to Chicago and shortly after, had met him by accident, on an local online dating site. About a month ago we decided to move in together. When we had first started dating, I remember one instance where I was at his house and he had already left for work. I was being nosy and looked through some stuff he had in one of his drawers. At the bottom of the drawer there were naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend. After that, I also found a stash of porn tapes. Although I didnt like the fact that he watched porn I let that slide, but it upset me that he had naked pictures of some girl he had dated. I did not see a reason for him to have kept those. So, I confronted him and he promised he would throw them away.

Second instance, I gave him my credit cards to hold on to so that way I didnt have to cancel them but I wouldnt' be tempted to use them. When I got my statement that next month there were charges on one of them that I didnt recognize. This had been one of the cards I had given to him. I then asked him if he had that card and if he used it and he said no. Later that month, in the same drawer i found the pictures, I found the card that he told me to my face he didn't have.

Since then we have gotten into several arguments about trust. He doesnt understand why I dont trust him, but ive caught him in so many lies.

Third instance, I was looking at his phone and noticed that when you connect to the internet from it, it automatically goes to his e-mail account. In there I found an e-mail from some girl saying that she can't wait to meet him and giving all her information. I then looked at his computer and found files that were pictures of girls that had been deleted, over 300 porn videos he had downloaded, and e-mail accounts and accounts with such places as adultfriendfinder.com. So I confronted him and once again, he said he gets that stuff all the time.

I have since looked through his stuff again and found a picture and a letter from some girl dated february of this year. I also found him to have several profiles on dating websites. I dont mean to sound like that pschyo girlfriend going through his stuff all the time, but every time i do I find something bad, and he lies and denies it all. Everytime!!!! I need advice on what to do because I really do love this man. I would marry him in a heartbeat and the good times we have together make up for the bad ones. But I need to know if I a being lied to so I can move on with my life. The only thing is, I have to find a way to catch him on my own, otherwise all he sees it as is me going through his stuff all the time. I have a feeling he is meeting girls on the internet and talking to them but I have no way to prove it. I need to see it for myself.

So, if you have any advice or have been in a similar situation please help me!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 2:25pm
Read When Your Lover is a Liar, but Susan Forward.

My advice, RUN. This man has it made and he's taking advantage of you.


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:12pm
I'm having trouble understanding what your confusion is. You're clearly being lied to...so why are you asking if you are? You've already found an email indicating that he's doing what you suspect, so why put off the inevitable?

In any event, yes, I've been where you are. In my case, I found an email from my ex (the day after we'd spent a long weekend discussing logistics for moving in together and getting married) to a woman on a dating site. That was enough...I sent him a "have a nice life" email and ended it. I'd given him two chances before to remove his profile from dating sites (we met online and had agreed that having profiles up wasn't consistent with the committed, monogamous nature of our r'ship, but he kept putting them up anyway), and he was out with strike three.

I agree with the book suggestion in the other post; that book helped me tremenously.

Sheri

Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:22pm
How did you find out he had his profile on dating sites ? I think my DH may be

doing this as well. I need some tips on how to find out.

Thanks,

Heather

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:31pm
The first two times, he put an ad back up on the site we met on, so that was easy (although the 2nd ad was under a different user name but it had ALL the same biographical info, and the same writing style...he denied it was him, but it was (after we broke up, he put his picture up on that same ad)).

The third time, I snooped because my gut told me something was going on (and my gut is almost always right). I found a user name and password for another site, and used it to access his email on that site. It's not something I'm at all proud of (I should have just ended it based on my gut, but I didn't have the courage), but I'm glad I did it and saved myself more pain and grief.

Anyway, in your case, you could have a look at the major dating sites and search for men your husband's age, height, etc, although of course he could be lying about all that stuff in order to disguise himself. But I'm sorry you're at the point of feeling you have to snoop. That's pretty much the handwriting on the wall that the r'ship is irretrievably broken, once the trust is gone.

Sheri

Avatar for brwnsugr21
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:35pm
He claims that he gets those types of e-mails all the time from looking at porn, but I dont believe it. I know he has a profile on adultfriendfinder.com, because i saw the e-mail with his user name and password when i was looking at his phone. But, when going on the site, there are so many men it would be impossible to find him, it could take hours. I have even set up a fake e-mail account and been sending him e-mails that way but it takes him so long to respond that im not really getting him to take the bait......
Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:37pm
What are some web sites I should look at ? Not to sound stupid , but I've never

looked at any.

Thanks

Heather

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:39pm
Ok...you KNOW he has a profile on adultfriendfinder, which is a site aimed specifically at finding sex partners (and no, you don't get emails with a username and password as "spam" so that excuse is bs!). How is that *at all* ok with you, in and of itself???? Who *cares* if he's actually writing to other women, he's advertising for sex on the internet!!!!

What more do you need to know?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:55pm
How many times do you need to be deceived before you admit to yourself that he is who he is and he's not exactly what you're looking for in a life-long partner? You say he lies every time you confront him, then you say you need to know if he's lying or not. You say you love him and would marry him in a heartbeat and the good times outweigh the bad, and yet if you can somehow catch him and have proof he's lying you would move on with your life. Those are all contradicting statements. Where do you stand on lying? Bottom line. You DO have proof he's a liar. He said he throw away the pictures and he didn't. He denied using your credit card but you have the statement to prove he did. This isn't a court of law. You don't need to prove anything to him. The question here is: from the things you have found out about him since you have been with him, and from his behavior and lying, is that the type of partner you want to share your life with? If not, then move on. That's your perogative. Love alone is not enough to develop a healthy and successful relationship. Being incompatible doesn't mean you have no good times. It means there are basic and fundamental differences in your beliefs, behaviors, morals, attitudes, goals, etc. that cannot or will not change. Despite all his good points and how you feel about him, you deserve better. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 3:34am
If your still not convinced that he is lieing. Than here is an idea.. Have one of your girlfriends, perferably that he doesnt know, create a profile or screename and get ahold of him, tell her some of the things he likes so she can attract him and then see if he goes for it. Otherwise you could do it yourself too. If you have a computer of your own. You always here that you never know who your talking to online.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 1:10pm
Hi Heather.... go into temporary internet files. OR

START

PROGRAMS

ACCESORIES

SYSTEM TOOLS

DISK CLEANUP.....click on this.......let it open DO NOT PUSH (OK)...Click on TEMPORARY INTERNET FILES AND CLICK ON (VIEW FILES) IT will open up folders go into each folder. YOu will want to make them thumbnails so right click and click on VEIWS. THE ones that ask how you want them opened try IE first than note pad then word pad. Good Luck

PS Also check (history)

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